BellaOnline Forums Relationships Bereavement Dating a Divorcee

Dear All,

I am going through the process of dating a divorcee for almost 2 years. She has two little children and an active little dog.

What are the pros and cons of dating a divorcee? Care to share some thoughts? Thanks.

You've been dating a divorcee for 2 years and you dont know what the pros and cons are yet?

Gideon,
The man I married was in the process of getting divorced when we met. He was in the military, and his ex-wife and sons lived in another state. I had a young daughter. Due to the distance, we didn't initally experience the troubles dating most divorcees go through with his children, but we did have some issues with my daughter. However, these didn't intensify until after we became engaged.

We both carried a lot of "baggage" into the relationship. He had married young, had two sons, and I guess his wife couldn't handle his deployments in the Navy. But what it really comes down to, is she wasn't exactly "in love," and due to her lack of self esteem was always looking for the greener grass on the other side. I can say this, as I worked hard for us to maintain some semblance of a relationship for the children, and have come to know her well over the years.

My baggage consisted mainly of the fear of committing to a relationship. I had lost two boyfriends in one year to accidental deaths. As soon as I would feel myself getting close to someone, I would back off for fear something would happen to them. However, there was an intensity to our relationship that could not be denied, by either of us.

We met August 1, 1992 at approximately 10:45am when he knocked on my door. We had been corresponding for several weeks and I lived in a very rural area and didn't have a phone. So he had set out that morning to find me. We were married on June 12, 1993.

Happily married for over 15 years, it's a bit hard to remember the insignificant cons, as there were so many more pros. However, there are a few keys to our success in dating and marriage. The first is effective communication. When one is talking the other is listening, and it doesn't really matter what the subject is. I know way more about submarines than I probably should, but nothing classifed or "top secret." He knows a lot about income taxes, to the point his co-workers have often asked him questions.

The second key is mutual respect for what was before. Whatever my husband went through in his life made him into the man I fell in love with. I don't need to know all the details, unless he feels like sharing, or it has an influence that affects us down the road.

The third key is being flexible and understanding. Our priorities are always shifting and changing, especially when children are in our lives, and one needs to be flexible to accomodate each others priorities, especially when dating. This flexibility and understanding definitely has to come from both.

We started a "ritual" back when we were dating. With him in the Navy, there were times we would go a few days not seeing each other. Each day we were together we would take a few minutes to update each other on what was going on. We continued this on a daily basis once we were married. It was our 15-20 minutes in the kitchen alone time when my daughter was living with us, and she was taught to respect that.

When she was 16 we were discussing her recent break-up. I asked her if she felt she was in love with the boy. Her reply "I care for him, but I'm not in love with him. I know what that is from you and Dad." At 16 she recognized the mutual respect aspect of being in love.

We're empty nesters now and soon to be grandparents. My youngest stepson and his wife are expecting this month. It took a lot of hard work, flexibility, respect, and prayer to shore up relationships rocked by my husband's divorce, and a lot of patience for my daughter, who was only 7 when we got married, to accept my husband as her Dad.

But it was successful and very much worth it. I hope something in here will assist you in recognizing the cons and dealing with them.

Like to learn more pros and cons.

Baggages with little kids are a major challenge. My steady has put them first before me since the first time we met till now.

As a case in point, recently during the raining session, both of her young kids (below 13 yrs old) came and as they entered the living room they were screaming, jummping for joy and laughter, rolled on the carpet while the room was darken as my son was watching a movie. It was so loud that he had quickly stepped out of the sofa and moved upstair avoiding them. I was too shock and knew that would happen. Kind of disgusting and disrespectful to others, I think.

The next day, when I casually brought it up to her, she seemed to be very defensive and thought that my son would have done the same when he was very young. As far as she is concerned, kids must behave like kids..yelling, jumping when they are happy...

Well, I had to state the fact that none of my kids behaved in that manner as they were taught to be mindful of others around them. She was so angry that she walked out of me and we did not talk for couple of days.

As we met again, she still insisted that I have to accept the fact that her kids are more open, would shout for joy, jump around, scream if need be as they are still kids...

I am just wondering, why would she think that way? Common among divorcees? Protecting their kids at all cost to being 'wild', natural in child-like care-free manner? I could be very wrong. And I would need much advise. Thanks.

Hello Gideon,

Please don�t take this post the wrong way! It�s not about her being a divorcee; it�s about being a mom. From what it sounds like you to have very different parenting styles. Also, what you said probably amounted to a slap in the face in regards to her parenting skills. To you it may have been a casual yet delicately put conversation but to her it may have been interpreted differently. It�s not only what you say, but how you say it and in what tone.
In my case I have 2 SS�s (9 and 12) and my 14 year old brother visits from time to time. At times my brother will do the exact same thing your son does when the noise level gets too high or my SS�s are arguing about something. The current house rules are keep the adult�s hair from turning gray, but we feel more is needed to promote harmony between all 3 boys; the 12 and 14 get along beautifully. They have been best buds since the beginning; because of that I think the little one (9) feels left out and is acting out his frustration. I�ve been doing a lot of research, simply because there are different temperaments and personalities meshing in our blended family. We are starting all the boys on the Family Chip System; I recommend you and your girlfriend (or fianc�e?) take a look at this site it has great tips/info for families in need of harmony.
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Having been a single Mom for 7 years, I know full well, your children are your main priority. In many cases, the one parent is all they have. That is a constant weight on the heart and mind of a single parent with young children. You're doing the best you can with what you have, and when someone makes a statement, or broaches a subject that may be construed as critical, it's quite easy to become very defensive.

Her defensiveness may also be representative of some "baggage" from her previous marriage. There may have been unresolved issues and disputes with her ex-husband concerning child rearing and discipline. If this was a source of conflict during their marriage, her defensiveness could be a carry-over from that.

What worries me is the two of you didn't seem able to have a meaningful and open conversation about what happened with the kids and her response to your comments. Are you both at the point in this relationship where it would be appropriate to have a deep and open discussion about child rearing and discipline? Or are you just "dating" and her having younger children is problematic? It's been 2 years, is this relationship progressing or stagnating? These are hard and direct questions, but submitted with respect and compassion.

Dear Des28 and Icp012586,

Thanks for your thoughtful ideas and experience.

Actually, I thought we could have settled down in Dec 2007 at the earliest. But there are some other teething relationship and bonding issues that we are working on for our baggages.

You are right to point out that we have two different parenting styles which make lives a bit more challenging. Will take a look at the suggested link. Thank you. Like the idea of agreed House Rules. Will explore that.

I think, if I would ever settled down, my first love would be my lifelong partner (wife) followed by my children. However, according to her, it seems that her children still come in first, then the husband. On this aspect, I am wondering, is it normal for someone to state in that belief that children comes first before spouse?

Probably I have not offer too much priases to her kids before bringing up the sensitive subject of 'non-so-good behavour.'

We are still working on the known issues and at present it seems we may need to wait till her kids are in the junior high school for them to be quite mature to understand the acceptable hehaviour or something like that.

Both of us know that we could still wait for the most appropriate time before deciding to settle down.

Thank you for sharing.

I am so glad you are thinking this through and very objectively, from the tone of your post. That's a wonderful start. As for her "Children 1st priority," for me that truly didn't adjust until right before our wedding. It took me realizing for my child's continued happiness and security, I had to prioritize my happiness and security first. My daughter was 7 when we married.

We discussed general discipline techniques, and decided together I would continue to provide the majority of discipline and punishment, for several reasons. My daughter was used to my discipline, my husband was in the Navy and would be away periodically, and we both felt punishment for a daughter was best suited to be made by the mother. This was what worked for us, open discussion, planning, maintaining communication, and letting "our" daughter know we were a united front, so she couldn't use the "divide and conquer" technique.

When one spouse is in charge of discipline and punishment, we found it very important to keep the other informed about what was going on. Major behavior problems did arise after our wedding and we handled those jointly in the same fashion.

Thinking back, my adjustment of priorities was accomplished over a period of time, beginning shortly before our wedding. I had never shared responsibility for my daughter, so this was something I had to learn. Maybe that's why it took me a bit longer. I was also terrified I would lose my husband, after suffering the loss of a boyfriend and then a fiance. You would think the fear of loss would have helped with adjusting my priorities, but I think it actually complicated it, working through that emotional baggage and fear.

I guess it goes back to what my Grandmother always says. If the marriage is good and strong, the children can thrive in the beauty of a loving relationship.