BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage I need some advice please

I have posted various pieces here before but at the moment feel like I cannot do right for doing wrong at home and at work. My head would appear to be all over the place. I have been married for 13 years past and had money problems, hubby had an affair year and half ago etc. We have been having arguements on and off and had another one at the weekend. Bought a new tele on friday night and on saturday I did the house and tried to set it up but could not do some of it when he came in from football so started shouting at me. I ended up in tears and he was not bothered. He said to me why are you crying! My daughter also feels that he hates her and last night he told her that she is not having any more friends to the house that she is not bothered about the house and also said to me that I am not bothered about the house. He works full time, comes home and goes to the gym and the band etc. I work full time and come home and start again at home, cooking, cleaning, washing, ironing etc. I really feel that I cannot do right for doing wrong. If I think something is going to upset him I will not say it to keep the peace. Daughters school phoned today saying not well so i told them to let her go home to our house. She is at high school. whilst I was speaking to daughter on the phone I spoke to my husband on the other phone and he was moaning that she had better not be mucking the house up and again she heard him. I do not want to carry on my life with arguements all the time. we can be okay for a week or two and then it all blows up.

Any advice is appreciated.

thanks

Hello, skinnycow. I'm sorry to hear you're going through some rough times right now. I'd like to help but there is more I need to know.

*When did the troubles begin? You mentioned his affair a few years ago. What happened and how did you get past that?
*Was your husband ever helpful around the house? Or did you start out your marriage with this arrangement of you doing double duty?
*Is he the father of your daughter? Does she help around the house? She is high school age, after all.
*Does he ever show his love? If so, how and how often?
*When things are, as you say, "okay for a week or two" what is your relationship like during this time?

Obviously, he has frustrations and discontent but he is not communicating them effectively. When things are calm, perhaps you can ask him, "What would make you happier here at home? What changes can we make to achieve this?"

You'll have your turn to voice your frustrations but two angry people get nowhere when they are shouting at the same time.

When he does blow up, don't add fuel to the fire. Let him vent but say little. Don't scream back or try to point out his faults or failings at this time. And listen to what he is trying to say minus all the unproductive anger, name-calling and blame. If he really doesn't have true grounds for being angry, then there must be some other underlying discontent.

I heard a clue in your words, though. Is he dissatisfied witih the state of the house cleanliness? You said your daughter is "not bothered by the house" and that is not why she will not bring friends over. And your husband "moaned that she better not be mucking up the house." Is the house unkempt?

Between the three of you, working outside the home or not, keeping a house clean shouldn't be a problem. We live in a two-story house and my husband and I have our own separate businesses that take up an incredible amount of our time. My high school-aged daughter is a gem. She has medical problems that cause her joint pain but she still insists on and manages to clean our house on a day-to-day basis.

I cook but she does the dishes every night. She'll sweep, mop and clean bathrooms. We'll work together to get the laundry done. My husband is not a good example of helping on a daily basis although he'll clean the cars, yard and patio--on occasion. When deep cleaning needs to get done, we'll ALL take a Saturday morning and dig in then reward ourselves with a fun outing afterward.

Is your daughter doing her share? A lot of parents make the mistake of letting their high school-aged kids do nothing to help the family. They need to pitch in and help the family! You're working full-time! School is not a full-time activity, even with studying. Sure, your husband can help, too but if he is already stressing, I wouldn't push the issue with him now.

There will be a time to press him to step it up at home. But if he sees a huge overwhelming mess, he'll think, "What's the point?" He'll be more inclined to help when he feels what he contributes will make a difference.

But the housecleaning may not be his only complaint.

Keep in touch and let us know how things are going.

Thanks for your message. My daughter hoovers through the week for me but my friend make a joke about the house being like a "show home" nothing out of place which it is like near enough all of the time. he is supposed to do the cars and the garden but everytime he does the cars I end up hoovering my own car. He was away with the pipe band the other weekend and even his friend he shared a room with said he was not sharing with him again as he was actually folding up his clothes etc as well.

He fell out with me again last night. What makes it more is that he just ignores me. My son (8) heard him shouting at me and when my husband was out said to me is that daddy shouting at you again. This morning at the breakfast table he said to me is daddy still not speaking to you.

I have also had a bad day at work as it is now affecting my work and am constantly trying to stop myself from crying.

A few weeks ago I decided to give it 6 months to see how things are but do not think I can wait that long.

I do not answer him back as I feel it is not worth getting into an arguement but feel that i am not doing enough to keep the kids safe and happy because of the way he is with me and they see it.

I sat on the computer for half an hour last night after he came home from the gym and then to band practice submitting an application form for him for another job. I feel like I am the one that does everything but if anythign goes wrong it is all my fault. I went out in the car the other day to the local shops and got back in the car and did not even want to go home.

It is so hard to think ahead some times. I would be able to survive without him and I think he knows that and think that is what I am going to have to do here.

Well now, that sheds new light on things...

I'm afraid he has issues he is not addressing and you, unfortunately, are on the receiving end of his venting.

How did you address the affair? How did you find out about it? Did he feel any remorse over it?

If nothing then was resolved, surely it is carrying over into the current situation.

It is good that you don't get sucked into arguments, but not doing anything will not change anything. Will he go to counseling? The counseling doesn't have to be marriage counseling. It can be personal counseling because he might have some depression or other issues to deal with. Will he at least talk in a civil manner when he is calm? Can you ask him directly what is bothering him and what can you do to help?

Can you recall the last time you were happy together?

He has a lot of things to sort out within himself (job frustration, etc.) And you have your own very heavy load to carry so my heart goes out to you.

A question for you: What do you want from all this?

To be honest at the moment I do not know anymore. yesterday at work I had a really bad day and would cry at the slightest thing. Got home last night went to sons football and every thing was okay no arguement or being ignored etc. Fine this morning as well but feel that I am just waiting on something blowing up. Not sure what it will be like at the weekend. Kids xmas presents bought but not for other people. Will get my family first and will deal with his family presents after that. He has got his christmas presents @ �150 but wait and see if I get anythign from him!

He will not go to counselling as he can be very stubborn.

With regard to the affair it was with my best friend who I no longer see now. I had an idea but no prove and it clicked into place one night at our house when she was there and some other friends and I ended up throwing both of them out of the house. He came back next day btu still denied it but ended up admitting it. Seemingly it was never sexual!

We can be okay for a week or two and then it all kicks off with him being really horrible and it will come this weekend with christmas coming.

I do not want to keep going like this as it is not good for me or the kids. I will need to see Christmas out and have my diary to write in which I have been doing since April this year. During this time we have really fell out majorly about 10 times since April and also during this time have had a lot of minor arguements and he moans constantly. Surely this is not normal in a happy relationship. He also tells me I am lazy, not good enough for anything, when arguing he will tell me I will not get any one else as good as him but he will get someone better than me.

I actually walked out in the middle of the night the other month and wish I had not went back but after I walked out he went and picked up our son from my mothers even though he had been drinking so felt that I had to go back. My daughter was at her friends.

Oh, oh, oh. It's so helpful to hear more like this because it is hard to get an accurate picture of things without knowing what he is thinking.

"He also tells me I am lazy, not good enough for anything, when arguing he will tell me I will not get any one else as good as him but he will get someone better than me."

Let me tell you something: I always advocate for marriage but both parties have to want it. If he wants to stay married--and he hasn't walked out yet--he needs to understand that you are not a doormat.

Even if he is dealing with depression over job and finances and he vents on you, there is a point where you have to self protect or it will chip away at your self-esteem. Maybe your being so compliant has lessened his respect for you.

What does he mean the affair was never sexual?

I am so sad that you are hurting. This is such a busy and pressure-filled time aside from your job and family responsibilities. I wish I could fly over and lend a hand!

Tell you what I'd do: I'd buck up and be strong. I'd stop crying. I wouldn't try to change him or worry about him at this time. I'd focus on my kids and my job...getting through the holidays. Then, be prepared for anything. If he walks out, then I'd make good on my plans for a new and fresh life.

If he stays and picks fights, I'd be strong and clear: He needs to get help. Counseling and medical. A friend's husband used to have these wild mood swings for years. No one could understand why. He was an okay guy one minute and then an angry man the next. Turned out he had diabetes with fluctuating blood sugar levels. A another friend of mine learned that her husband had bipolar disorder that was undiagnosed.

He really needs a good check up. But I know you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink. You can't force him to go.

Ask, "What do you want from this marriage? What do you want from me? How can I help make you happy?"

If he has valid point, great. Move forward. If he just unloads a bunch of baloney about you being lazy etc. I'd say, "If I am the problem here, I can solve that now by leaving you to find a better mate."

If he says he can find someone better than you, give him your blessing. When he goes on about your not finding another man, tell him that is none of his concern anymore.

He has problems that he refuses to address. If you believe that he still has some love left for you and you for him, then you can make this work but it will not be an easy overnight fix.

Do you still love him? How much? I hear your fatigue. But I also sense you still love him...

You know, I really like Lori's handle on the situation. She's right, the more information/details, especially when you are an outsider looking in helps tremendously.

I feel the pit in the stomach thing about not wanting to go home. I've been there myself in the past. I knew if I was too far from home at any given time, I'd hear an earful the moment I stepped inside. It got to the point where it felt, anyway, though I didn't like arguing, my husband at the time enjoyed the rush of it...I used to tell him it felt like a "fix". I abhore fighting, but when I first met him felt there was something in his life I could help and wanted to at the time.

Then I realized the only person that can help or make someone else happy is them. When their choices leads them futher and further to someone or something else or threatening my disposition in my own family that I am trying so hard with and being replaced I began thinking, what would I tell my own daughter going through something like this. It was then when I looked at my own self through the eyes of the kind of love I have for my daugher, just how much more of the good things (not fancy, just peaceful)that I would want for either of us.

Lori is right, marriage is a wonderful union BUT marriage means two. It sounds borderline verbally abusive. At the very least I would advocate some you time without consequences, period.

I'm not much of a showhouse type person, lol, ours resembles more of Noahs Arc, animals and all. But, my sister, however is as well as my mom. In itself, the upkeep, etc. is exhausting.

I don't get the sense you are lazy by any means. Some of the release you could experience is trying not to prevent so many of his outbursts. If you can, just stay as long as you can before things get harried, expect the usual (I use to mark it on the calander, myself, the outburts in my own situation. Wouldn't focus on it, just a little dot to show him how often he blew up because he didn't believe it was ever him)and leave, have a nice place to go, even a book store and treat yourself kindly.

If you do end up deciding to leave, make good on that, especially if there is an ultimatum involved. Too often women make a deadline and renig on it and are never taken seriously again. You lose leverage in how serious you are about having change. You can always come back when he's ready to listen.

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Thank you for your views here it really helps me see how things are.

We were all okay again last night but sitting in the lounge I just feel that there is something missing. I did love him and think in a small way maybe still do but at the end of the day do not need him and there is a real difference there.

I will get through the holidays the best I can but also know that if things do go wrong there is never a right time to leave.

I am going out tomorrow night with my work but taking the car but he is not happy about that but am going anyway. I do not go out very often without him. We are to be going out on Saturday night with our usual friends (from his band) but at the moment he is saying he does not think we will go as we cannot really afford it. Not really bothered about it anymore.

I am not prepared to put up with his nonsense any more and will no longer keep quiet when he starts being horrible any more. I will se how the holidays go but if anything happens over the weekend will let you know

thanks again

Yes, please keep in touch. We'll be here.

Hello again

I went out on Friday and took car so not drinking. He was not happy and did not even say have a nice time. I said I would be home around 11am but he was not happy as I did not get home until 11.30. Took him something to eat in. I went to bed when I got in as he was still not speaking to me. He then came up got into bed with back to me (as always) and then said should we keep going for the kids over christmas. i said yes.

Woke up next morning after not sleeping very well he said do you fancy a quickie. I just told him cannot believe what he is being like etc.

All okay on Saturday night, out together with friends but did not actually have a lot to say to him.

Rest of weekend alright. I do not understand how one minute it can be going okay and then he is like totally different person. After speaking to my sister in law yesterday i know that his family know what is going on.

Thanks