BellaOnline Forums Family Step Parenting Unhappy being Step-mom

I feel like something is missing on the posts that I am reading. I�m seeing a lot of blame and should of, could of, would of�and I truly hope you don�t take my post the wrong way. 1st and foremost each one of us (step-parents and bio-parents) has a choice to make when deciding which road we plan to follow. No one forces us to make these kinds of decisions. Whether you decide something for yourself (which is good) or because you want to make your relationship work, you are still in the driver�s seat. Secondly you have to communicate with your spouse, have you ever had a situation where you just wanted to yell I�m Not A Mind Reader. Well this time your spouse will want to say it, if you don�t tell they won�t know and I�m sure they won�t recognize the tale tell signs either. Lets just say its not on their list of things to look out for.
The fact that you (Gemini, Jennifer) don�t feel you should include yourself in the responsibility of helping provide for the step-children is amazing. True enough you aren�t the bio parents but the responsibility of the kid(s) rests on both adults in the home. I say this simply because each of you decided to date, live with, and then marry men who had children from previous relationships. It�s sort of like going a Dealership buying a car (after test driving it); then blaming the dealer later on how it wasn�t your choice to have a standard. And now you want the Dealership to make the car an automatic. Granted that you may not have known how you would react to the situation after you were married but this a situation that should have been thought through long and hard before marriage and definitely not taken lightly. These decisions don�t need to be rushed you have your whole life ahead of you. When you said I Do you got rid of the Is/Mines for We/Ours. This is what you signed up for when you got married. Lets be honest here if your husband comes to you and says baby/sweetheart lets go on a vacation, would you really expect to have to buy dutch and if you didn�t have the money (room, board, and entertainment) you�d be left behind. I don�t think you would graciously except or expect that in a marriage. By the way I know a guy just like that, I�m just glad my hubby isn�t.
Whether you want to be perfectly honest with yourself on this post, with a psychologist, or in your diary you still have to face the music. And the fact that if you didn�t/don�t want to deal with other peoples children you shouldn�t get involved in a relationship with outside children. You can�t force yourself to go along with something in hopes that it will all work out in the end. If something is broke you need to fix it pure and simple! And I�m sure on some level each of you had an inkling how you truly felt about being step-parents. It�s sort of like exercising your doctor recommends it, athletes swear by it, your body needs it, and some people even enjoy it. But I haven�t heard anyone say they just can�t get enough or can�t wait for more of the sore muscle aches that usually follow. Whether you�re young or old it doesn�t matter, you need to take some time and decide what is going to be the best thing for you to do. Counseling is strongly recommended, the longer you wait to act the harder it will be. I truly hope you are able to get the help you need to make the very difficult decisions you face.

Des28

This post is in response to Gemini As I sit here reading your post, I have tears in my eyes! Your post sounds as if I wrote it myself!!! Just yesterday I was bawling to my mom on the phone (again) trying to figure out just what I can do to better my situation. I, like you, am married to my soul mate. We have a WONDERFUL marriage! We love and respect each other very much. But I also feel like I'm being a fraud. Because he thinks I love his 5 yr old son, when in fact, I don't. I care about him, but I, like you, often curse my husband (in my own head) and wonder why the hell he couldn't have used protection with his flakey ex! I would LOVE to exchange email addresses or phone numbers with you. Aside from my mom, I have no one to vent my frustrations. I don't know about you, but I now know that I do not want kids of my own! They are: time consuming, dirty, messy, needy, gross, annoying, unintelligent, little brats! Let me know if you'd like to connect by email or phone! ~Darby

Gemini, I hope you are NOT listening to these other gals! I know EXACTLY what you are talking about!!! It has NOTHING to do with your age! And it is not fair that God has put you (and me) with your soul mate in a situation that you are not sure how to handle! It really annoys me that these other gals are making you feel bad for what you're feeling! Obviously, ladies, we knew what we were getting into, but we didn't know exactly how it would make us feel! And as I've always said, "How you feel, is neither right nor wrong. It is what it is!" Please know Gemini, that I understand every word of what you wrote! And don't feel like your bad or wrong for feeling that way! Shame on you other gals for trying to make her feel bad!!!!!!!

Hello all! I just happened by and read all the posts. If I'm correct here, we need to focus on what can gemini and jennifer do to improve their current unhappy situations?

There is something biological/hormonal going on here. Studies show that if estrogen levels are lower and testosterone levels higher, women lack the urge to be nurturers and caretakers (and thus, mothers.) Gemini just doesn't feel the desire to nurture another woman's child. When a woman gives birth, hormone levels surge and bonding occurs. Gemini didn't give birth to this child and lacked the hormonal benefits.

What can she do? Give it time. Taking care of this child (service to others) will tend to create a bond as time goes on. Be thankful that this is a sweet child who is offering his love to you already! If you love your husband deeply, think of this child as his flesh and blood--not the other woman's. Do bonding things with this child and it will come over time. Think of how sad it is for this child that his own biological mother doesn't want him. This child needs you so much.

As for jennifer: Once you had your own baby, your feelings about the step children changed. Normal. In nature, mothers protect "their own" and dispose of the competition. I'm NOT saying you should do that!!! LOL. But it is natural to feel the way you do.

But you do need to override your natural instincts here. Be a good person and try really hard to love them as your own child. God reminds us that even criminals love their own children. What makes a person better than criminals? By being able to love others as much as you love your own. It is possible. Open your heart.

If you don't, it will cause problems between you and your husband as well as problems between your child and his half siblings.

It is up to you, the mother of the household, to show everyone under your roof how to love, love, love and accept everyone in your family. Step children often feel that their family was ripped apart and when their parents remarry and have new children and new families, they feel left out in the cold. Mom has a new family. Dad has a new family. They have to go back and forth but never have parents together again like their step siblings.

Try hard to love them by treating them equal with your own child. Pray in your heart for God to help you. Go through the motions and your heart will follow.

Good luck.

It might also help to think of the children in this way - they are a part of their fathers.

You both mention that the men you are with are your soul-mates - well these children carry a tie to that soul as well.

It might be hard for you to love the child that has no connection with you whatsoever, but try to reach into that part of yourself that has bonded with your husband and see what this little one carries within that is also a piece of him. You might see him in their eyes or smile or even in the way they cock their heads. (My son has this quicky grin and shrug of the shoulders when he gets caught doing something that is an exact duplicate of his dad AND grandfather).

Finding your husband in his child may just give you a new outlook on how you feel for this munchkin.

As a step mom myself I can tell you that it can be a thankless job. But, remember, these kids grow up, and move out, they go out into the world on our own. I think it is ALL our responsibilities when we have any children in our lives to contribute to their upbringing to make sure they go out into the world as responsible adult citizens.

HI, I was reading your post and I have to say that I am not happy to be a step mother too. My husband daughter does not live with us, she come over once a week and every other weekend but when she is around our peace is gone because my husband and I always end up fighting because her and I hate it. After so many fights and resentments between us I feel very unconfortable when his daughter come to our house because my husband make her visits very unpleasant for me. At this point I actually try to avoid be around him when she is over, I dont feel happy having her with us because he changes his way with me, he want everybody on the house make a such big deal about her, he make a drama for every single thing that happen when she is over, he try to overplease her all the time and I just dont feel the same way like he does. I try to explain for him that he is making everything very difficulty for me with his attitude, his drama and pressure on me because his daughter but he just dont get it! he is totally blind, feel guilty and sorry for her and it drive me crazy..... I need help too, I dont know what to do anymore.

Re: Unhappy being Step-mom [Re: gemini1986] Gemini, ( [sorry for the length..but i got lots on this...I'm confident I can offer something.) Although I too am still young (31), I can tell you all most indefinitely that as you get older your perspectives will change. I hope my honesty doesn't offend you when I say this, however, although you may be mature for your age there is still much to discover about your self or what life is capable of. I feel and through the years many have agreed, life really doesn't start to make adult sense until you are near 30. Common age I hear from most is 28. ..."28 was the age when they came to realize they didn't really know them selves nor their views on life until then." Don't get me wrong, I don't know enough about you to say that you haven't experienced more than your fair share of life. So do take that with a grain of salt. About me: I was married at the age of 23 to a man that I had been with since I was 17. We had a my eldest just after my 19th birthday. We had our second child when I was 23 and were married when he was 6 months old. Lets just say that life threw some unexpected twists and turns my way during that year that my son was born and the same year we were married (2002 our family suffered several sudden deaths, one of which was my father and my grandmother 8 weeks apart and a cousin to suicide). Long story short we separated 3 months before our 2nd year anniversary (June 2004) and were divorced a year later in 2005 (but we are still dear friends). I don't say this to discourage you or even to imply this will be your path. I am simply making mention to my story to say to you that I know first hand that when you think you got it figured sometimes you really just need time to grow and understand things personally. I came to realize when I was about 28 that I really didn't know enough about my self in the previous 8 years to have been so confident in my decision making in the big areas of my life. I too am mature for my age. I was raised by a single mother and have a younger brother and sister. I am 5 years older than the youngest and also come from a large family with 30 some odd cousins ranging in ages. I helped to bring up my brother and sister and stepped into the role when my mother wasn't available. I did the cooking and the cleaning the guiding in tough situations, I was the the place they phoned in the later years when something BIG happened in there life and they didn't know how to deal with it. And now I am the second mom. Whenever they need advice, a cooking recipe, parenting/disciplining points, someone to take care of their kids when they are gone, a place to vent or cry or money even. It's my phone that rings when these things come up. And I'm only 31. Point to make is that I have had much experience of playing the adult role. So I really thought I was making the right decisions and handling them the most appropriate way. I came to realize just after my divorce that my perspectives were not really all that clear. I was thinking with the mind of the role I was playing apposed to actually thinking like an adult and with my heart. I was making all the mature decisions and looking at the ideal way that life should transpire according the world around me. After having loving and lost I realized that I wasn't thinking for me and that I should have allowed my self a few more years of living and I should have gradually made my way to living the life of an adult. Granted life's circumstances and a bit of carelessness on my part threw me into the path of parenting and left me no choice but to carry forward and do the responsible thing. Meaning to say, things change and with a different perspective, and with age comes experience... don't sell yourself as a failure so quickly, you're new to this. Unless you hate kids all together, this can change for you. Its a matter of tool and technique. Besides no one said you have to fall in love with the boy. You just have to be good to him and develop a place for him. Heck I'm sure there's even adults that you didn't like when you first got to know them, but still grew to appreciate them. It's natural. Even though they're kids they are still people. You still have to get to know and love them. After marrying and divorcing before I was 26, I am now engaged to be married (for the first time as far as I'm concerned) and I am the mother of the 2 from my first marriage and my fiance brought with him a son from his previous relationship and we now have our own who is 8 months old. I also do daily care for my brother and sisters children who are 8, 5 and 5. Daily, I have 7 children the ages of 12, 10, 7, 8 months, 8, 5 and 5. Leaving me to be a mom and a step mom and "auntie mom" everyday all day. Where step children are regarded, I am not proud to say that I haven't entirely LOVED mine (he's the 10 yr old) everyday in the past years. He has rubbed me wrong and gotten under my skin in so many ways...it has created upheaval in my marriage and I am still actively trying to find a way to make it work in entirety. But I am realistic to the fact that it will take work to get there. But at least I am honest about my acknowledgments and honest that I am equally responsible in the outcome of our longevity as mom and son. Acceptance is key. Now, where all this is relevant to you and your situation is to say that you need to allow your self the gradual transition into being a full time mother. I am a full time mom and "auntie mom" and not even I absolutely "love it" everyday. All these children are treated as my own and as if I gave birth to every last one of them. It is a frame of mind and a selflessness to achieve loving a child that is not yours. I see it as being similar to loving your hubby. You have to accept him and love him for who he is and you have to be grateful to him for the qualities he brings out in you. See past the fact that he is 5 and grasp the personality traits in him that make him unique and in turn make you a better person. People come into our lives for a reason he was brought into yours to make you reflect and to make you think differently. I do know one thing is for certain and pardon my forwardness in saying so, you jumped into full time mom mode way to quick. I feel and believe you were a bit naive to think that you 2 would be this proud mommy and me team instantaneously. As specially considering the way you 2 came into each others lives, having never known each other. I also believe that if your husband doesn't stop and listen a little more intently to what your feelings and concerns are, that you are going to end up losing yourself in all this and the only ones having their needs met will be your husband and your SS. This disappearance of self will inevitably catch up with you if you don't recognize it soon enough. And that is such hard pit to dig yourself out of. I know this first hand. My story could take up an entire web site in itself. I mean that seriously. My suggestion is to take a step back and dumb it down. Get back to basics. I also think if your husband is not willing to hear you out or compromise in a solution that will work for both of you, you have to just not give him a choice and explain to him that this is not a negotiation and that for the sake and longevity of your marriage and life he will allow you to do what is needed to make this work. YOU HAVE TO BE HONEST with yourself and also with your hubby. I personally would start by easing the time you and your SS spend together. Considering that he cannot be in daycare or anything, then you 2 get out together and head to park or local mommy and me friendly zones. Check your local papers or community centers and see what kind of group gatherings are happening. This will serve many purposes. One it will take the tension off you alone to entertain your SS and 2 it will allow you the ability to simultaneously interact as an adult. You learn so much from other mothers just by being in their presence and watching how they interact and handle their children. And it also fantastically makes your SS feel like he is special to you. I don't know if you have friends with children or relatives with children. This is an equally viable avenue to consider. Also I would seriously consider a hobby out of the house that is for you alone to get away to. take a yoga class, join a sports team, take up pottery or art. Hell go and see a councilor once a week just to vent and get some objectivity. Not something that feels like it's work or you have to do it to be contributing to the family unit. If it's not selfish it won't achieve the purpose of doing something for you. I think if you ease yourself into the role of being a mom you can slowly accept it and then grow to love it. Don't beat yourself up for not feeling all lovey dovey with your SS. It's only been a short time since you have come into each others life. Just cause he's a child doesn't mean the process in getting to know him is any different from meeting someone knew anywhere and of any age. You have to remember that with all turmoil is a lesson. It's up to you to chose to see the lesson or the hardship. I have learned over the years that learning is better than griping. I am going to keep checking back on you. Please feel free to directly respond to me. I can give you my email if you wanna talk more...let me know. Hang in there. You made the first admirable move. You stayed. That little boy will be a better person because of your selflessness. Take care, stay positive and get some down time. Cheers!

Gemini, I've read your post. I'm not really old but I've been through quite a bit and my take on your situation is... You resent the boy for taking away what you thought you were going to be getting. You thought you were marrying your soulmate, building a life with him, spending nights snuggled together (alone), staying up till 3 am making love (with no one to interupt), going out to dinner (without a kids menu), you get the idea. Now, you are second place. You thought you knew what you were getting into, but now you see you had no clue. Your dream came crashing down when reality set in and you found out you had to be a Step-Mom for real. I might not be even close, but I bet I'm not too far off. You know it's not the boys fault. You have resentment towards him probably because you would feel like [censored] for blaming your "soulmate" that you love so much and have dedicated so much to. You barely knew the boy so he seems to be the one your resenting. It all seemed like it would work out because you loved your Man so much. Now you see what it's really like to be in a real marriage without the frills and sweet nothings in your ear. Just plain old, bedtime at 9pm, wake up 7am, drink coffee, make breakfast, kid off to school, do housework, bla bla bla. I love my life and it's just like that, but some people don't. Especially when you're young and haven't been married before or had kids. It's hard to become insto grownup. I'm not saying you're a child, I'm simply saying you expected to live alittle before the kids and settled in life came along. It's going to take alot of hard work from you to get through this. You're probably afraid to be honest with Hubby because you don't want to shatter him because you're still so newlywedded. Fact is, you have to be honest with him and let him decide how he would like to contribute to this issue. He's involved he just doesn't know it. He deserves the right to know what you feel and how he wants to handle his Son's best interest. The boy comes first, but you know that. You should really go to a counselor alone at first to get your barings on how you feel and why, then include your husband in them so he can better understand how to help you cope or if you even can cope. Deep down I'm sure you know the answers to your own questions you are just looking for reassurance. Before you do what you think is best talk to a professional that can help you understand WHY you feel the way you do! I hope I haven't overstepped any boundries. Best of luck to you