BellaOnline Forums Family Step Parenting Unhappy being Step-mom

Hi everyone!

I am young step-mother... who is not enjoying her new �mommy� role and does not know who to talk to, or what to do.

I am making this post in hopes to get different point of views and advice from different people.

Here is a little about me... I found my soul mate and fell in love at a young age, I feel very mature for my age and after more than 3 years of dating I married my soul mate! I think it is very important for everyone to know that I am very happy with married life, and never have doubts about that decision! On the other hand, my husband has sole custody of his son, a 5 year old, who's birth mother is hardly involved in his life, in fact, she lives in another state. I have become stay-at-home mom while my husband works full time, and I absolutely hate it. I have discussed this with my husband, but he brings up the fact that this is what I said I want, which is true, but I was wrong. I thought I wanted to be a married, stay-at-home mom with the white picket fence, but since the 3 of us moving in together I have come to realize how wrong I was. I absolutely do not enjoy being a mom, and to be honest, I don't have a connection with his son. He calls me mommy, he always tells me how much he loves me and gives me hugs and kisses, but I do not show affection back because it does not feel natural to me. My husband always says how happy he is with his family, and I simply do not feel the same. Most of the time I feel mad at my husband for having a baby outside of marriage, because if he would have been more careful I would not be in this situation. I am unhappy anytime his son is here (which is always, besides the time that flies by while he is at kindergarten). His son is very well behaved, the best behaved 5 year old I've ever met! And I am nice to him, I don't let my inner anger out on him, but I am faking, and although its only been a few months, I can't take it anymore. I have had dreams where I am choking the child (never anything I would actually do) but probably due to all my frustrations since he moved in. I was so excited and looking forward to him moving in, and now it makes me sick to think that he will be here for at least the next 13 years. I have tried to bond with him, everyone else thinks there is a bond there since he calls me mommy and always says he loves me, but I don't feel it. And after 3 months of living together and being home all day everyday with the child because of summer break, I thought I would have made a connection and truly start loving him as a mom would. Help!!

You should think about getting some counselling, or otherwise changing your situation. Kids know intuititively when a parent withholds affection, and it deeply affects them, especially in formative years like this. I admire your honesty, but the child has to come first. No child asks to be born, and it's entirely the luck of the draw who they get as parents, so you need to put him first. Can you be this honest with your husband?

Things change, people change. Your husband should realize that just because you thought you wanted one thing, that could change. Especially since you had never really experienced that before. Now you have and have decided you want something else. I don't see anything wrong with that. I went from working full time to being a sahm and stepmom and found that I could not do it. I am now working part time and back in school. My stepkids living situation seems to change yearly with who they are living with, so that has been something I have not had any control over and have simply had to deal with and adjust to each time a change is made. Sometimes I get along great with them, other times I can hardly stand to be in the same room with them. I think that is normal. You can't force feelings. You just have to let them grow on their own. Some people are able to form that connection quickly and some never do. Some are day by day! LOL

You don't say how long you have been married. If it has been for a short time, then don't worry about it. If he is as wonderful as you say he is, then it won't take long before you fall in love with him and it will happen suddenly.

And I agree with Janet that you should at least talk with your husband about it because if you hold it inside, it will eat at you and that is not healthy for anyone. May be you can get a part time job while he is in kindergarten because that will at least get you out of the house for awhile or work during the off shift of your husband.

Thank You all for your advice.. To answer some of the questions, we have been married for almost 4 months, so I am hoping that with a little more time I can develop a bond with his son. I am considering speaking with a counselor and getting a part-time job or going back to school so I can get out of the house more frequently. I think I've just been feeling like I had to put my life on hold for him(son), like I don't have a life anymore. But I really want to bond with him & feel like he's my own. Although I have been doing some reading & I came across some info that said the motherly bond, even with the non-birth parent, happens within the 1st 6 months of a childs life. Hopefully that does not have to be the case.

Gemini:

Please read a quote of something you said and can you explain more what you really meant? ~
"Most of the time I feel mad at my husband for having a baby outside of marriage, because if he would have been more careful I would not be in this situation."

I don't understand how his having a baby 2 years before meeting you makes your current situation his fault. Did I miss something? You seem angry at his having a child and you being forced to be the Step-Mom. I just want to caution you regarding placing blame and not accepting some of the responsibility.

I say this from a place of experience. First, it has been my experience that when you tell your man how you feel about a given subject they don't understand how later your feelings could have changed. Let's say you wanted to be a stay at home mom with the white picket fence - okay - isn't that what we raise our little girls to want when they grow up? Not having experienced that we (as women) don't know if that make-believe fairy tale is a right fit for us. So when we do find the picket fence and discover it is not for us (Stepford Wives comes to mind) we feel justified in changing our desires but the men in our lives have a harder time accepting it.

Unlike you, I never wanted the kids, house and picket fence (mine was a castle in a cool faraway land!) but once I had my kids I loved them. I am now in a relationship where my kids are with me almost full time and I have two boys that are my SO's. He is a widower (whole different forum topic!) and I told him when we got together that I did not want to be their mom. I'm not going to dump all my baggage here, but suffice it to say I'd rather just have my kids. I don't know if a step-parent can ever truly love someone else's child the same as our own. Perhaps - but I don't know.

A 5 year old is in a stage of needing a LOT of parenting and it takes a huge whole bunch of your energy to do so. Then top it off with all of a sudden staying at home and I am going to assume your finances are now totally dependent oh your new husband. This may not be something you thought about - but being totally DEPENDANT on another person uncovers a whole new layer of feelings. This seems to be complicated with a brand spanking new marriage where the two of you should just be newlyweds - the two of you.

Also, you said something like "they moved in..." Did they move into your home? Usually it is best for people to start fresh in a whole new environment. This way neither party has the "home court advantage." Just a thought. You might resent having to share your home with both of them. (I'm living in the dead wife's home!)

You are young, your marriage is young, and you SHOULD be enjoying married life with just your man! Usually a child this young is with the natural mother. I don't need to know why he is not, but that would be a big help if he was with her.

My support to you is this: Have a conversation with your husband about how you feel. Be VERY careful not to use words that make him feel you are blaming him or it is "fault." You have the right to change how you feel. Then, look for something to do outside of the house. You mentioned school. KUDOS to you! Get yourself an education and a career and then you will have something that is yours, free and clear. You will no longer be dependent on someone else. Does wonders for the self esteem.

As for the child, I can only say that perhaps finding a counselor is a good idea. I know someone prior to my reply suggested this. I agree in this way: you will be able to explore you feelings in a safe environment and perhaps find ways to integrate both of them into your life. But I would also do family counseling at some point. Your man needs to hear the ups and down of merging families from a licensed professional. This way he will have the tools he needs to apply as well.

I know this is long winded. But coming from a 11 year marriage and now a 4 year live-in with a widower and his two teens - I have a lot of experience.

Let go of the petty things - be careful not to use blaming words and remember this: at the end of the day would you rather be right or rather be happy?

Hope this helps.

Rebecca
a concerned woman

Yes, this is the ideal time to bind with an infant. But really, how many of us have an ideal time?

My last baby was born extremely premature, and I went through a horrible case of post-psrtum depression (which was actually full - blown depression, but that; another discussion). Our bonding did not happen right away.

But i adore that little boy now. He makes me laugh on a daily basis. Compared to the drama and trauma I go through with his autistic brother - anything Seth does is just funny. (Although I have to pretend to be mad - so he will learn to behave) But his stuff is just so small potatoes compared to everything else in my life.

Somewday there will be something you will be able to bond with you step-son over. It my niot happen right away, and it may shock the fool out of you when it does happen. But don't give up hope. Children are eve changing - and so are we, atually!

Hi there. I am so sorry for everything that you are going through. You have so many different things coming at you at once.

First of all, if you at first wanted to be a stay-at-home mom and then realized it wasn't your thing, please don't blame it on the little boy. The same thing happened to me with my biological kids. I love them dearly, but after staying home for a while I thought wow...this whole staying home thing is A LOT harder than I thought...so I went back to school.

Second of all, you really do need to resolve your anger about what your husband did before you met. You knew he had this child going into the relationship. This is your issue to resolve, not his....


Finally, please please please get counseling. And talk to your husband. This little boy needs love. If you don't feel motherly, approach it as if you were an aunt or something, but find a way to love him and protect him. Love him because you love his dad...see the parts of him that are his dad. Something.

Be patient with yourself; it does take time to build a relationship, but please realize that he will sense that you are withholding from him and it will affect him...

I wish you the best, and I am so sorry you are experiencing such frustration. Do keep in touch.

Once again thanks to everyone for sharing your experiences and advice.

Unfortunately, not a whole lot has changed. Sometimes we have a lot of fun together, but on a daily basis I feel I am just going through the motions. I am simply unhappy, but dealing with it. Getting a job did not work out because I had to work around their (husband & son) schedules & that did not leave me with much availability, therefore nobody wanted to hire me. And our finances at the moment would not allow for having a nanny or after school daycare. As far as going back to school, I thought it through, and I already have a degree & in this particular feild I have the highest degree I could earn, so I decided against that as well.

To answer some of the questions...

...I was mad at husband for having child outside of marriage, because it was an accident. He was very young and did not plan on having a child, especially at that age, so my anger comes from me wishing he would have been more careful when he was young. Really though, I shouldn't say I'm angry at him for this, I am just frustrated with the situation.

...The childs natural mother is not in his life & my husband has full custody.

Some other info that might allow better understanding of our situation... Our situation, I feel, is very unique, the child was living with his grandma in another state when my husband & I met. My husband left his son with grandma so he could finish college, he did finish, but then he also met me. We dated a few years while both in college, he graduated, we got engaged, then married, then his grandma brought his son here and he moved in with us after our honeymoon. So basically, other than meeting the child a few times and talking on the phone with him, we did not know eachother. He is young so he quickly accepted me as "mommy". Again, I feel I am just going through the motions of day-to-day life. I wish my husband and I would have had more newlywed time, just the two of us. I dread his son's school breaks and summer vacation because then I lose that time from getting a mommy break. I have a lot of respect for stay at home mothers, it is extremely demanding. It is a great job to have, but not for me.

I agree with the other posters that since you love your husband that you might want to give counseling a try. You may even get to the point where you can't imagine your life without that little boy in it, but if you don't you should find a way to get to a happy place because life is too short to live in a constant state of dread such as the one you are describing in your posts.

You deserve to be happy and the little boy deserves to be loved. Whether or not that is possible for either of you in the situation that you are in is anybody's guess. As you say, feelings can't be forced but attachments can develop over time.

You mentioned that being a stay at home mom just isn't for you. Perhaps if you re-entered the work force you might not feel so isolated.

I wish you the best and hope that things work out for the best for all of you.