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Thank you for listening and your responses.

I would say that a lot of the time if the kids need something they get it as quickly as possible. They may have to wait a week or so otherwise if needed there and then they get it. I normally have to wait. In our early years got together with he was 17 and I was 19 and stayed with his mum until she died, then went with the flow,got married and had kids. If I look back everything was for him before anyone else apart from when the kids were younger. I remember times in years gone by when he said horrible things but not in front of the kids. I really think that after his affair last year I have changed as a person and am a lot harder, my mum says this as well. I feel I hardly ever smile anymore and his neices and nephews say this as well. They think he is very selfish. The difference is that he knows I can survive without him but not sure how he would do. I am having a serious think just now about where I want to go in life.

Our daughter now answers him back and my son has also said various things to him. I think if it is affecting anyone it is my son as sometimes if we are not speaking and sitting in the same room he will say something to his dad that you would not expect. He used to love going to school and moved to the bigger school after summer and sometimes does not want to go to school. Both my kids are very loving towards me, my daughter would go with me and I think my son would but he is a reall daddy's boy and would not want to lose him.

We are trying to get along as much as possible but I feel that I do not know that I want him anymore. I do still love him and we have a good sex life but do no want the anger and arguements that go with it.

Hello again

He gives the kids some priority but likes to control things. On and off over the years he has been moody. We do not have any credit cards and do not intend to have them.

Sometimes I feel that when things go wrong between us he is the one actually wanting to split but will not go through with it. I can only take so much of it and this time is coming soon. I do not want my kids to go through this. I do love him and have a good sex life but as I said to him at times I do not like him. I want a life that is for me as well. I do not know if he could survive on his own but know within me that I could do it on my own with the kids. It may be a lonlier life but would be a happy one.

He seems to get really angry and really moany especially when he has a drink. Most of the time I feel like we are just speaking to each other and doing various things to keep the peace. i do not think he respects me at all. All I want is for someone to be there for me to make me a cup of coffee now and again, ask me once in a while what I want or want to do, someone who will sometimes think about me and get me a surprise present for birthdays or even a birthday card and generally think about me, who does not shout at me. Is this too much to ask?

Thank you for listening and your responses.

I would say that a lot of the time if the kids need something they get it as quickly as possible. They may have to wait a week or so otherwise if needed there and then they get it. I normally have to wait. In our early years got together with he was 17 and I was 19 and stayed with his mum until she died, then went with the flow,got married and had kids. If I look back everything was for him before anyone else apart from when the kids were younger. I remember times in years gone by when he said horrible things but not in front of the kids. I really think that after his affair last year I have changed as a person and am a lot harder, my mum says this as well. I feel I hardly ever smile anymore and his neices and nephews say this as well. They think he is very selfish. The difference is that he knows I can survive without him but not sure how he would do. I am having a serious think just now about where I want to go in life.

Our daughter now answers him back and my son has also said various things to him. I think if it is affecting anyone it is my son as sometimes if we are not speaking and sitting in the same room he will say something to his dad that you would not expect. He used to love going to school and moved to the bigger school after summer and sometimes does not want to go to school. Both my kids are very loving towards me, my daughter would go with me and I think my son would but he is a reall daddy's boy and would not want to lose him.

We are trying to get along as much as possible but I feel that I do not know that I want him anymore. I do still love him and we have a good sex life but do no want the anger and arguements that go with it.

"Silver50" you rock! WOW - I couldn't have said it any better... NO ONE signs up for physical/ nor verbal abuse - the bruises may go away but the verbal hangs in the brain.

Hey Skinnycow - the problems in your marriage have alot to do with many issues - as im sure you're aware. It stems from the affair - the money - the kids - the house - the drinking - the abuse...counselling could help - but if you're both not willing to 'change' then it's a moot point. Abuse of any kind is intolerable -i truly believe that mental abuse is worse than hitting. You self-esteem and self-worth is tested constantly - and even if you're 'getting along' now - there will be another hill to climb -and it will start all over.

I was married for 12 years to a man who did both - mental and physical - started out with a bit of pushing - nasty words etc. - he blamed me - said i got in his face - kicked me - punched me - (i lost a child) etc. I stayed because i thought he could change and for the kids (who were little at the time and i didn't think it affected them) - Guess what? They're 21, 18 and 15 now - and it affected them. They remember me crying in the bathroom - they remember their father being mean to me - they remember him not coming home and talking to me nasty. And they're boys - so it was even harder for me i thought because i didn't want them to become abusers.

We were in the same situation as you - credit card bills - money issues - i had a house-a car - a good job - a nice life - or so i thought. We had the honeymoon periods just like you're describing - he would stay in - pay more attention etc....then it would change. For 6 months he carried on an affair with a woman i knew nothing about (maybe because i was going to school-working and taking care of 3 kids). I didn't want to believe it - until my best friend (who was his friend too) called me and said there was something i should see. We went to a bar he went to after baseball - and lo and behold - there he was with his 'new' girlfriend. Anyways - long story short - we sold the house-consolidated all debt - and went our separate ways. It wasn't easy - i lost everything - my credit - everything - it's taken me 8 years to correct it-to start over.
No house or 'things' can replace your self esteem. The kids have always said the happiest they ever were - was when we moved into our new home - had no furniture - really no money - and just us. We didn't have a tv etc. We had so much fun.

Not to say it hasn't been without issues. My ex is an [censored]....he constantly plays game with the kids -pitting them against me - threatens me - (ive had him arrested)-he's lost his license to DUI etc. He is working on his 5th girlfriend (the woman he left me for - she charged him with assault). I have met and married again (5 years) and we've worked 'together' to buy a house - and build our life together.

It's not easy - and it hasn't been easy in my new relationship. I brought ALOT of baggage with me. Things i would absolutely NOT put up with - and we have tried to stick with that. We have sometime resorted to 'name calling' and it hurts. The key is to tell someone exactly what you need from a relationship - if they're willing to give it - then you are on the same page - if they're not - what kind of life will you have? Be honest with yourself -and most of all for your kids. Trust me - they will thank you for it!

Thanks for your posting. It is really good to know that you are not the only person out there that is going through or has been trhough this type of thing.

We are doing okay at the moment, as I said before we have a good social life but at the moment I am wanting to stay in the house as a family and spend time together. Non of us are drinking a lot either which is good. He still moans about general things and when he gets like that I feel like whats the point. Sometimes I feel he is very angry with our daughter and she thinks that he hates her.

Anyway we will see what happens. Sometimes I wish we had fairy who you could make a wish to, she would come along and wave a magic wand and everything would be dealt with. Anyway he is going away with the pipe band for a weekend and it will jsut be me and the kids and I am really looking forward to this.

thanks again.