BellaOnline Forums Relationships Divorce problems in marriage

Giving you some back ground,married for 13 years, been together 19 years, over 3 years ago I ran up debts on credit cards to make sure we always had enough money for everything. we moved house paid them off, bearing in mind my husband always had everything he wanted, all the latest clothes (designer), cars etc. Then last year found out he was seeing my best friend, think it had been going on for about 3 months or maybe longer not sure. Stayed together, my choice and decided to move house and during this time borrowed money but again it went through the house and I was always trying to make sure enough money (we both earn good wages)but he keeps on about saving, did not tell husband but dd eventually and we used some of our savings to repay this. He then sold his bike to put money back into savings. Since then it has been seriously rocky, we have a lot of fights about money and I have now told him when he wants something that we cannot afford it. I do not think he loves me as when angry he calls me names, has pushed me, told me to leave, that he hates me etc. Also moans about nearly everything I do. In general if he wants something he normally gets it and if I want something he will say when we have the money! I earn nearly as much as him but do not see as much. we have been getting on well but I am really fed up. I do love him when it is going good, which it is at the moment but want something back for me. He is now wanting to go away soon to something which is an annual event and when I said no he said he will work extra hours for the money. He also said if I want something i should do extra hours. I did tell him that I work full time and also have the house and kids to look after. I know at the end of the day we both have caused the current situation but the way I am feeling do not know what to do. We have a good social life but they are his friends and their wives and if we split up I am not to contact them etc. he is very selfish but I feel I just want a life for myself again. I do feel that I am waiting on it all blowing up again.

This might seem silly, but have you considered a financial planner? It does seem there are more issues than money though.

Visiting a financial planner would help you both develop a fair budget, with an allotment for extras that you could each choose to spend as you wish. Whether that's $10 a week or $100 depending on your overall income level. At least then you'd both know you could spend x amount on whatever you like once bills, savings and the kids had been taken care of. If there is extra it could be saved for trips, etc.

If you decide to stay with him, it might not hurt to at least look at the financials of splitting up. Then if the situation worsens, you'll know more of your options. I would avoid taking out any new credit cards and make sure he doesn't either. You could end up paying his bills after the divorce.

Best of luck.

my wages pay everything and we use his on a weekly basis and save from them. After December he will have to put around �100 to the mortgage which is fine. I have asked him about giving each of us so much on a weekly basis but he does not want this. I have also suggested we split bills etc 50/50 and also save a certain amount each month but he does not this as he will have less than me to play with. I cannot win at the moment.

hi and welcome.

I am a little worried about him yelling at you and pushing you. If he is being physical with you, now is not really the time to be confronting him alone. Will he go to counseling?

Thanks for your messages. I would advise that I do not actually want to go to counseling and I do not think he would either. We are getting on at the moment, first time for a long time, we are staying in a lot more with the kids and will see how things go. We are not shouting at each other just now. He is now doing a bit more to help in the house with the kids which is good. He is not quite as angry about things at the moment either.

He only ever pushed me when he was drunk and we both have stopped drinking near as much. I think we did that to avoid the issues going on between us. I do not think he would do that again and if he did I would not tolerate it a second time as I saw my parents having fights and that is not what I want for me or my children. as I said at the moment things are okay but it is good to know that people are out there to talk to. I have also got my diary which I am writing in every day to look back on things.

thanks

HI,
Drinking is not a excuse for a man to push you. He wants all of the control in your relationship. You might think that he won't push you or do something worse, but he might. He is emotionally & mentally abusive to you. Then it started to escalate to his pushing you.

I'm sorry to say, but you won't have a life of your own as long as he is controlling you & everything else. He is very selfish & self centered. I can't see that this has changed overnight. You should not even tolerate a man pushing you once. This is my opinion. Why risk it happening a 2nd time?

Charity is right, you could get stuck with all kinds of bills & credit card charges that he makes. You have to start protecting yourself. It is not good for kids to see him push you, call you names & not respect you. I hope that you can get help for yourself. You can't make him get help or change. You can only make positive changes for yourself. Good luck to you, Judy K. Chicago.

i know exactly what you are saying but it is very hard deciding what is for the best at the time. In any event I am retaliating and he knows that I am not putting up with things anymore. We had a bit of a bad night on Friday and now his family know exactly what is going on.

I do have one question to ask. I know that people don't always mean what they say but when we are arguing he says horrible things and also in the morning after when we are still not speaking. I let him rant on and do not speak back to him. Why do people say horrible things when arguing and do you think they actually really mean it?

i question that myself myhusband and i both do it to each other times i say nothing because words do hurt. i think people say things in anger frustration to get the last word in and to make the other person hurt which probally means that the person saying the bad words is hurting themselves. there are times when i have said things and did not mean it and then there are times in which i did mean it..

HI,
I think that anyone can be capable of saying things that they should not. The difference is in a unhealthy relationship, this will happen alot or almost everytime. In a healthy loving relationship with mutual respect, people will still have disagreements but in a mature, respectful way. They will not resort to fighting dirty, verbally hitting below the belt & trying to destroy the other person's self-worth & self-esteem.

A person who continually rants & raves like this & will carry it over for hours & even the next day or days later, has a serious anger problem. Other problems too. If you decide to stay with someone like this, you can always leave & not listen to them go on & on & on.

Skinnycow, I know what you mean. I was in certain situations. But it came to the point that I could no longer put up with certain things & still hold on to my own sanity & self worth. Years ago I did wind up kicking my husband out. I did not have hardly any $ & almost all of my family passed away when I was real young. I really had no place to go to or much of any help. But I could no longer live with what I was putting up with & allowing to go on in my life.

Things did work out for me, but it took a long time. I had to also work on myself to find out why I was letting people into my life who did not really care about me or love me. Love should not hurt so much. I'm not saying that there are 100% perfect marriages & relationships. But there is a difference in being with a abusive person & a normal, human, person.

Maybe this is all you know. I'm not saying this to you with any sarcasm. But there are better people & situations out there. It is very hard to kick someone out or leave. I had a young daughter at the time too. No one ever said that it is easy. But this is no good for kids to hear & see. My daughter had alot of damage from seeing & hearing what was going on as a regular part of life.

There are many forms of abuse besides hitting someone & beating them up. There is mental abuse, verbal abuse, controlling abuse, sex abuse & more. My Father use to rant & rave like you described. It does alot of damage to a person's self esteem to hear this so much. Kids have no choice but to stay where they are. But as adults we do have choices of where we are. I know how scary it is. But this is why there are shelters & other help. You might want to check out the forum for dosmetic violence. Good luck to you. Judy K. Chicago.

13 years........such a long time, i mean i feel little worry about my marriage too when i see someone discuss about his/her married life after spending so much time together.And,I think i have settled with my husband after spending 6 years together. We r having a good and bad time both.But,in your case, I think 13 years r enough to understand someone.Tell me one thing, how did you spend your early life with your husband i mean did he care about you and your desires at that time?


The thing i wanna to say that if your husband does not respect your desires then what so fun spending your life with such a selfish man.You r a self dependent woman.Why do u feel worry?Well, it gives me relax when you wrote now everything is going well between you and your husband.

My best wishes r with you.

Tell me one more thing,does he give priority to yours kids desires before spending money on anything that he wants.