BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Struggling with the Childfree Decision

I'm a 33 year old single woman who is really struggling with the children/no children issue. I have never felt a true, consistent yearning for children. I enjoy children from ages birth to about 4 years old. After that, they really don't do anything for me. That said, I am very good with children - patient, nurturing, etc... I almost think I could go either way with this issue. I am currently talking about this with my therapist; I am reading books on the subject; I will be taking a workshop on the "Baby Decision" in early November; I do yoga and meditation to try and get in touch with my true self; I make an effort to interact with friends' children to see how I feel; I talk to everyone I can (and is appropriate) about his/her parenting experience. I am agonizing over this because a serious relationship recently ended over this issue. While I don't want to force a decision, I would like to get a better sense of which way I lean. I am petrified to have a child and petrified not to. I'm just very stuck and trying to do everything I can to remain true to myself, but resolve this. It's so hard. I would appreciate anything anyone has to say about his/her experience in making this decision, particularly if you struggled with making it. Thanks so much for reading.

Hi,

I have also struggled with the question for years. In my early 20s I did not have a desired to have children. In my late 20s I met a wonderful man, who I later married. He never wanted children and had a vasectomy (a decision we made together). I was fine with the decision when we were dating but after we married, I wondered if the decision to be child free was the right one for me.

It was not that I had a longing to give birth but it felt like everyone around me was either getting pregnant or had children, and I felt left out. I struggled for years and even decided on adopting a little girl from China.

I did all the paperwork, going as far as naming the child. My husband thought it was just a stage in my life, and it may pass. When I told him that we had an appointment with the adoption agency he knew that I may be serious. He told me that he would do it because he was scared that I would leave him.

I realized at that moment that I should never force anyone to do something that they did not want to do, especially something so serious as raising a child, which I myself was not so sure I wanted.

We never adopted the child and ended up moving from the big city to a small town. Life had other things planned for us.

I believe life is a journey and we never know what is beyond the next corner. If you are meant to have a child it will happen. If it does not happen then it was just meant to occur. This does not make your journey any less important. Live you life to the fullest and be thankful for everything you have. It is only when accept you life as it is that you find happiness and peace.

Giselle

Giselle-Thanks so much for your reply. I think where I am is that I have always kind of "known" that children aren't for me, but I haven't had the courage/strength to really admit that to myself. Now that the decision has smacked me in the face, I am coming to terms with it. To think that I won't have children and be a mother is like trying on a whole different identity for myself and it's extremely scary, although somewhat exhilerating. I guess I am getting adjusted to and becoming comfortable with the idea that I won't have children. I have to admit that I feel a bit of relief. Although this has been so emotionally painful, it has been the best exercise in getting to know myself and self-growth that I have ever had. In that way, it has been very freeing. I have a ways to go. I really enjoy visiting this forum - I'm relatively new here. What I have seen written here has been a great comfort and support.

I have a somewhat similar situation to yours. Ive always been a pretty nurturing person, Im a special education teacher and I work with teens with severe disabilities. I also really enjoy kids and am good with them. Many people I know have told me what a wonderful mother Id be. However, other then when I was much younger Ive never felt the pull to be a mother. I like doing my own thing and just cant see myself with a child. Though I enjoy children I also dont like to be around them indefinitely. After I got married I became even more convinced I didnt want kids, luckily my husband feels the same way. Im very fulfilled with our relationship and our pets, we have 6 dogs and three cats, I love mothering them! The money factor is also huge and I cnat see how we would afford a child as I know Id want to stay home for at least a while. I thought I might start wanting kids as I got older but now Im thirty and Ive never been more sure in my life that I dont want kids. I keep the option opena and I know I can turn to adoption someday if I want too, but I doubt Ill ever be a mom. On the one hand I feel a great sense or relief and joy when I think that, its like a huge burden has been lifted and I feel really clear about my future. At other times I feel a little sad when I see a cute baby or think about the names I had picked out long ago for my future children. I really do believe though that if you are ambivalent about having children, its a sign that your not supposed too.

Hi,
I agree with you. Since I don't have children people automatically conclude that I never wanted children. They don't realize the struggle that I have had to overcome within myself to get to the place I am now. It is not a black and white answer.

I believe that those individuals who don't have children have truly thought about it while most people who have children just basically got pregnant by accident and that was that.

Have a great day.
Giselle

" I think where I am is that I have always kind of "known" that children aren't for me, but I haven't had the courage/strength to really admit that to myself."

************
I always knew that about myself as well, but nevertheless at around age 40, I felt I HAD to have a child. Went through expensive fertility procedures only for it to fail and started the adoption process.

As I trodded through the adoption process and the many forms that probe the psyche to determine if a person is fit to parent, it became clear to me, that I did not want to be a parent, nor would I have been a good one.

After further agony, a friend suggested I sit down and make a Pro/Con's list. This did the trick for me, as my Con's List was much longer and enabled me to see in Black & White that motherhood was something I truly did not desire. Despite my fears about growing older alone and all of the others reasons I used to convince myself that I should give motherhood a try, I could no longer ignore what my true feelings were.

Now, I am "Favorite Auntie" to several of my friend's children and my Godson and I absolutely LOVE my role. I get to have children in my life and then at the end of the day take them home to their parents. I like to think I have the best of both worlds.

Best of luck to you. I know how difficult this decision can be.

I agree - I have been there and I highly recommend writing down the pros and cons!

I too am struggling with the decision. My boyfriend wants kids and I have had no desire thus far in life for kids. Mind you that I am 21, living at home, not married and in college. I don't know how anyone can decide how many kids they want at an early age. I work 12-14 hours a day and lose sleep because of work. Why would I want more responsibility in life when I haven't even experienced financial difficulties or housing issues etc. I don't even know if I can afford kids or have the time for them. I view kids as a "want" not as a "need". No where does it say that I must quit my job and be a housewife and change diapers all day.

bmac2333, although I have never struggled with the decision to be childfree (I realized when I was about 16 that I did not want children), I wanted to give you some support that what you are going through is OK. It's OK to not want children, it's OK to be afraid of it, and it's OK to wonder if you are making the right decision.

Now in my mid-30s, I'm still happy with my decision, but I do struggle with the annoyance of people pestering me about being childfree. I think it takes a strong person to wait for the right mate who has the same view toward parenthood, and it takes a strong person to stand up against society's expectations that we all procreate.

I am fortunate to be surrounded at work by several childfree colleagues, many of whom are now in their 50s. They are happy, well-adjusted, friendly, socially responsible people who are an asset to their profession and to their communities. My point is that the childfree people I know have rich, fulfilling lives.

I wish you well as you continue to sort through your fears and beliefs.

I am totally in the same boat- struggling with the decision, afraid to do it and afraid not to do it. I am almost 40 and have never felt that urge, but I also wonder if I am just taking the easy way out by not having one, and whether I am going to miss out on what everyone (and their mother) tells me is the most fabulous experience in life, period. I don't like babies, but once kids get to be around 3 or 4 they start getting better and better - I like hearing what they have to say. Anyway my husband is just as much on the fence as I am so that's no help. I have been to a few therapy sessions to try to resolve it, and I have come down to slightly on the NO side of the fence. But then when I hear about a close friend trying to get pregnant I think, maybe I should too - at least I'd have a friend to go through it with. Which I know would be a horrible reason to do it, but still, the thought is there.

Sorry for the rambling post, just though I'd share my similar situation. I guess there are a lot of us out there who are confused, but I just don't happen to know anyone who is so it's a relief to find some of you online.