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why am i obsessed about being CF? #439190 07/29/08 03:16 PM
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swissotter Offline OP
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this is a semi-rant, pls permit me.
I noticed i haven't written for several months. since christmas i have told my parents and in-laws my decision to be CF.
suprisingly they took it very well.
this is the good part.
the rant comes from the fact that i can't escape my friends who are having babies (trying, pregnant, already parents)
I love kids, and i don't mind spending time with my friends who have kids...it's just sometimes, i wonder where all my CF friends are? (i have all of 3 here,in the city i live in and 2 are 20 yrs older than me!) i wish i had more CF friends my age or younger ( i am 33) why am i obsessing that i am different just because i have no kids? i hate that being CF or having kids makes us so different, why is it such an issue? why can't i just see my friends as my friends, regardless of whether they are CF or not? I guess society puts labels on us all, and a woman my age who is CF is something people are curious about... sigh...any advice?
ps. hope i am not coming off as too whiny!


do one thing everyday which scares you ~ eleanor roosevelt
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Re: why am i obsessed about being CF? [Re: swissotter] #439194 07/29/08 03:30 PM
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iandysgrl Offline
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I wish I had advice, but I'm in the same situation! :-) Count yourself lucky though that you have 3 friends though. I have no one at all here in baby/mormonville. By the way, does anyone have a Facebook account? I need to add some friends that talk about stuff other than kids! If so, add me, my e-mail address iandysgrl@yahoo.com

Re: why am i obsessed about being CF? [Re: iandysgrl] #439213 07/29/08 05:04 PM
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MiraKitty Offline
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I don't think it's your fault at all or that you're obsessed...the problem is in how our society works. Parents (generally) will talk about nothing but their kids. It's natural for people to want to be with others who share their interests, if a CF hangs out with a parent who talks about nothing except the latest wall art from junior, the CF will feel alienated and distanced.

I think we also long to have others with similar views because it reaffirms the idea that we're "Normal" (I don't believe there is such a thing as normal--except on a dryer!) But, we still want to be part of the "group" and feel that to be a part we have to behave similarly.

I think we all wish we had more CF friends, but considering how baby-crazy our culture is, it just isn't realistic. I think we all eventually find ways to adapt. I've made friends with mostly single men, who don't care at all that I don't want kids because they don't really want them (at least right now) either. I know, though, that this might, and probably will, change if/when they get married.

I guess I didn't give you much advice...but, just keep in mind you have a team of supporters on this forum!

Re: why am i obsessed about being CF? [Re: MiraKitty] #439364 07/30/08 08:23 AM
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swissotter Offline OP
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dear iandysgrl & mirakitty - thanks for you replies.
iandysgrl, sorry you have no CF friends where you are. I thought I had it bad! good thing we have these forums then...


do one thing everyday which scares you ~ eleanor roosevelt
Re: why am i obsessed about being CF? [Re: swissotter] #439485 07/30/08 04:58 PM
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Shnicky Offline
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I'm in a similar boat and sometimes this forum really keeps me going on those tough days! I do live in a big city, which has the advantage of lots of single people into their thirties (unlike cities less than 300 000 where people seem to get married in their early 20s...my brother lives in a town this size and is CF in his late 30s and finds it a struggle). Even though I'm married, I find singles the most fun to hang out with...99% of the couples I know (married or unmarried) are trying to have kids. I think someone else was saying earlier that their friends were all significantly older...I'd say mine are either in their 20s or in their 50s! I find both age groups are really open minded and can accept CF status with few problems. It's the middle ages that are the worst!

Re: why am i obsessed about being CF? [Re: Shnicky] #440293 08/02/08 02:15 PM
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You guys should consider looking up No Kidding! www.nokidding.net Its a social group for childfree adults and that's where I met so many good friends. You can see if one is in your area or you can start your own group. Local meetup groups also have DINK's (double income no kids) groups for couples. It makes such a difference to have childfree friends!

Re: why am i obsessed about being CF? [Re: K.C.] #440472 08/03/08 01:57 AM
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EmyF Offline
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Swissotter, I understand totally. It is extremely difficult finding childfree friends...seems every set of friends we have are getting married and having kids -- my husband and I end up drifting away from them. I'm a nervous wreck around children and hubby is in the far end of the spectrum (he hates them) that friendships are few. Most people just don't understand.

Sometimes I wonder if we're the "freaks"...but then I stop and realize that we're not. We have a different lifestyle that isn't "the norm". People don't have to understand it but they should at least respect our choice...Is that so hard to ask?

Re: why am i obsessed about being CF? [Re: EmyF] #441164 08/05/08 04:21 PM
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Hmmm, I think it might be a lot to ask that people accept our choice because it has only become a "choice" so recently. We are first generation CF'ers and as awkward as we sometimes feel about it out there, I think others feel just as awkward about it but they're on the other side of the fence. I remember exactly 20 years ago when my sister and her newlywed husband had to actually announce that they weren't having children because of all the "when you have kids" comments. My mother took them out to dinner to tell them exactly what she thought: "You are being selfish." When I announced it 5 years ago, all my mother said was that I didn't have to have kids. Thank you older sister for breaking her in! I wish I didn't feel like a freak and I wish I had more CF friends and friends in general that respected our choice, but I don't. I guess we just have to keep breaking people in like my sister did with my mother... and keep posting here.

Re: why am i obsessed about being CF? [Re: bananagirl] #441174 08/05/08 05:19 PM
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First of all, I don't think it's too much to ask to ask anyone to accept any choice that is highly personal and hurts no one. It's really none of their business, anyway, if you think about it.

Secondly, this isn't that new. Just my own limited CF acquaintances range in age from 25 to 64.

In generations earlier than that, women who didn't want kids sometimes chose not to marry. While the advent of reliable BC changed that landscape drastically, being a willfully single woman was socially frowned upon then, too.

It's never an easy road when you're a pioneer, but we really aren't. We're just more vocal about it, as suits our times.


Happily Living The Childfree Life!
Re: why am i obsessed about being CF? [Re: M.B.] #441505 08/06/08 05:51 PM
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Athena_Marina Offline
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As pleased as I am to be childfree, the only reason I am as vocal about it as I am (which isn't that much offline) is cos I get asked about the kid thing a lot!!
But I do know know what you mean about us having more choices in a way than women of the past!


I leave the child-rearing to people who feel called to it. I've never felt that call.
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