BellaOnline Forums Family Step Parenting Is my new partner bullying my son?

Hi, first time for me. Single parent in France and need a bit of advice pls. Brief histoy: moved to france with 5 month old son and partner. Partner became increasibly violent - mainly alcoholic related. When son was 4, managed to find myself a job in the local creche which gave me just enough money to leave him and move out to a nearby town. Son now 6 and have been with new partner for 1 year - he is also english (divorced). I have had a few issues with my partners treatment of my son in the past - nothing too drastic, just some basic discipline issue. On the whole i have put it down to jealousy as a 6 year old does take up a lot of time and is the most important person in my life. He is constantly accusing me of be too overprotective of my son, to the extent that he will end up a 'mumsy boy'. I feel he expects him to act like a 10 year old when he is only 6. He wants to take an active role in the bringing-up of my son but i have told him to take things easy for the time being and to leave the discipline to me - though should my son should be disresepctful/rude to him he can of course say something back. He feels if he can't have a more active role than this my son won't respect him. The point: Yeaterday my son and i popped round to his to say a quick hello (we live in seperate houses)and he gave my son a glass of juice. My partner has 2 dogs and sometimes when we are round there my son imitates them. Yesterday he decided to drink his juice out of the glass by licking it up like a dog. My partner told him to drink it properly - which was ignored. My partner then got a pan out of the cupboard, tipped my sons juice into it and put it on the floor and told him to go on the floor and drink it like the dogs if that was what he wanted to do (and not in a joking way - though he didn't shout or force him). My son did it straight away as he thought it was fun. I made a joke out of it as I didn't know quite what to do and i didn't want him to think it was something other than fun. When i got home i felt very uncomfortable about the situation. Is this bullying or am i over-reacting?
Many thanx

Your son imitating an animal that is present is NORMAL, I see it all the time in children. Your partner does not live with you so he is not even a step parent to your son, he has no right to take any part in the discipline of your son. He was in the wrong to put the juice in a pan then on the floor, this to a 6 year old is encouraging the behaviour. It is better to ignore the behaviour than to encourage it.

I am so sorry you are experiencing this kind of behavior with your partner. Please be very careful. Your partner is showing signs of aggression that could easily become abuse. I think you handled it marvelously -- your son is young enough not to see the implications. You must continue to make your son your top priority and ensure his safety. Please know that I am worried for you and here if you need to talk.

It sounds like your partner blurs the line between appropriate and inappriate involvement. I'd be wary of him. He may think he should ultimately control you as well as your child.

I've been a step-parent, and, unless one natural parent is dead, I don't see a reason to try to take the place of a natural parent--ESPECIALLY when you're not even a "live-in." Your partner's desire to discipline your son is very inappropriate. Further, it seems odd to me that he would even want to continue the relationship with you, if he is truly convinced that you do not know what you're doing in the discipline arena. After all, disciplining children is one of the major things that parents need to agree upon. Deliberately continuing a relationship that could, possibly, produce children only makes sense when the people in that relationship agree on the basics of discipline.

When I think about it, it's really like your partner is telling you that you do not know what you're doing. He's already trying to undermine your confidence, in my opinion. This could be a first step toward more controlling behavior.

I'm glad to hear you say your son is the number one thing in your life. That's VERY appropriate. You are his main protector in the world while your son is so young. Erring on the side of caution is in your son's best interest. If it means doing without a "significant other" for a while, it's a small price to pay for the security of a child.

I'm sure you've heard that children are at greatest risk of abuse from their mothers' boyfriends/spouses who are unrelated to the children. This makes it extremely important for you to screen out the inappropriate men. I've heard of women who do not even introduce their children to their new love interests until a year with that new person has passed. This tactic could help weed out some abusers. It also has the added benefit of not setting up too many situations where the child gets attached to a new person only to have that person suddenly disappear from the scene later on.

Good luck to you. You sound strong. You have already taken the sometimes difficult steps that lead to your own independence. That independence can go a long way toward protecting your son.

Well, I just noticed that the original post is several months old. Hopefully, by now, this situation has resolved itself in a good way. Hansa, any news?

I am new and just saw your post. I have a son who was just diagnosed with Bipolar last year at age 20. Before then, everyone just though he was a druggie, no good, no respect bad apple. Everyone except for me. As a mother, I know his personality - the real one- and know that he was't a bad apple. I rode the rollar coaster with him for 3 years until he ended up in a psych ward with haullucinations in a full drug induced psychosis.

I regret and feel much guilt for my schemes to apply tough love to help "snap" him out of his rebellion/drug use. At one point, I literally kicked him out and he spent 3 months homeless, begging for money and turning to street gangs for survival. He never thought of coming home or turning to our other family (we are all very close and live in the same city - his grandparents, and two uncles).

My point is, mental illness is nothing to play with. If her behavior is so out of whack from what her personality was as a child. It's time to get help. She may need some medication to give her the clarity to communicate what is going on in her head.

Many times, when someone is mentally ill, they are taken advantage of by so called friends, who recognize these kid's lack of limits and judgement. They are abused by the people they think they can trust. Be careful who she hangs around with.

If she has a diagnosis, apply for SSI for her and with that comes Medicaid (Medi-Cal in CA). There are also usually programs (day programs for teens) through your Behavioral Health Department. Keep her in a structured activity focused on getting her well. Take care.

Be careful. I have a 20 year old. My husband met him when he was 10 and criticized him for many years. My son has ADD, so he could never do anything right. He has just recently been diagnosed with Bipolar. All the stress in the home that his step dad placed on him was awful.

I too, thought my son just needed dicipline and allowed the constant berrating and criticizm. Now I know better. I will never forgive my husband for the way he treated my son all those years. I doubted myself, because as a women, you are not sure what is expected of boys at certain ages, but don't make the same mistake.

If there are no male role models (family) close by, find a friend (with no romantic interst) to be around to help teach your son the man stuff. My husband did not bother with my son and he still suffers today.

I hope you're situation is resolved too. I would put my foot down completely re: partner's discipline. My DH is macho and when my son was that age, he used to say some of the same things (whinny, mamma's boy). I wouldn't have it and NEVER let him discipline just as I would never discipline his kids if the situationw were reversed. When my son grew older they actually developed a very good relationship and now are quite close. DH will back me up if he observes discipline but that's it. Your partner doesn't even live with you if I read your post correctly, and so he has no rights at all except to say you or your son can't come to his house. Otherwise, he's out of it. The dog thing is... well... weird. I'd be creeped out if that happened to me.