BellaOnline Forums Family Step Parenting Is my new partner bullying my son?

I have been a stepmom to my husbands adopted 15 yr old daughter for 2+ yrs. Since the day I met her we have had terrible problems with her stealing her moms drugs and getting high, having unprotected sex with any boy the has any interest. She cuts herself, swings between bulimic and anorexic episodes. Has overdosed and almost killed herself just trying to get high, shoplifts, intentially is mean physically and mentally to our 17mo. old daughter who just loves her! When she gets grounded for something like shoplifting, she will throw things down her bathroom toilet and then continue to deficate it in until it's broken and we have to call the plumber to fix it...this has happened three times, most recently this morning. She starts her period and wipes the blood on her bedroom walls. This is just what I can remember off the top of my head, there's much more and my husband thinks I'm crazy for thinking she has serious mental issues. We have had her in therapy for over two years now, in and out of psychiatric wards(her mother talks her father into taking her out before the drs think she should) and still all of this has happened while seeing at least 3 therapist at once. They have diagnosed her as a "Borderline Personality" which until today I didn't know meant that, she "borderlines" on being schziophrenic.

Please someone tell me this behavior is not normal teenage angst, etc. because that's what my husband and his mother seem to think. And everytime an episode is ignored, the next one is usually worst so that it can not be ignored.

It is tearing our marriage apart, because I am afraid she will hurt our daughter, plus I'm just sick of trying to make my husband see we can not deal with this level illness. We are not equipped to help her. Plus it has bankrupted us literally. Her last stint was a week in ICU, followed by one month in the psych ward and so far it's at $150,000 and still coming in.

Sorry so long, but I need help!!!! I truely love my husband, but where does a stepmother draw the line with helping step children and keeping your own children that are to young to take up for themselves safe????

MBrown

I was really hoping to get some imput from other moms/stepmoms/dads/stepdads or anybody at this point. I'm really surprized not one person has responded to any part of my post. I REALLY need help with this situation because it is about to cause us to divorce.

MBrown, I feel for you, but I don't have any good answers - I did end up divorced in a similar situation (although my ex-husband's refusal to get help for a resurgence of PTSD was probably the main reason.) The only advice I can give you is to talk to your younger child's pediatrician and determine what you need to do to protect her.

Julie

Sweetheart..........your stepdaughter is not mentally ill. She's displaying ALL the classical signs of a child that has been sexually abused. Just google the phrase 'signs of child sexual abuse' and you'll see it. Even if you confront her and ask her outright, she may not admit to it or even actually remember it if it was many years ago. Kids can get wrapped up in behaviors that they don't even know why or where they came from. She needs immediate medical and mental help. Do not wait any longer.

Love,
Deanna

Whatever her problem is it sounds extreme! Sounds like more than teen angst to me. I wouldn't want her around my baby or young child if I had one.

Does she live full time at your house? Could you and your husband try couples/family counseling just to you cope w/the situation?

I hope you're still checking for responses. These things can take a little time, which I know is frustrating.

I'm not a psychiatrist, but I think it's obvious that this girl has issues that "normal" teenagers do not. That's not to say that teenagers don't do many strange things trying to get attention, but the behavior you described has crossed into the realms of the bizarre.

She may or may not have been sexually abused, although there are many victims of this type of abuse who do not defecate in a plugged-up toilet, or smear the walls with her own menses.

I definitely think that your husband and his ex-wife are in denial about how deeply their daughter is troubled, or to the extent of her sickness. Don�t let their denial make you feel like a villain for being the only one who sees the reality of the situation.

Finally, your FIRST AND FOREMOST concern has to be for the safety of your own 17-month old child! If this 15-year-old stepdaughter has already shown aggression toward your toddler, you simply MUST remove the stepdaughter from contact with this baby. If your husband refuses to do that, you may not have any choice but to seek other shelter temporarily. PLEASE don�t continue to jeopardize the safety of this little one any longer! You�re her mother and she�s depending on you to protect her. If your stepdaughter harms her physically or emotionally now (yes, even at 17 months old), it could cause your own child detrimental consequences later in her life.

Have the courage of your convictions and do the right thing. May God be with you as you make these tough choices.

I'm new here and also hope you're still around. Yes, this is far more than teenage angst and attention-getting behavior. You have to primarily protect your baby at all costs. Your stepdaughter needs some heavy-duty help - I would suggest a facility that would house her until her Dr. is confident that she is capable of living outside of it. With her being adopted, you have no idea about her parents and mental illness. Keep your baby and yourself away from this dangerous young woman. Your husband and his ex are certainly in major denial.

Good luck,
Dana

You're in a tight spot, but you must protect your baby AND yourself. Can you look into free or lowcost healthcare for her since you are in a financial bind. Look into your local County agencies. Get your husband into a counseling session QUICK! You may be able to get him to go based on the family's need for counseling so that you can all get along together. But you need to get a professional to say to him that this child is potentially a danger to herself and others. He may "hear" it better from a professional. Pray continuously. Let us know what happens.

Thank you for you post. I'm sorry I'm just now responding. I understand what she has done so far could be signs of sexual abuse, we have researched that long before the Psych Drs. diagnosed her with Borderline Personality Disorder. If you Google BPD's it will give you tons of information that in small or large segments could be classified as other disorders, or abuses. But we have had her therapy for 3 yrs now and drs have made it clear non of them think she has been sexually abused. You would really have to read about BPD to understand that this is why it's difficult to diagnose, because it can look like other abuse issues. Please read my post below for an update on us.

Thanks for your concern, M.

Paula, I have question/favor to ask. I responded to a message in my "My Messages" and forgot that it was not in the regular thread section on the forum section regarding "my stepdaughter may be mentally ill". Is there a way to move that from my messages and repost it at the bottom of the thread so that everyone that was so nice to respond can see the update message I wrote. I tried to copy and paste it and it wouldn't work for me. I would truely appreciate any help with this. And thank you also for your responses too. It really helped me not feel that I was crazy or the villian,

Thanks, M.