BellaOnline Forums Relationships Bereavement How can I "be there" for hubby (grandma may die)

An uncle of my husband's died last year (or was it the year before?) He was very quiet talked about it a little bit and I just listened to those few times he DID talk and gave him lots of hugs. And I could tell he was sad.
His grandma is in a coma and while of course hubby can talk (via messenger, skype etc) to his brother and father), I want to know how I can best be there for him. I am trying to remember what I would have liked when MY grandma passed away and yeah I guess just to be listened to.
I really feel for hubby esp as he has lost an uncle only a year (or two?) ago. And he lost a friend when he was in his early 20s. There is a bit of a langauge barrier - hubby is Egyptian we have been together for 6 years (!) and communicate in English though. Plus although we really click and have some great conversations, he CAN be quiet at times. He seems to be willing to let her go if it comes to it, she is old and frail and he seems to be acknowledging that this may be her time. I HAVE already asked him if there is ANYTHING I can do for him at this time. I even said if he wants to go to Egypt to visit her that's fine. He said no. (But I know that can be futile, they can die when you are on the plane there for e.g. - I was in the same boat with my grandma and mum advised me against a trip home to visit for the same reason.) Any advice would really be appreciated thanks you guys!

My husband's grandfather passed away a few months ago. They were VERY close. It didn't seem to matter much that he had been so sick and his death was no surprise for us. My husband is having a hard time with it. (I have dreaded it for a decade, knowing how close they were and how it would affect him when it finally happened)

The best thing you can do is listen. That's it. Really. If he wants to talk, he has to know that you will be there to hear him, have a shoulder for him to cry on, no judgments.

You can't take away his pain, as bad as you want to. He will have to work through it however he needs to. (That's what my therapist is telling me!!)

I keep telling my husband there is no timeline for grief. He seems to think he "should be" closer to getting over it, "should be" this, "should be" that. There is NO should be. Every death is different, and each person reacts differently.

My husband found some comfort in the publications he received through Hospice. It helped him see that he was "normal." I'm sure your local Hospice would provide resources for him, if he needs them.

Like I said, the biggest thing is to be there for him for whatever that might be. If it is diversion, then plan something fun. If it is relaxing, stay home with a bottle of wine and a movie. If it is talking, let him talk. If it is not talking, then let him not talk too.

Just remember to take care of yourself as you go through this with him too. It will be very stressful for you, so you have to take time out for you. And don't beat yourself up about how you should act. Just be yourself, the person he fell in love with!

Hope that helps!

Kim

"Hope that helps!"

Thank you Kim
That helps LOTS!!!

Athena, I'm proud of you for reaching out, and glad you chose our wonderful community. Kim's advice was excellent. I have a few things to add.

If language is a barrier, give him the English words so he cam talk to you fully. Since our culture avoids talk of death, he is not likely to have picked them up anywhere. You might also avail yourself of the online translation services. Type in English phrases about how one feels at a time like this, and they will be translated into his language. Print it out, and show him when you both have some time. Be sure to include a phrase giving him permission to show emotion.

you made the decision not to go 'home'when your gran was dying. How did you feel about that after? If you regretted it, then encourage your husband to go. It's about saying goodbye, yes. But 90% of it is about family support and bonding. if he doesn't process his feelings with you, he definitely needs to be where he can. keeping that stuff inside is so dangerous, for him AND your relationship.

i would also suggest you read up on his cultural traditions around a death. some can easily be adapted to a family memorial at home.

i also recommend the articles below. have them translated, too, so he gets a full understanding.

your husband is lucky to have such a caring and loving partner. keep in touch and let us know if we can help more. feel free to contact me via the Bereavement Page.

jaci

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