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Joined: Jan 2004
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BellaOnline Editor Highest Posting Power Known to Humanity
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BellaOnline Editor Highest Posting Power Known to Humanity
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 22,934 Likes: 4 |
I imagine just about every one of us can think of a time that someone did something to us and did not apologize for it. For some of us, it was a very serious incident in our past, one that still torments and haunts us in our current life.
Often we can't sleep, we feel very upset, angry, furious. We want them to apologize, to take responsibility for what they've done. We want them to admit they were wrong.
All of that stress and anger and trauma in our bodies only hurts *us*. The person in question doesn't care! It is our bodies worn down by the stress hormones. Our lack of sleep affecting our health. Our high blood pressure damaging our systems. While they might be the "cause" - long ago in our past - we are the one being damaged by our current replaying and replaying of that issue.
This has been an extremely difficult issue for me personally to address. It has taken me a long time to realize that it is for my own health that I need to forgive. It's not about saying "they were right to do what they did". It's about saying "I am going to put it in my past." It's not that I trust that person going forward. But I don't actively feel negatively about the past situation. I put it into a "it's in the past, and it's over" category.
Do you have situations like this in your life? Do you think you can make headway into putting it into your own past, and moving on with your future? Or do you sort of "define" yourself by that pain?
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Joined: Jun 2008
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YES AND IT ALL MAKES SENSE. I JUST HAVEN'T GOTTEN TO THE FORGIVENSS STAGE YET. I KNOW IT ONLY HURTS ME BUT RIGHT NOW I DON'T SEE MY ABILITY TO FORGIVE JUST YET. I KNOW I NEED TO AND I HOPE THAT SOMEDAY I CAN. I ALSO THINK AND FEEL THAT THE PEOPLE INVOLVED THAT I CAN NOT FORGIVE WILL HAVE TO LIVE WITH THEMSELVES AND THAT ATLEAST ONE OF THEM IT WILL PROBALLY KILL THEM IN TIME THRU THE STRESS THEY MUST FACE. THAT IS IF THEY REALLY HAVE FEELING AND A HEART OR JUST PLAIN CONVINCED THEMSELVES THAT THEY COULD NOT HAVE STOPPED A DEATH AND THAT THEY LOOKED THE OTHER WAY SO AS NOT TO BELEIVE WHAT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN. THEY DID NOT UNDERSTAND THAT I KNOW THINGS AND RECIEVE THINGS AND I BEGGED THEM ALL TO HELP ME HELP MY SON OR HIS BLOOD WOULD BE ON THERE HANDS. I REGRET THAT I SENT THAT STATEMENT OUT TO MY OTHER CHILDREN BUT I WAS GRASPING FOR HELP. I DIDN'T GET ANYONE'S HELP AND NICK PAID THE GREATEST PRICE HIS LIFE.
THE ROSE
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Joined: Sep 2006
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Koala
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Koala
Joined: Sep 2006
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What you said about defining yourself by your pain makes sense. I think I used to be this way. I carried around grudges for years and dwelled on this pain. Then I read a book by Wayne Dyer called The 10 Secrets of Success and Inner Peace. One chapter was on forgiving and letting go of the past.
Maybe I was at the point in my life where I'd begun to see that this lack of forgiveness was only hurting ME and also getting in the way of forging better relationships, which in turn brought more happiness into my life.
I've learned to see things differently now and I don't internalize other peoples anger or rudeness. I've learned that things can only affect me if I let them do so.
One quote I heard from the Course in Miracles "At any given moment I am free to choose - and I choose peace."
I think of that a lot in my daily life now.
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Gecko
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Gecko
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A few years back I wrote a lengthy letter to a person that hurt me very deeply in life. The only thing was, I never actually mailed the letter. The person to whom it should have gone to had gone through enough of her own pain in life and I decided she would likely go into her usual victim's role with me. However, the process of writing the letter was overwhelmingly very therapeutic. I even imagined caring responses from her had I decided to actually mail the letter. To this day, I often think I mailed that letter because over the years I have had occasions to trickle little bits of my anguish to her at the appropriate times and she has responded to my pain in loving sorrowful ways. Our relationship is still on the mend, but I'm no longer on the verge of exploding with rage every time I see her or talk about her now. Life is short and you have to decide if you want key people to be in it with you. If you want those people in it with you, you have to work through your issues like a 12-step program, and in a hurry, before aging, illness or death creeps up on you and you feel like a total idiot for wasting so much time for acting like a self-righteous idiot.
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Joined: Jan 2004
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BellaOnline Editor Highest Posting Power Known to Humanity
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BellaOnline Editor Highest Posting Power Known to Humanity
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 22,934 Likes: 4 |
Raven -
I'm so sorry to hear that something so drastic happened in your life. My situation is not nearly as bad as that. I cannot imagine how hurt you feel, and I completely understand that you are not ready to forgive that yet.
One of our editors had a son pass away recently; I imagine if you post in the bereavement forum (under Relationships on the left side) that they would be able to talk with you about the emotions and offer support.
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Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 22,934 Likes: 4
BellaOnline Editor Highest Posting Power Known to Humanity
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BellaOnline Editor Highest Posting Power Known to Humanity
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 22,934 Likes: 4 |
Joan -
You are so very right. As much as others may intrude on your world, you do have the ability to block them out. Yes, it's hard sometimes, but it can be done. It's definitely a good skill to learn! It doesn't seem right that person A's day should be ruined because person B was in a bad mood and happened to say something inappropriate.
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Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 22,934 Likes: 4
BellaOnline Editor Highest Posting Power Known to Humanity
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BellaOnline Editor Highest Posting Power Known to Humanity
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 22,934 Likes: 4 |
Deb - it sounds like you found a wonderful solution that helped a great deal! Writing out your feelings was a frequent tip in the books I've been reading.
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Joined: Jun 2008
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Newbie
Joined: Jun 2008
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imagine just about every one of us can think of a time that someone did something to us and did not apologize for it. For some of us, it was a very serious incident in our past, one that still torments and haunts us in our current life.
Often we can't sleep, we feel very upset, angry, furious. We want them to apologize, to take responsibility for what they've done. We want them to admit they were wrong. Actually such all thing may happen in life , reason may be lots,It will depends upon everyones behavior.Some may feel more stressful but for others it may be more or less very difficult to digest . But thinking about it and getting depressed it better to solve the conditions or otherwise get out of this and forgive them. "Saying All Such Words Are so Simple but actually handing the situation are difficult" But really none other then forgiveness is Great . Thankyou
Last edited by BellaOnline; 07/15/08 05:58 PM.
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Joined: Jul 2008
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Often we can't sleep, we feel very upset, angry, furious. We want them to apologize, to take responsibility for what they've done. We want them to admit they were wrong.
All of that stress and anger and trauma in our bodies only hurts *us*. The person in question doesn't care! It is our bodies worn down by the stress hormones. Our lack of sleep affecting our health. Our high blood pressure damaging our systems. While they might be the "cause" - long ago in our past - we are the one being damaged by our current replaying and replaying of that issue.
This has been an extremely difficult issue for me personally to address. It has taken me a long time to realize that it is for my own health that I need to forgive. It's not about saying "they were right to do what they did". It's about saying "I am going to put it in my past." It's not that I trust that person going forward. But I don't actively feel negatively about the past situation. I put it into a "it's in the past, and it's over" category.
=============================================================================================================
It is very true and well said...
It makes me think hard and more forgiving,
CHANGE NEGATIVE THINKING INTO POSITIVE THINKING!
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Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 6
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Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 6 |
I imagine just about every one of us can think of a time that someone did something to us and did not apologize for it. For some of us, it was a very serious incident in our past, one that still torments and haunts us in our current life.
Often we can't sleep, we feel very upset, angry, furious. We want them to apologize, to take responsibility for what they've done. We want them to admit they were wrong.
All of that stress and anger and trauma in our bodies only hurts *us*. The person in question doesn't care! It is our bodies worn down by the stress hormones. Our lack of sleep affecting our health. Our high blood pressure damaging our systems. While they might be the "cause" - long ago in our past - we are the one being damaged by our current replaying and replaying of that issue.
This has been an extremely difficult issue for me personally to address. It has taken me a long time to realize that it is for my own health that I need to forgive. It's not about saying "they were right to do what they did". It's about saying "I am going to put it in my past." It's not that I trust that person going forward. But I don't actively feel negatively about the past situation. I put it into a "it's in the past, and it's over" category.
Do you have situations like this in your life? Do you think you can make headway into putting it into your own past, and moving on with your future? Or do you sort of "define" yourself by that pain? hello everyone, Thank you for sharing, Lisa, and it is a very important topic. I too have struggled with forgiveness, the effects of stress on my body and overall health. I have found some books help to work through things, but vitamin support is great too.
Last edited by BellaOnline; 07/16/08 03:48 PM.
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