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Re: Do Not Complain for 1 Month
[Re: Lisa LowCarb]
#412708
04/29/08 10:50 AM
04/29/08 10:50 AM
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Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 3,313 Verulamium, England
Alexandra
Zebra
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Zebra
Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 3,313
Verulamium, England
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Well, to confess, this has not been an entirely 100% successful period - but It's been a constructive challenge...! I have found that 10 minutes meditation to put myself into a completely positive frame of mind, first thing in the morning, has done wonders to mould my attituide during the day... last thing at night, I put my earphones in, and fall asleep listening to a positive visualisation CD, and this, I am utterly convinced, has beneficially influenced my subconscious enormously... I used to fall asleep listening to the newsnight report, "Today in Parliament" and the BBC World Service... talking about global problems as opposed to mere domestic ones! I used to wake up in a poor state of mind.... Not any more! I recommend you try it just to test it out for yourselves.... 
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Re: Do Not Complain for 1 Month
[Re: Lisa LowCarb]
#414756
05/04/08 06:07 PM
05/04/08 06:07 PM
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Joined: Feb 2003
Posts: 14,392 Verde Valley, AZ
Jilly
BellaOnline Editor
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BellaOnline Editor
Highest Posting Power Known to Humanity
Joined: Feb 2003
Posts: 14,392
Verde Valley, AZ
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DH and I just spent an hour together talking about this very subject and my efforts to monitor myself. We decided we have a fundamental difference in what we define as complaining.
He sees complaining as something actionable. I really don't understand where he is coming from with this. I just know that he takes all the fun out of venting when he feels like he should be doing something to fix my "complaint."
I told him that if he could adjust his thinking to see my 'default' mode as venting and not complaining, it would help our relationship going forward.
It's still a tough one.
I have decided, at least for myself, apart from the relationship, that I will see myself as complaining if I use negative words, rather than neutral words to describe something.
So, not a complaint: The waiter was unpleasant
Definitely a complaint: That waiter was a jerk!
What do people think?
Last edited by Jilly; 05/04/08 06:08 PM.
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Re: Do Not Complain for 1 Month
[Re: Jilly]
#414775
05/04/08 06:36 PM
05/04/08 06:36 PM
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Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 22,776
Lisa LowCarb
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Posts: 22,776
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I definitely think progress is always good! If you grew up in a household that involved complaining, or developed that habit for any reason, it is SO hard to break it.
Just to give an example, which is NOT related to you but which is about venting in general. I had a friend who would go out to dinner and complain the whole time. To her it was "fun venting". To the rest of us, it was emotionally wearying. We wanted to talk about doing well on projects we were undertaking, to get ideas how to have success with them. To us, to go through rehashes of bad things that had happened was not how we wanted to spend our time.
I'm not sure that it helped her much either - because at the end of the evening she had not made any forward progress. She had spent all that time with us and the net result was only that she had talked negatively for several hours. In comparison, when the rest of us talked without her, we ended the meal with tons of great idea, inspiration, and were fired up for what we could do.
So I think long term that to use venting as your way of dealing with problems is sort of like using anger as a way of dealing with people you dislike. It only hurts you in the long term because it is your time and emotions that are being affected. But I also know that venting is a habit some people learn from their parents - and from years and years of repetition. So it's *really* hard to give that up.
So I would definitely say that if you go from "harsh venting" to "productive venting" that that is a very good thing! That is a huge step and will be hard enough to achieve.
To me, that would be a step towards "productive action" (vs venting). So for example I didn't come home and tell Bob all about the bad dinner we had, and how the waiter was. I mentioned we had one bad dinner, and tons of fun, and left it at that. Then I spent 10 minutes writing a letter to the restaurant, expressing our concern about that waiter. So it's handled, the letter will go out, and I move on to other projects.
That's just my opinion!
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Re: Do Not Complain for 1 Month
[Re: Lisa LowCarb]
#414780
05/04/08 07:01 PM
05/04/08 07:01 PM
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Joined: Feb 2003
Posts: 14,392 Verde Valley, AZ
Jilly
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Joined: Feb 2003
Posts: 14,392
Verde Valley, AZ
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I hear you but am not really ready to respond to it. I guess it depends on who the other person is. Remember, seinfeld? It was all venting. Fun venting. I am a new york girl who grew up with basically Jerry and George everywhere, and it was fun.
Flash forward, not in NY anymore - people who don't have this background are uncomfortable. So i try not to do it around them. I think I have come a long, long way. But that doesn't make fun venting less fun and it doesn't make it "bad", if done around others who are also Seinfeld-like. For example, spending a week with my mother is SUCH a relief and so much fun, because we both know the rules. We laugh and laugh and laugh til we cry because it's fun to make something out of nothing until it reaches the point of ridiculous. It's a strange phenomenon that I realize other people don't get unless they kinda grew up with it.
So while I have to actively patrol myself around my DH and most of humanity, it's so soothing to know I can laugh with my mother or my old NY friends in this Seinfeld manner. We know it means nothing. It's just being creative and silly.
Example: Jill - "Why do all these dog walkers have flower-scented bags for dog poop? I never see these bags in the pet stores."
Mom - "maybe they buy them at the upscale dog poop store. maybe you need to join a club. Where can i get flower scented dog poop bags?"
Jill - "I don't think you are allowed in the upscale dog poop store until you've racked up enough frequent pooper-scooper miles with the Poop Club. You have to use boring, non-scented poop bags until you've proven your master skills in the poop scooping arena."
Cut to laughing.
Another scene, with the DH:
Jill - "Why do all these dog walkers have flower-scented bags for dog poop? I never see these bags in the pet stores."
Dan - "You can probably order them online."
Jill - "maybe you have to be special to get them, like in a club."
Dan - "I am sure they are online, all over the place. Why do you care?"
Jill - "maybe you have to join a pooper scooper club and prove your scooping kung-fu."
Dan - [frustrated] "what is wrong with you, we will order you some scented doggie bags!"
Jill - " I never said I wanted scented doggie bags. I just think they are funny."
Dan - "then what are you complaining about?"
Jill - "I am not complaining; I am just being cute and funny."
Dan - "It sounds like you are complaining and you want me to do something about it."
Jill - "arg! I am just talking!"
Fade to Black.
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Re: Do Not Complain for 1 Month
[Re: Jilly]
#414788
05/04/08 07:32 PM
05/04/08 07:32 PM
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Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 3,053 Memphis, TN
BellaDeb
Zebra
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Zebra
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 3,053
Memphis, TN
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LOL! I love people I can do that stuff with, Jill, and I'm about as Southern as you can get outside of Alabama.
To me, it's being funny. My daughter and I went to the mall yesterday and we do that sort of thing all the time.
Cash register at Penney's. The circular one with four registers, three people checking people out. We get in the shortest line behind the old couple she's checking out.
Short line Cashier to us: The line's over there. We're all pulling from that one line. (pointing to "the line" on the other side with some half-dozen people in it).
Kristen & me look at each other, roll eyes and start walking to "the line". (All our conversation is under our breath, to each other only.)
Kristen: "Oh, I'll just bet you do."
Me to Kristen: "Yep, and when you finish with the old people you can sneak away for a smoke break, Cashier of the Month."
A couple minutes later, party of four stands in front of the register for ages AFTER they are done, just chatting.
Kristen & I look at each other.
Kristen: "Let's move along, people."
Me: No, we're not in any hurry at all. Want a chair? Can we get you something to drink?"
Now, sometimes I even "play" with strangers, like with the Citizen's Arrest thing at the crosswalk in DC. Some play, some don't. It all makes me laugh, and that's my primary job! LOL
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