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Making Choices based on Your Parents' Wishes #412228 04/28/08 06:55 AM
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DolphinLvr Offline OP
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Looking through the past posts, I admit I am very confused. it seems like a lot of posters are very upset because of what their parents want.

Do that many married couples live with their parents? And if not, I am not sure why they allow themselves to get so upset. We are always told by others how we should live our lives. It is our responsibility as adults to lead our lives the way we wish.

If my parents told me to do something, I would certainly listen to their reasons, but the end decision would be my own. If they became abusive, I would treat them the same way I would treat any other abusive person. I would distance myself from that relationship.

Is it that some people have abusive parents and have not build up the strength to do that distancing?

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Re: Making Choices based on Your Parents' Wishes [Re: DolphinLvr] #412250 04/28/08 08:14 AM
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M.B. Offline
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As far as I know, NONE of the people who have discussed parental issues here live with their parents, and only about half of the former MNK regulars are married, despite this forum's name.

The reason the parents' wishes and opinions are disconcerting when they conflict with those posters' wishes and opinions is because the adult offspring would like to maintain a good relationship with their parents despite the disagreement.

With disagreements of expectations on major lifestyle decisions, one has to walk a fine line to remain true to themselves without sacrificing an irreplaceable relationship. Irreplaceable is a key word there. That's why distancing oneself from family (for any reason) is often so difficult.

Most of the cases stated on this forum regarding parental interference were in no way abusive, just very uncomfortable topics of discussion.

My issues with my mother last year did eventually escalate into emotional abuse. I DID distance myself from her. I AM strong enough to do that. But I sacrificed an irreplaceable relationship when I did it. It's not an easy road.

Last edited by myrabeth; 04/28/08 08:15 AM.

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Re: Making Choices based on Your Parents' Wishes [Re: DolphinLvr] #412279 04/28/08 12:33 PM
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Angela P Offline
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Most of the posts people have made with regard to their parents are related to making the decision to remain childfree, which has nothing to do with being abusive nor living with their parents. I never recall many posts where people got "so upset" as opposed to simply frustrated that their parents put so much pressure on them or became a tour guide extraordinaire on the world's biggest guilt trip.

Sometimes, distancing yourself from your family - especially your parents - isn't nearly as easy as distancing yourself from anyone else outside your family.


"Men and women think that it is necessary to have children. It is not. It is their animal nature and social custom, rather than reason, which makes them believe that this is a necessity." --Democritus
Re: Making Choices based on Your Parents' Wishes [Re: Angela P] #412293 04/28/08 01:36 PM
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I think the decision of distancing yourself from your family depends on plenty reasons...

My decision of being CF was only one of many reasons, many disappointments and "fights" I had with my mom!

You have to be very strong to do that, but in my case I wanted to remain true to myself...and it was very hard too, because it is irreversible.

"Sometimes, distancing yourself from your family - especially your parents - isn't nearly as easy as distancing yourself from anyone else outside your family."

Exactly!!!



"Every man is the architect of his own fortune."
Re: Making Choices based on Your Parents' Wishes [Re: *Juliana*] #412303 04/28/08 02:02 PM
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No. I don't think any of the posters who talked about parental pressure lived at home withtheir parents.

Distancing yourself from your family (if you have a good relationship) would be the worst thing a CF person could do. After all, if you are CF, you need to nurture your relationships with family members since you aren't going to have kids and break off into your own little family unit. (Which always bothers me anyway. Because I miss my cousins when they get married and move away.)


"The world might be considerably poorer if the great writers had exchanged their books for children of flesh and blood." ~Virginia Woolfe
Re: Making Choices based on Your Parents' Wishes [Re: CF 4 Ever] #412312 04/28/08 02:11 PM
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*post deleted by author*

Last edited by Angela P; 04/28/08 06:33 PM.
Re: Making Choices based on Your Parents' Wishes [Re: Angela P] #412337 04/28/08 03:04 PM
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Dolphlvr-Thanks for your post and welcome to BellaOnline. The relationship of parents with their children (of any age) seems to be very complex and different with each family.



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Re: Making Choices based on Your Parents' Wishes [Re: *Juliana*] #412402 04/28/08 05:16 PM
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Lisa LowCarb Offline
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Originally Posted By: *Juliana*
You have to be very strong to do that, but in my case I wanted to remain true to myself...and it was very hard too, because it is irreversible.


I'm curious about the irreversible aspect. I am not sure that anything in life is really irreversible (except death I suppose!) People change over time, and a parent who is abusive during one stage may mellow and become much more tolerable in later years.

I know several child free adults who only occasionally talk with their family members. They have plenty of supportive friends who are their "chosen family" who they adore. They do not feel any sense of loss in not talking to their "blood family" more, because they have little in common with those people. If I told them that they had lost an "irreplaceable" relationship by doing that, they would say that any relationship between two people is irreplaceable and unique. A relationship with a mother or father is not any more or less unique, and can be less healthy in your world.

You can be loved just as much - maybe more - by friends who know and appreciate you, vs by parents who just happened to get pregnant with you without choosing your personality or genes or anything else at all.

Or is there a special "quality" to the love of a mother or father that no other adult could provide to you, that makes it important to have even if they do not approve of you or understand you?


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Re: Making Choices based on Your Parents' Wishes [Re: Lisa LowCarb] #412412 04/28/08 05:38 PM
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*Juliana* Offline
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In German we say "Blood is thicker that water" - I don't know if there is a similar phrase in English...

I don't agree with that...love, support and a close relationship doesn't depent on "blood"...

"I know several child free adults who only occasionally talk with their family members. They have plenty of supportive friends who are their "chosen family" who they adore. They do not feel any sense of loss in not talking to their "blood family" more, because they have little in common with those people."

This could be me.
There are people in my life who gave me much more than my mother ever could...

BTW:
It is a irreversible thing...but that's another story.


"Every man is the architect of his own fortune."
Re: Making Choices based on Your Parents' Wishes [Re: *Juliana*] #412417 04/28/08 06:07 PM
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If it is irreversible in your situation then that is a shame - I am a firm believer in always having options and choices, and letting people mature and grow. But I believe for the vast majority of people that making a decision about how you handle a relationship today does not have a permanent effect of how the relationship will be handled in 5 years, or in 10.

Heck, look at all the people who get back together with people they broke up with or divorced!

"There are people in my life who gave me much more than my mother ever could..."

That is *exactly* so so true. That is exactly what I hear from my friends. They honestly treasure another person far more than their blood mother or blood father, and it doesn't bother them at all. They are content having a loving person in their world.

Blood relationships are pure chance. To me that has far less meaning than a chosen relationship where you actively went out and found and worked on being with that person.

I'm not saying a blood relationship *cannot* be that way. But I'm saying it is not *necessarily* that way.

Last edited by Lisa Low Carb Ed; 04/28/08 06:08 PM.

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