logo
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 2 1 2
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 18
D
Newbie
OP Offline
Newbie
D
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 18
Looking through the past posts, I admit I am very confused. it seems like a lot of posters are very upset because of what their parents want.

Do that many married couples live with their parents? And if not, I am not sure why they allow themselves to get so upset. We are always told by others how we should live our lives. It is our responsibility as adults to lead our lives the way we wish.

If my parents told me to do something, I would certainly listen to their reasons, but the end decision would be my own. If they became abusive, I would treat them the same way I would treat any other abusive person. I would distance myself from that relationship.

Is it that some people have abusive parents and have not build up the strength to do that distancing?

Sponsored Post Advertisement
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 998
Parakeet
Offline
Parakeet
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 998
As far as I know, NONE of the people who have discussed parental issues here live with their parents, and only about half of the former MNK regulars are married, despite this forum's name.

The reason the parents' wishes and opinions are disconcerting when they conflict with those posters' wishes and opinions is because the adult offspring would like to maintain a good relationship with their parents despite the disagreement.

With disagreements of expectations on major lifestyle decisions, one has to walk a fine line to remain true to themselves without sacrificing an irreplaceable relationship. Irreplaceable is a key word there. That's why distancing oneself from family (for any reason) is often so difficult.

Most of the cases stated on this forum regarding parental interference were in no way abusive, just very uncomfortable topics of discussion.

My issues with my mother last year did eventually escalate into emotional abuse. I DID distance myself from her. I AM strong enough to do that. But I sacrificed an irreplaceable relationship when I did it. It's not an easy road.

Last edited by myrabeth; 04/28/08 04:15 AM.

Happily Living The Childfree Life!
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 709
Gecko
Offline
Gecko
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 709
Most of the posts people have made with regard to their parents are related to making the decision to remain childfree, which has nothing to do with being abusive nor living with their parents. I never recall many posts where people got "so upset" as opposed to simply frustrated that their parents put so much pressure on them or became a tour guide extraordinaire on the world's biggest guilt trip.

Sometimes, distancing yourself from your family - especially your parents - isn't nearly as easy as distancing yourself from anyone else outside your family.


"Men and women think that it is necessary to have children. It is not. It is their animal nature and social custom, rather than reason, which makes them believe that this is a necessity." --Democritus
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 112
Jellyfish
Offline
Jellyfish
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 112
I think the decision of distancing yourself from your family depends on plenty reasons...

My decision of being CF was only one of many reasons, many disappointments and "fights" I had with my mom!

You have to be very strong to do that, but in my case I wanted to remain true to myself...and it was very hard too, because it is irreversible.

"Sometimes, distancing yourself from your family - especially your parents - isn't nearly as easy as distancing yourself from anyone else outside your family."

Exactly!!!



"Every man is the architect of his own fortune."
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 518
C
Gecko
Offline
Gecko
C
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 518
No. I don't think any of the posters who talked about parental pressure lived at home withtheir parents.

Distancing yourself from your family (if you have a good relationship) would be the worst thing a CF person could do. After all, if you are CF, you need to nurture your relationships with family members since you aren't going to have kids and break off into your own little family unit. (Which always bothers me anyway. Because I miss my cousins when they get married and move away.)


"The world might be considerably poorer if the great writers had exchanged their books for children of flesh and blood." ~Virginia Woolfe
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 709
Gecko
Offline
Gecko
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 709
*post deleted by author*

Last edited by Angela P; 04/28/08 02:33 PM.
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 209
W
Shark
Offline
Shark
W
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 209
Dolphlvr-Thanks for your post and welcome to BellaOnline. The relationship of parents with their children (of any age) seems to be very complex and different with each family.



WestCoastDenise
West Coast Travel Site & Forum



Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 22,934
Likes: 4
BellaOnline Editor
Highest Posting Power Known to Humanity
Offline
BellaOnline Editor
Highest Posting Power Known to Humanity
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 22,934
Likes: 4
Originally Posted By: *Juliana*
You have to be very strong to do that, but in my case I wanted to remain true to myself...and it was very hard too, because it is irreversible.


I'm curious about the irreversible aspect. I am not sure that anything in life is really irreversible (except death I suppose!) People change over time, and a parent who is abusive during one stage may mellow and become much more tolerable in later years.

I know several child free adults who only occasionally talk with their family members. They have plenty of supportive friends who are their "chosen family" who they adore. They do not feel any sense of loss in not talking to their "blood family" more, because they have little in common with those people. If I told them that they had lost an "irreplaceable" relationship by doing that, they would say that any relationship between two people is irreplaceable and unique. A relationship with a mother or father is not any more or less unique, and can be less healthy in your world.

You can be loved just as much - maybe more - by friends who know and appreciate you, vs by parents who just happened to get pregnant with you without choosing your personality or genes or anything else at all.

Or is there a special "quality" to the love of a mother or father that no other adult could provide to you, that makes it important to have even if they do not approve of you or understand you?


Lisa Shea, Low Carb and Video Games Editor
Low Carb Forum
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 112
Jellyfish
Offline
Jellyfish
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 112
In German we say "Blood is thicker that water" - I don't know if there is a similar phrase in English...

I don't agree with that...love, support and a close relationship doesn't depent on "blood"...

"I know several child free adults who only occasionally talk with their family members. They have plenty of supportive friends who are their "chosen family" who they adore. They do not feel any sense of loss in not talking to their "blood family" more, because they have little in common with those people."

This could be me.
There are people in my life who gave me much more than my mother ever could...

BTW:
It is a irreversible thing...but that's another story.


"Every man is the architect of his own fortune."
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 22,934
Likes: 4
BellaOnline Editor
Highest Posting Power Known to Humanity
Offline
BellaOnline Editor
Highest Posting Power Known to Humanity
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 22,934
Likes: 4
If it is irreversible in your situation then that is a shame - I am a firm believer in always having options and choices, and letting people mature and grow. But I believe for the vast majority of people that making a decision about how you handle a relationship today does not have a permanent effect of how the relationship will be handled in 5 years, or in 10.

Heck, look at all the people who get back together with people they broke up with or divorced!

"There are people in my life who gave me much more than my mother ever could..."

That is *exactly* so so true. That is exactly what I hear from my friends. They honestly treasure another person far more than their blood mother or blood father, and it doesn't bother them at all. They are content having a loving person in their world.

Blood relationships are pure chance. To me that has far less meaning than a chosen relationship where you actively went out and found and worked on being with that person.

I'm not saying a blood relationship *cannot* be that way. But I'm saying it is not *necessarily* that way.

Last edited by Lisa Low Carb Ed; 04/28/08 02:08 PM.

Lisa Shea, Low Carb and Video Games Editor
Low Carb Forum
Page 1 of 2 1 2

Link Copied to Clipboard
Brand New Posts
Make It Sew Easier
by Cheryl - Sewing Editor - 03/27/24 04:34 PM
2024 - on this day in the past ...
by Mona - Astronomy - 03/27/24 01:31 PM
Planner Template Kit - Weekly Layout Template
by Digital Art and Animation - 03/26/24 07:39 PM
Planner Template Kit - Yearly Layout Template
by Digital Art and Animation - 03/26/24 07:37 PM
How to Use Digital Planner Template Kit
by Digital Art and Animation - 03/26/24 07:36 PM
Review - 20 Illustrator Color tips Helen Bradley
by Digital Art and Animation - 03/26/24 07:32 PM
March Equinox to June Solstice
by Mona - Astronomy - 03/26/24 12:27 PM
Hobotrader unleashes never seen opportunity with i
by Jamal molla - 03/26/24 11:55 AM
Psalm for the day
by Angie - 03/25/24 09:05 AM
Genealogy, Sort of
by Angie - 03/24/24 05:39 PM
Sponsor
Safety
We take forum safety very seriously here at BellaOnline. Please be sure to read through our Forum Guidelines. Let us know if you have any questions or comments!
Privacy
This forum uses cookies to ensure smooth navigation from page to page of a thread. If you choose to register and provide your email, that email is solely used to get your password to you and updates on any topics you choose to watch. Nothing else. Ask with any questions!


| About BellaOnline | Privacy Policy | Advertising | Become an Editor |
Website copyright © 2022 Minerva WebWorks LLC. All rights reserved.


Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5