BellaOnline Forums Religion and Spirituality Buddhism Do Not Complain for 1 Month

Well, to confess, this has not been an entirely 100% successful period - but It's been a constructive challenge...!
I have found that 10 minutes meditation to put myself into a completely positive frame of mind, first thing in the morning, has done wonders to mould my attituide during the day...
last thing at night, I put my earphones in, and fall asleep listening to a positive visualisation CD, and this, I am utterly convinced, has beneficially influenced my subconscious enormously...
I used to fall asleep listening to the newsnight report, "Today in Parliament" and the BBC World Service... talking about global problems as opposed to mere domestic ones! I used to wake up in a poor state of mind....
Not any more!

I recommend you try it just to test it out for yourselves....

You guys sound like you solved your restaurant issue positively. I agree with you.

I think it is not a rant if one leaves the emotions out of the problem. If problems arise, say yes, this is a problem, how can it be solved, and move toward the selected solution. Now I'm not saying I'm great at this, but working on it. An old cowboy friend of mine is great at doing this and I learn by watching him.

Ok, breathing deep, clearing the air and starting this moment, I'm starting my month of no complaining again. This is just like dieting, a day (or minute) at a time.

Well, I managed to "just complain" today. I think it was some news article I read about someone doing something REALLY inane. And I turned to Bob and said something like "How in the world could she have done that? That has got to be the stupidest thing I've ever heard of ..." and as the words were coming out of my mouth I knew it was just a wild complaint / rant but it was too late. He looked at me and picked up on it right away.

I'll start again with tomorrow as day 1!

But in general I definitely think it has made me happier, to be more aware of what I'm saying and to think more about the words I use.

OK we're at the 4th and I *think* I've been good. Now, I did write a letter in to the restaurant we ate in DC where the server did a poor job. But I wrote it to let them know we had problems that they should probably fix if they want to have happy customers. I don't see that as a complaint. I see it as constructive feedback so they can improve. As "teachers" in this world, we often need to give constructive feedback so people can get better.

DH and I just spent an hour together talking about this very subject and my efforts to monitor myself. We decided we have a fundamental difference in what we define as complaining.

He sees complaining as something actionable. I really don't understand where he is coming from with this. I just know that he takes all the fun out of venting when he feels like he should be doing something to fix my "complaint."

I told him that if he could adjust his thinking to see my 'default' mode as venting and not complaining, it would help our relationship going forward.

It's still a tough one.

I have decided, at least for myself, apart from the relationship, that I will see myself as complaining if I use negative words, rather than neutral words to describe something.

So, not a complaint:
The waiter was unpleasant

Definitely a complaint:
That waiter was a jerk!

What do people think?

I definitely think progress is always good! If you grew up in a household that involved complaining, or developed that habit for any reason, it is SO hard to break it.

Just to give an example, which is NOT related to you but which is about venting in general. I had a friend who would go out to dinner and complain the whole time. To her it was "fun venting". To the rest of us, it was emotionally wearying. We wanted to talk about doing well on projects we were undertaking, to get ideas how to have success with them. To us, to go through rehashes of bad things that had happened was not how we wanted to spend our time.

I'm not sure that it helped her much either - because at the end of the evening she had not made any forward progress. She had spent all that time with us and the net result was only that she had talked negatively for several hours. In comparison, when the rest of us talked without her, we ended the meal with tons of great idea, inspiration, and were fired up for what we could do.

So I think long term that to use venting as your way of dealing with problems is sort of like using anger as a way of dealing with people you dislike. It only hurts you in the long term because it is your time and emotions that are being affected. But I also know that venting is a habit some people learn from their parents - and from years and years of repetition. So it's *really* hard to give that up.

So I would definitely say that if you go from "harsh venting" to "productive venting" that that is a very good thing! That is a huge step and will be hard enough to achieve.

To me, that would be a step towards "productive action" (vs venting). So for example I didn't come home and tell Bob all about the bad dinner we had, and how the waiter was. I mentioned we had one bad dinner, and tons of fun, and left it at that. Then I spent 10 minutes writing a letter to the restaurant, expressing our concern about that waiter. So it's handled, the letter will go out, and I move on to other projects.

That's just my opinion!

I hear you but am not really ready to respond to it. I guess it depends on who the other person is. Remember, seinfeld? It was all venting. Fun venting. I am a new york girl who grew up with basically Jerry and George everywhere, and it was fun.

Flash forward, not in NY anymore - people who don't have this background are uncomfortable. So i try not to do it around them. I think I have come a long, long way. But that doesn't make fun venting less fun and it doesn't make it "bad", if done around others who are also Seinfeld-like. For example, spending a week with my mother is SUCH a relief and so much fun, because we both know the rules. We laugh and laugh and laugh til we cry because it's fun to make something out of nothing until it reaches the point of ridiculous. It's a strange phenomenon that I realize other people don't get unless they kinda grew up with it.

So while I have to actively patrol myself around my DH and most of humanity, it's so soothing to know I can laugh with my mother or my old NY friends in this Seinfeld manner. We know it means nothing. It's just being creative and silly.

Example:
Jill - "Why do all these dog walkers have flower-scented bags for dog poop? I never see these bags in the pet stores."

Mom - "maybe they buy them at the upscale dog poop store. maybe you need to join a club. Where can i get flower scented dog poop bags?"

Jill - "I don't think you are allowed in the upscale dog poop store until you've racked up enough frequent pooper-scooper miles with the Poop Club. You have to use boring, non-scented poop bags until you've proven your master skills in the poop scooping arena."

Cut to laughing.

Another scene, with the DH:

Jill - "Why do all these dog walkers have flower-scented bags for dog poop? I never see these bags in the pet stores."

Dan - "You can probably order them online."

Jill - "maybe you have to be special to get them, like in a club."

Dan - "I am sure they are online, all over the place. Why do you care?"

Jill - "maybe you have to join a pooper scooper club and prove your scooping kung-fu."

Dan - [frustrated] "what is wrong with you, we will order you some scented doggie bags!"

Jill - " I never said I wanted scented doggie bags. I just think they are funny."

Dan - "then what are you complaining about?"

Jill - "I am not complaining; I am just being cute and funny."

Dan - "It sounds like you are complaining and you want me to do something about it."

Jill - "arg! I am just talking!"

Fade to Black.

LOL! I love people I can do that stuff with, Jill, and I'm about as Southern as you can get outside of Alabama.

To me, it's being funny. My daughter and I went to the mall yesterday and we do that sort of thing all the time.

Cash register at Penney's. The circular one with four registers, three people checking people out.
We get in the shortest line behind the old couple she's checking out.

Short line Cashier to us: The line's over there. We're all pulling from that one line. (pointing to "the line" on the other side with some half-dozen people in it).

Kristen & me look at each other, roll eyes and start walking to "the line". (All our conversation is under our breath, to each other only.)

Kristen: "Oh, I'll just bet you do."

Me to Kristen: "Yep, and when you finish with the old people you can sneak away for a smoke break, Cashier of the Month."

A couple minutes later, party of four stands in front of the register for ages AFTER they are done, just chatting.

Kristen & I look at each other.

Kristen: "Let's move along, people."

Me: No, we're not in any hurry at all. Want a chair? Can we get you something to drink?"

Now, sometimes I even "play" with strangers, like with the Citizen's Arrest thing at the crosswalk in DC. Some play, some don't. It all makes me laugh, and that's my primary job! LOL

And, I happen to know the Scented Poop Scooper Bag Club membership is by invitation only. Very elite. You have to know someone and get the secret password from them.

I KNEW it! But do i have to do the secret handshake? I don't want them to rub flower-scented poop on me.

heeheehee