BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Possible change in status

Myrabeth, I feel for you!

I think you have read my prior posts, so I'm sure you can figure out what my advice would be. Normally, I would say run as fast as your legs can carry you. However, I can tell that advice would not work for you. My husband's kids do not live with us, and to the best of my knowledge, there is no impending reason that would ever come up. If I had this situation to do over, he would not be my husband, nor would he be my boyfriend or fiance. I wouldn't even remember that he existed by now. I know that sounds cold, but that's how much I hate my life with kids around, and it only happens every other weekend. If the cancer thing happened to their egg donor, my husband would be out the door before her first chemo treatment. He's already halfway there as it is.

I can tell that you really love your fiance, but I fear that you will end up resenting him more than you can imagine, if he changes your life with this invasion. At least that's my take on it.

I wish you luck, and hope everything works itself out for the best, for everyone involved.

Flashback to when the kid's parents were still living together:
The grandmother was the child's caretaker while her parents were at work. GM has no job, nor a wish for one. She lived with them and her disability checks (bad back, as lame as that is). She was at all times lazy, rude to my now-fiance and very TV-oriented. The little girl has a scar on her arm from playing around a hot stove unattended while her GM was supposed to be watching her, but was focused on the TV instead. There was also an incident during the GM daycare hours of the girl's toddlerhood involving the tot digging through the bathroom trash and coming up with a disposable razor. She was in the living room, with her TV-zoned GM, playing with it when her dad came home from work.

He sees the GM through this lens. One of neglect and apathy. I understand this, but I also see other things. I see that since the girl started school, GM has changed her attitude toward her greatly. When the girl is coming for a visit, we meet at a halfway point between the two homes. Usually, the mother is the delivery person. Conversation consists of the mom whining about her money woes (which is just rude considering she is getting a full third of his income every month!). When the grandmother delivers the girl, she talks a lot about what the kid's been doing in school, her newest favorite toy, and throws us little details of recent events in the child's life.

And the GM talks to me, telling me about the latest math or spelling test while my fiance is moving items from one car to the other. The mom acts like I don't exist. (My thought: WTF? You leave him and treat ME like dirt for getting him? And how many years are you going to be bitchy/bitter about me taking up your leavings?) Overall, I like the GM a lot more than the mom, but I think convincing him to let GM remain an active part in the kid's life might take a little finesse. I can do that, though. I imagine it wouldn't take too much talking to convince him it's better for his daughter, but I definitely think I would have to push a little to make it happen.

Myrabeth,

I can easily see how terrifying, frustrating, and [insert just about any negative emotion in here] this is for you, but being on the outside looking in and having been a full-time stepmom myself in a previous life, I see a couple of silver linings I hope you don't mind me sharing/suggesting:

1. You have, so far, an excellent attitude about this possible impending change, as I reposted your words above. No one will fault you for ranting, or being scared, or being honest. I doubt anyone in this forum would, upon hearing they may gain full custody, immediately throw themselves into Maria Von Trapp mode and start singing songs and making playclothes from curtains in preparation for receiving custody. No way. But you seem to have assessed what's important in your relationship, you've already expressed compassion for the child and what she must be experiencing, and you've already grabbed a hold of hope that you can provide a good, stable home. What will be essential is the relationship with your fiance.

2. You already have support from a couple of GREAT angles: 1) This forum, and 2) your journaling. You always analyze your thoughts through blogging and posting and writing for yourself, which is so incredibly healthy, giving release to your thoughts and feelings; so many people go nuts inside themselves, bottling things up. Your continued writing will help maintain your own balance and foundation, which will also be essential for you.

3. You're a level-headed, intelligent, realistic person who seems to weigh situations from all sides. If only more parents were like you. Though you may be scared and freaked out right now at the thought of how life could change, I would never worry about you or your parenting abilities, which are at this point hidden but ready to emerge if need be.

4. Always remember that your fears (since we tend to fear the worst, which is natural) are almost always worse than reality. I will love to hear, if this situation comes to fruition, that in 6 months or a year after her arrival, you post things like, "Huh! Not so bad, she's actually a great little helper!" and "This isn't near as bad as I thought it would be..."

I think I would set all the adults down and have a big talk! if the mom is that sick and there is a chance that she will died. then the girl needs to get to know her dad and you better before her mom goes and she is just dumped on you! you need to get to know her better! I would bet that the grandma is thinking the little girl will stay with her or that is what she is hoping for anyways....

You have to talk to them! I bet the little girl would rather stay with grandma!
I lost my father when I was 5 and I would have hated any man that I even thought was going to take his place! she would be better off with grandma because grandma is still going to be grandma! just my 2 cents.

The short version of the rampant babbling of the last couple of hours is that I love this man, and like his daughter, but I'm just scared of the change that could take place. I know it will be extremely tough, but I wouldn't abandon either of them. The thought of changing my life to this degree, for a decade or more, just leaves me with a feeling of overwhelming dread, fear of the unknown, I suppose. Though I think I know well enough what it is I have to fear.

Thank you, Angela.

Wow Myrabeth. That is huge news, and I can understand why you feel the way you do. I don't really have any great advice beyond what's been already said. Just wanted to send hugs your way. Good luck, and let us know how it goes.

Okay, well, here a couple thoughts...at 9, hopefully the childrearing duties will be decreasing a lot over the next few years, and she'll be more self-supervising. Once she's a teen she won't be so needy of parents, and more into friends, so things would change a lot (if it all comes to be). She's very close to being able to be home alone, things like that. I don't know if you'd ever move if it happened for more space, but if you did, maybe you could find a living place that has a private place you can retreat to when you need alone time. Also, maybe part of the deal (if it comes to be) could be a housecleaner so all the housework involved doesn't fall on you.

Maybe those are all unrealistic...I don't know. I guess partly I'm looking back on my own childhood too, where my parents were divorced. When I was about that age, my mom had a serious relationship with a guy who had 2 boys around my age. My mom eventually (after several years) broke off the relationship. I think she really loved the guy (and we certainly did), but she didn't want to have to deal with 2 extra boys on top of me and my brother. They were pretty rowdy, and we were probably a handful all together. But we had so much fun, and I think we entertained ourselves really well without her help by that point.

I could REALLY understand how she felt, but guess what? She regrets it now. If she had gone for it, she would still have a man who loves her still, and is grateful for the support she gave him while his kids were still kids. I know for a few years it might have been irritating and challenging, but in retrospect it was not much longer before all the kids were busy with their friends, driving themselves, and off to college. If she had JUST stuck it out, she would have had 20 years now of an empty nest, and she'd still have a wonderful man.

She complains to me now that she wishes she had had more kids, because she's jealous of her friends with grandkids, and lonely and bored...if she had stuck it out she'd have had a chance for step grandkids. Guess she didn't consider that at the time though.

First, much sympathy, as that is not an ideal situation for anyone!

I wouldn't borrow trouble too much yet -- you don't seem to have a lot of details, and don't know if grandma will want a lot more time with the little girl or what.

However, as frieda7 said, a 9 yo is not an infant, or toddler, or... and, speaking as a mother of a 16 yo, they are more independent each year. At 9, I loved having my son have a friend over -- because at that age, they don't need the constant watching that younger children need (if they are fighting and need mediation all the time, they probably shouldn't be getting together!), and I got a break then to focus on other things.

And eventually -- it probably differs from kid to kid -- they get to a point where, although they are technically children/teens, they are really more or less adults, and you can have actual adult conversation with them. That part is something people don't often think of, when they think of a teen, but at that stage, it is healthier for them to be viewed as more adult.

Best of luck, whatever happens with your fiance's daughter and ex.

Oi.

This is my greatest fear, and the #1 reason why I don't want to hook up with a guy with a kid. Hugs for you, Myrabeth. This is a really tough call, not just for the huge disruption to your lives, but for hers as well. Dealing with an illness like cancer is going to be wrenching for everyone.

When I think about myself being in your shoes, I have the exact same feelings you do. I'd feel like I was mourning my life already - I'd be scared, worried, feeling trapped, and railing at the unfairness of it all.

There are positives - she knows and respects you already, and it's not like she's an infant and you have twenty years of raising her ahead of you. You and your DH already have the rules of the game in place, pretty well. There's no reason why that can't continue to be the case, if you can all talk openly and honestly.

I guess it's true that you never know what you can achieve until you give it a shot. While it's not a situation you'd ask for, it might yet turn out OK. There was a line in "Baby Proof" that I really liked - something about there is no point in worrying about the thing that scares you the most, because if it happens, then you just feel all the more cheated. You can only take one day at a time, and trust yourself to roll with the punches.

Wow. I can't even begin to imagine how you feel right now.

Hi Myrabeth,

I'm so sorry for the situation: for you, the girl, your fiance, the mom, the grandmother. It is and will be hard for everyone all around.

A similar thing (almost but not quite) happened with my family. My parents both passed away young (both age 50, both cancer). My brother was 13 when my dad died and 15 when my mom died. To make a long story short, my uncle (my brother's godfather and my mom's brother) refused to take my brother in when things looked grim. I was too young to take him in (19 when we had this conversation, 24 when both parents died) and my parents didn't want that.

My father's best friend ("J") and his wife ("M") volunteered to raise him and he spent 3 difficult years with them. I don't know what conversations his guardian's had before they volunteered or how much "M" was for this, but I know that my brother and "M" locked horns more often than not. I don't know if it was that he resented her in "mom" role, his age, the loss, or all of the above. I think it was much harder on "M" than on "J" to have him living with them. (Side note: They had one boy who had just left for college when my brother moved in.)

I know my brother did some individual counseling, but I don't know if they did family counseling. I would highly recommend looking into that now (family and/or individual counseling), if you can afford it. That little girl is going to need a lot of support losing her mom at a tender age. It might also help you find your role (friend, surrogate mom, mentor) and the best way to deal with it before things get to crisis levels.

Keep in mind that thought she may be getting more independent, from what my friends tell me teens need more emotional support and availability than younger kids. The mistakes they can make at that age have much higher consequences.

Again, my sympathies go out to everyone. If it were me, I would turn to professionals (family therapists, grief counselors, hospice) to prepare for what's to come.

Hang in there!