BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Possible change in status

I know I've been posting less lately, but I've still been here, lurking, thinking up responses, and not typing them. I've got something lingering in the back of my head that is brought to the fore with every post I read.

There is a possibility (though not a strong one, as yet) this may not be a CF home much longer. No, I'm not pregnant. But my fiance's ex-gf, mother and custodial parent of his daughter, is sick. Cancer. She's reluctant to share details with us, but we surmise it's pretty bad. She was very recently diagnosed and is already out of work and on disability. If that woman kicks it, I'll suddenly have a full time, grieving, confused, grade schooler in the house.

The thought leaves me reeling. My fiance's daughter is a good kid, smart, mostly quiet and polite, overall one of the more tolerable kids of my acquaintance. But the possibility of living with her full time makes me want to scream in rebellion.

Knowing I'd be the one to make the work sacrifices related to her care (my work schedule is inherently more flexible and predictable, and his paycheck is by far the bigger), and the overall impact of a constant kid presence would be far heavier on and more foreign to my life/mind than his, pales the looming mental image of all that extra work at home. I know that last sentence didn't make much sense, but you can see I'm just kind of ranting here.

Oh, in case anyone is wondering/doesn't already know: The girl will be 9 in the fall, and lives with not only her mother, but grandmother, too, so there is someone around to keep an eye on her while her mom is "under the weather."

myrabeth,

i can imagine your fear and distress as you anticipate being thrust into this complicated and emotionally-charged situation. it's going to be crucial that you are honest--with yourself and your fiance' about your feelings.

There's one large problem with you being the primary caretaker of that girl, and that is you aren't her parent, and she's by far old enough to know it. Her father is going to HAVE to be the primary disciplinarian and caregiver, because there's no way she'll heed you especially since as a woman, you'd be the interloper, taking her mother's position.
In any case, I'm sad to hear her mother is ill, and I hope she manages to fight it off.

Myrabeth,

I'd be freaking out too, if there were a possibility a child were coming to live with us. Thank goodness my husband never fathered any children prior to meeting me (and won't anytime in the future, at least not with me!) I feel for you...

Is there any chance her grandmother would want to raise her, since she lives with her already, or at least share custody, if the worst happens to her mother? I know that often happens when a mother dies, if the grandparents are available, and the father isn't able to take over care of the children. What would your fiance do if you weren't in the picture, and he had to take full care of his daughter, since his job isn't very flexible? I guess he'd have to arrange something.

Again, I feel for you...keep us posted.

Cindy

Wow, all I can think is that you and the child will have something in common- she will be hostile that you ARE NOT MY MOTHER!!! and you will be thinking the same thing on the inside. You might end up forming a good friendship and your finace is going to have to really step up. Any chance her grandmother will still be available for support?

Is it out of the question that you would not be part of the picture if this does happen?

it's going to be crucial that you are honest--with yourself and your fiance' about your feelings.

If that annoying woman's health declines further, we're going to have to start making some big plans for dealing with the possible outcome. We've already started some basic discussions about it, mostly regarding finances (short and long term) and housing/location. These have been rather simple, "dealing with the easy issues first" kinds of conversations. When I hooked up with this guy, I accepted the implied risk of ending up living with his kid. But I've never talked to him about how that (now looming) possibility makes me feel. I'm hesitant. I don't know how to say that this scares the $h!t out of me without causing problems. I know he'd like to have his daughter around everyday to tend to and hang out with, and I think he knows it would be a bit much for me, but we haven't talked about that. He knows me and my limits, and I really think I should accept that as enough to get us by until the conversation occurs on its own. In other words, I don't want to be the one who brings it up for fear he'll see my worry as a rejection. He's pretty high-strung and sensitive about family, particularly his little girl, though he isn't like that about anything else.

There's one large problem with you being the primary caretaker of that girl, and that is you aren't her parent, and she's by far old enough to know it. Her father is going to HAVE to be the primary disciplinarian and caregiver, because there's no way she'll heed you especially since as a woman, you'd be the interloper, taking her mother's position.
In any case, I'm sad to hear her mother is ill, and I hope she manages to fight it off.

Honestly, I'm not too worried about discipline issues. She's known me since her toddler-hood. By now, she may never remember a time I wasn't in her life and with her dad. We have a pretty good rapport, and she respects me. Keep in mind, the girl is being raised primarily by two women. She often listens to me better than she listens to her own dad, simply because she's accustomed to obeying females. I would expect some minor discipline issues regarding me being "just the step" when she first moved in, and a nightmare round or two during the teen years, but I honestly think she and I would fare well overall on the day to day stuff. If she hadn't known me for most of her life, I'd be much more worried about that aspect of it.

Is there any chance her grandmother would want to raise her, since she lives with her already, or at least share custody, if the worst happens to her mother? I know that often happens when a mother dies, if the grandparents are available, and the father isn't able to take over care of the children. What would your fiance do if you weren't in the picture, and he had to take full care of his daughter, since his job isn't very flexible? I guess he'd have to arrange something.

He doesn't like the grandmother at all. I would probably have to talk him into allowing frequent grandmother time if all this came to pass. She wouldn't pursue custody, I'm sure. If he didn't have a partner, he'd move to live close to his parents. That's what he was planning on doing years ago. But, as is usual, the girl's mother got custody rights based on gender alone, and he had to stay local just so he could see his kid once in a while.

Thanks for your concern and thoughtful responses, everyone.

Myrabeth - I am so sorry to hear the news about the little girl's mother and the possibility of you having to take care of this child. My husband has children from a previous marriage, and just the thought of having to raise his kids scares me and makes my heart jump (in a bad way). They are good kids and we get along great, but I am just not into RAISING kids. My husband knows this as I had a clear-cut conversation with him before we got married. I don't mind them visiting, but I can't imagine them living with us. Thankfully, they have a good mom (and dad is wonderful, too), so they are indeed in good hands. Having kids visit vs living with you is an entirely different story. I hope the child's mom will recover from this cruel illness and be able to be around for her child's sake (and yours!). I will be thinking about you!!!!! Please keep us updated. Loretta

Is it out of the question that you would not be part of the picture if this does happen?

I responded to comments similar to most of yours, pinkbows, in my last post (we were typing at the same time), but I didn't specifically cover this. The answer is yes, it is out of the question. I would not leave.

I never planned on hooking up with a guy with a kid, as I've said many times before, but I did. And I accepted that to some extent, I'd be involved with the child for the rest of my life if I stayed with him. I never thought this would happen, but I knew there was a chance. We're half a decade past my option to leave, emotionally. I got a guy with person-shaped baggage, and by becoming a long term part of his life, I silently agreed to help him carry it. He's the right partner for me. I have no doubt. So I stay.

I also have a strong wish to make life better for his kid. Her mom and grandmother provide parenting that is weak at best. I want her to have a better life, but I fear I don't have the strength to make it happen myself, day in and day out.

Her dad is a good one, hands-on and engaged, easy-going, yet consistent about rules. I rely on his instinctive kid-friendly-ness to guide me with her in regards to communication on her level, but I've had plenty of experience managing people and projects. I'm a natural manager, but not a natural parent. If he can help me smooth my rough edges around her, and continuously provide me the downtime I have always needed during her visits, the two of us probably could make her life better in the short and long terms. But, as with any project that is obviously far beyond one's experience, I shirk from taking it on, terrified, overwhelmed, and afraid I won't be able to be ME for the next decade, or won't recognize myself when it's over. But I'll try anyway.

Ok, at this point, I'm just babbling. Sorry, everyone. I've been stewing in these thoughts for a couple of weeks and now that I've started talking about it, it's all coming out at once, in no logical order.

Myrabeth,

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. It's so awful. I've always known that if anything happened to my husband's brother & his wife, their boys would have been ours to raise. (We're Godparents to one of them, and there were no other suitable couples who could have taken them when they were small.) Of course, you never think it will happen to you and this news is truly awful in so many ways for all of you!

I'm feeling for both you and the little girl--the whole sitation is terrible--but my feeling for what the child is going through are really strong right now. I'm that little girl, raised by her mother and her grandmother, and I can't help but go back to the way I'd be feeling to lose my mother at 9. I'd be devistated. And to go live with my father? I can't even imagine. (I had very little contact with mine, though.)

Please tell your fiance that it will completely destroy that child to take her grandmother from her. It doesn't matter if he likes the woman or not, the child loves her and she is the child's grandma.

Does Grandma work? Can the child be dropped off at GRandma's before school (on someone's way to work) and Grandma can keep her until one of you picks her up at night? Can Grandma have custody m-f and you two take her on weekends? Is there a plausable way to share custody? With the limited amount of information I have, I really think this would be best for both the little girl and the two of you.

(((((((((((((((Myrabeth)))))))))))))

And not only that, but your husband will also have to facilitate the entire transition, if it comes down to it. Since you are not the mother, it will be hard on you but even harder on the little girl.

Either way, best of luck and hope all works out!