BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids I'd like to smack some sense into my friend, but..

I guess I'll just vent here instead! I have a friend who I was really close with for years, and about 3 years into her marriage she was getting serious pressure from her DH to have a baby. She told me once that secretly she never wanted kids but couldn't tell him b/c the relationship would be over, and also it was her 'catholic duty' to procreate. Well, last year she finally gave in and had a baby, after which she told me I should have one too so I could be a better person (uh, no thanks!).

Anyway, forward to now. I was telling her that my DH was going to be out of town on a work trip. I knew better than to ask if she wanted to get together since that's been impossible anyway since the baby came. But she says out of the blue "Oh I'd so love to come over for a girls weekend but I know that won't happen since DH is not keen on playing daddy daycare. He won't even watch him alone for a few hours".

WHAT?!!! The guy who put all that pressure on her to have a kid won't even take care of him alone for a few hours? I don't get that. I'm not going to say anything to her but I really think it's BS that she is allowing that in the relationship. I don't know if she was looking for sympathy or trying to sound like a martyr or what, but it sure didn't impress me--I think she's a fool for getting herself into that mess. Gee, I guess it makes her feel like a better person!

Ok, rant over. Thanks for listening! Everyone feel free to post your own rant here

WOW. I had the same reaction as you. WTH????

I don't get that either. I've seen it happen a lot though. Especially when the mom works, she feels guilty if she spends any of her non-working time away from baby. I had a friend who was a single mom and she was reluctant to ask her ex to take care of their son for any length of time, because she was worried he would use it against her that she didn't want to take care of the kid 24/7, and he would try to get custody and take the kid away from her. (He would never have done that, he didn't want to take care of the kid any more than he had to.)

Cindy

Err.... Sorry. That message has a very high level of WTF-ery in it

Things that make you want to go GGrrrrrrrr

Sounds like Daddy needs a short sharp dose of "real-lifery". Seeing as it's half yours, get the hell off your a$$ and pull your weight.

Doesn't sound like she's going to give it to him though. It's s shame, but if she makes that bed for herself, she gets to lie in it ...

I wonder how much of it is the mother not wanting the baby to become more attached to the father. I've seen that happen a lot where there's a competition for the child's affection, and one parent feels bad because the other has a closer bond with the child.

frieda--I wondered that too! Sometimes I think mothers are just using that as an excuse b/c they really don't want to be away from their baby. But it was weird that she said it out of the blue--I hadn't even asked her to hang out...

I hate to say this, but some men encourage their partners to have babies for the purpose of anchoring them. I have seen this practiced up close and personal. A neighbor of mine had a career that was beginning to be very successful and right out of the blue her husband began to refer to the biological clock tick.

She acknowledged that the time was drawing near to make that decision and she decided to get pregnant. Like an organized, efficient person she kept building her career through the pregnancy, took two months off after the baby's birth, got a wonderful older lady to keep baby at home and rocked right along. Her husband was not exactly what you would call perfect, but reasonably helpful, but stay tuned.

Then...hubby started rumbling about not wanting the baby to be an only child. I could hardly believe it when she had not one more baby, but TWO! With the help of her husband and the nurse or nanny the babies were great and her business kept building (ten hour days were called for at times) , while hubby seemed stuck at a lower level position. But once baby number three was born, hubby began to rebel.

He actually took away her one night a month to get together with the neighborhood girl's group. We play bunko at each other's homes within walking distance. It's not like we go to a bar or out of town. He announced that he was not a baby sitter; he was a DADDY not a MOMMY and now refuses to keep the children!

I think he didn't so much want a large family as he wanted to "seal the deal". Being as she was so much more successful than him, maybe he felt she wouldn't be as likely to get sick of him and leave if she had a basket full of babies in tow? Or maybe he was trying to sink her professional boat from jealousy?

My advice to young women would be to not to give birth to any more babies than you can easily manage alone.

Sad. Very sad.

Wow, if they had so little communication about the important issues before they started their life together, it makes me wonder where they will head in the future!? It sounds like they are making all their decisions for all the wrong reaons. Kinderfrei, don't smack your friend, but try to talk some sense into her. Her remark may be a desperate cry for help.

So sad.