BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Defining yourself through your kids

very true- my SIL was 5 months pregnant when she got married and she has been a SAHM ever since. She never went to college and just took small jobs to get herself by. I've never asked, and never would, but I've always found it interesting that she never got pregnant until she was dating a guy set to inherit millions.

My mom on the other hand was married ten years before having kids so while she was a SAHM she had a life and activities that were not just her kids.

One time I saw an Oprah episode (ok my second time mentioning oprah on this board...I am *NOT* that big of a fan, but she does sometimes cover something relvant) and it was about this issue. One of the audience members admitted that she loved her husband more than her kids. For the reasons you are mentioning...she has a long history with her husband, her husband was first and there would be no kid without him, her husband will be there living with her after the kids are gone, the husband is her emotional support...of course the auidence thought this was horrible. But really, I think it's horrible if you DON'T love your husband more.

Another thing- my friend does not know the date of her parents anniversary because they refuse to tell their kids because they want to keep it their own...isn't that nice (if not a little eccentric)??

Why would it be horrible, You choose to love your husband, you have to love your kids, so wouldn't the love you choose be stronger than the love you are required to give.

It's a big problem and often leads to unhappy marriage and divorce.
I've seen it many times over the years - women give up their careers/jobs/hobbies/interests/friends and focus entirely on their kids.
My colleague/friend has just ended his marriage of 24 years - his exact words, "she is a great mother but somewhere along the way she stopped being a wife"...
I think it's sad when kids become your entire focus long term - I can understand when your kids are small, it might be difficult to include other things in your life BUT, as the kids get older surely it's more stimulating and satisfying to feed your own identity a little more...take up an interest, a course or go back to work...don't let the "individual" die...

I wonder about that all the time. Remember I live in stepfordville too and all I have around me are SAHM's. My neighbors are really nice but we see the guy outside more and we feel we have more to talk to him about b/c the wife is really, really into her kids. Well, the husband is always bitchin' about something. Is he really happy? Before he knew we were CF he would be outside putting up decorations for his kids or doing someting for his kids and seem aggervated. He would say, "just wait and you will understand". I finally said, "we are not having kids".

My BF who has kids says she knows tons of couples that she thinks once the kids are off the husbands will be off too. They bad mouth their wife to her husband and they are so unhappy being married.

Thus began the phrase...

"Staying together for the sake of the kids."

Which is the craziest thing ever - like children are so stupid that they don't figure it out ...

Not that I like it -- but it seems to go with the logic of "let's have a knock down, drag out argument, so we can make up and the making up is soooo much better." It just doesn't make sense to me.

It's not a horrible thing. My parents fully admitted they loved each other more than they loved us. I wasn't insulted at all, it made me feel good to know my parents loved each other so much that their relationship was a priority. You're right, they got stuck with us, they chose to love each other till the day my dad died.

Children feel more secure knowing their parents love eachother. When parents spend no time together or fight all the time a perceptive child would worry about them breaking up.