logo
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 6
ariel74 Offline OP
Newbie
OP Offline
Newbie
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 6
I honestly don't know what to do next. The ironic part is that I used to work with parents of teens and I taught parenting classes and I was really good at it... It's so different when it's your own child. I have a beautiful, creative 14-year-old daughter from my first marriage. I was 19 when I had her in Germany - my husband was in the army and I decided we should have a baby. It was hard having a colicky baby in a foreign country with no family around to help out and a husband who would be gone for weeks at a time. I have, in all honesty, been an incredibly [censored] parent and am frequently reminded of this by my daughter and her dad and her stepmom. I have never been able to handle her temperament. I've also suffered from bipolar disorder with some pretty major depressive episodes. I've never been a scheduled, consistent sort of person and that doesn't work well when being a parent. I left my first husband partly because I really wanted to have every other weekend and holidays "off". When I moved in with my current husband, my daughter was even more of a nightmare. She would scream all night keeping all of us awake. She would tear everything off the shelves and the walls, and she even threw scissors at my husband once. Finally I just felt like I couldn't handle one more night and she went to live with her dad. Our house became so much calmer after that. Then her dad got remarried and she and her stepmom clashed constantly. I was always getting tearful phone calls and her stepmom and I had it out more than once. Finally she ran away and refused to go back and so she came back to live with us. It's been hell. I don't think my marriage is going to withstand four more years. She has lost all priveleges: cell phone, make-up, going anywhere without a trusted adult, being home alone... She snuck out and ran away and was gone for an entire weekend. Last week I told her she couldn't drive three hours with people I didn't know to a concert. She went anyway. One of her consequences was being physically taken from my vehicle and put into her dad's vehicle and spending the week with him. He dyed her hair back to blond and took all her make-up and everything away. I took everything out of her bedroom except her clothes and alarm clock. She pushed it one morning and used her older sisters makeup and had lip rings in. I told her we weren't leaving until she took the makeup off and the rings out. She cussed me out and at one point I was physically holding her down to try to wipe it off. Then I got a container of water and a wet rag and was ready to dump the water over her head and let the makeup run down her face, but she decided she'd take the makeup off and the rings out. We got to school/work two hours late and I wouldn't excuse her tardiness. We had a good couple days and I let her stay the night with some friends after I drove to their house and talked with their mom and dad. Then she calls today because she wants to go to a band show and I told her no. She freaked out, of course. She's now in her room crying and cussing and slamming doors. She ruined my entire day and evening. Then she took my cell phone and read my messages. Well, I'd sent a text message to my husband that she'd ruined yet another weekend. This of course hurt her and sent her on a rampage. When she threatens to run away, part of me hopes she does. She always says, "just send me back to my dad's because you can't handle me, like you always do. you don't want me here, you don't want to deal with me" so I feel like I can't have her go and live back with her dad. My current husband is no help at all and my relationship with him and his kids has totally deteriorated. His kids do whatever they want and never have to deal with any consequences. He threatens them with consequences, but they know that he'll never follow through. His son is failing most of his classes and when I tried to enforce the consequences we'd all agreed to, his dad backed out. My 6-year-old wishes her 14-year-old sister, my daughter, would go away and not come back because her sister can be so hateful and mean-spirited. I have no family living nearby to help me out. In fact, none of my family even live in the same state! My ex and his wife make a point of letting me know that she's this way because of me. My husband and his family have never really accepted her. Right now I feel like I need to move out and have it be just me and her again. I'm so tired from dealing with her constant attitude and issues that I can't stand to be around anyone. I just want to be alone. The only time I'm alone is when I'm sleeping or in the shower. My step daughter and I can't stand eachother. She's 15 and I don't approve of the pictures and posts that she puts on her MySpace. I don't approve of some of the clothes she wears, and she's learned that she doesn't have to do any chores because her Daddy will do them for her because she really deserves a break for being a good student and everything.

Shew! Time to go and check on her and make sure she didn't sneak out the window again. Remind myself that tomorrow is a new day and that as dramatic as she is she will get over it. Remind myself that I did the right thing by not letting her go to a "club" and hang out with people I've never met and listen to a band. Remind myself that she will grow up, and some day she will (hopefully) look back and feel bad for what she put us through... and she'll probably be a really strict parent to her own kids!

Thanks for letting me vent...


Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. - Author Unknown
Sponsored Post Advertisement
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 34
G
Newbie
Offline
Newbie
G
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 34
Is family counseling out of the question?


Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 6
ariel74 Offline OP
Newbie
OP Offline
Newbie
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 6
I'm looking for a counselor for her and I, but we live in a remote area and most of the people I've called aren't taking new patients... My ex tried to take her, but she refused to talk. I don't blame her, because they went in ahead of her and told the counselor how awful she was and that it was all her mom's (my) fault and then she didn't want to talk to the counselor. My husband and I tried counseling and it really didn't help. I don't think we'll ever be on the same page when it comes to parenting and I don't think I can take four more years of his kids completely ignoring everything I say and knowing they have no consequences while at the same time disciplining my two children. I basically resent him and his children at this point.


Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. - Author Unknown
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 347
Shark
Offline
Shark
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 347
Whew! You have so much on your plate! And so do your children! Since you've taught parenting classes you probably know all of the answers but are too stressed, emotional, worn out to focus on it...

My first concern is that you said you are bipolar with a tendency towards depression. When was the last time you went to your psychiatrist? You sound like you are overwhelmed and possibly need to check your medications.

No one can tell you what to do, or give you answers, but you need to find a way to keep your kids safe. Obviously if they run away their safety is in jeopardy. Does your daughter feel wanted in her home? It's time for everyone to stop blaming everyone else, and start showing your daughter that she is loved and accepted with any hair color, any piercings, or any ridiculous make up.

Good luck. Keep reaching out for help. Get yourself together first because you can't help anyone unless your ok.

Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 1
C
Newbie
Offline
Newbie
C
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 1
I can really sympathise with you. My 15 year old daughter has caused us more problems than any other kid in our area. Since she was very young we knew she was different. From 2 years old until now we have had tantrum after tantrum. She picks late at night to start screaming and shouting and demanding so that maybe we will give in to her. We try and stick it out as our home is joined onto another house. We are on our second family next door because they cannot cope with the noise levels. We have even had the "noise" people out and they even sympathise with us over our monster of a daughter. She stays out at night, never comes home when we give her a time. We have just given up on her now. She has missed almost a full year of schooling because we cannot get her up in the morning. We end up having to drag her downstairs and out of the door. By then we are all too stressed. There doesn't even seem to be anyone to help solve our problem. The kids seem to have too many rights and the parents have none. I really do sympathise with you and I just hope our children will grow out of these awful stages soon.

Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 66,288
Highest Posting Power Known to Humanity
Offline
Highest Posting Power Known to Humanity
Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 66,288
I had more trouble raising my daughter, than my two sons, She was my heartache. she was into drugs and pregnant at 15yrs old. i got custody of her son when he was born. by 17 i had to put her out of the house. it truly broke my heart, but she was using heroin. and sneaking men in my house while we slept. shes 39yrs old now, thanks me often for loving her threw all the bad times and for raising her son, who at 23yrs old still lives with me. She still lives a life style that i can't deal with. I pray for her safety always. and i will always love her. but it seems like she will always be my heart ache.


Rosie L
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 92
Owl Offline
Amoeba
Offline
Amoeba
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 92
Even if you're the only one willing to go to counciling, go by yourself. I agree that you need to get yourself together before trying to help everyone else. The only other advice I have is regarding your daughter's appearence. Don't make such a big deal out of it. Dyed hair, makeup, and piercings don't make someone a bad person. She's just expressing herself like all teens do. These things aren't permanent and she'll most likely grow out of it soon.

Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 136
L
Jellyfish
Offline
Jellyfish
L
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 136
My only advice would be to pick your battles. If your daughters more dangerous behaviour (inappropriate pics on the internet, going away to concerts with strangers) can be addressed, then perhaps you will find that the fights over wearing make-up and having a strange hair colour will become unnecessary.

She's probably just trying to express her personality through these things, and although you may not approve it sounds like you are allowing these things to wear you right down to a weak state, which means you'll not be able to deal appropriately with the big issues.

I wish you the best of luck - I had an extremely turbulent relationship with my mother and step parents throughout my teens, but we have the BEST relationship now - I sincerely hope that you can both achieve the same! :-)

Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 333
M
Shark
Offline
Shark
M
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 333
Can I say - as I just also posted on another blog this to me - seems like little seedlings of RAD. Might at least look into it. If you did resent her as a baby and perhaps ignored some critical moments where the child *needed* you - with certain kids that can lead to distrust - and from there it can blossom into attachment disorders.


Mindy, Adoption Editor
Adoption Site
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 33
A
Newbie
Offline
Newbie
A
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 33
Originally Posted By: Mindy86
Can I say - as I just also posted on another blog this to me - seems like little seedlings of RAD. Might at least look into it. If you did resent her as a baby and perhaps ignored some critical moments where the child *needed* you - with certain kids that can lead to distrust - and from there it can blossom into attachment disorders.


I didn't know such a think existed as RAD. Found RAD.org on the net and yes this could be the case.

Your daughter needs to know she fits and right now she doesn't fit anywhere does she? It's not enough to tell her, I love you and I want you. It's going to take time, patience and yes, possibily counseling for the both of you.

In regards to your current husband and "HIS" children. IF the both of you can not get on the same page, the inmates will run the asylum. Kid's love the game of divide and conquer. Whether they aer you kids, his kids, or the both of your children. You both need to be on the same page in terms of how you plan to raize these children or you are right.... you won't last.


Moderated by  Lisa - Moms, Traci - Moms 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Brand New Posts
It's 2022 - on this day in the past . . .
by Mona - Astronomy - 11/29/22 12:37 PM
Psalm for the day
by Angie - 11/29/22 08:48 AM
Inspiration Quote
by Angie - 11/28/22 07:26 PM
Screenplay Contest-Submit Your Short Story or Book
by Angela - Drama Movies - 11/28/22 04:23 PM
Procreate Animation - Holiday Greeting Card
by Digital Art and Animation - 11/26/22 09:08 PM
New Post - Being Present
by JOY (Self Development) - 11/26/22 08:24 AM
The wisdom of trauma
by Cat - Meditation - 11/26/22 06:56 AM
Astro Women - Birthdays
by Mona - Astronomy - 11/24/22 02:40 PM
Let's Meditate together for positive change
by Cat - Meditation - 11/24/22 01:55 PM
Sponsor
Safety
We take forum safety very seriously here at BellaOnline. Please be sure to read through our Forum Guidelines. Let us know if you have any questions or comments!
Privacy
This forum uses cookies to ensure smooth navigation from page to page of a thread. If you choose to register and provide your email, that email is solely used to get your password to you and updates on any topics you choose to watch. Nothing else. Ask with any questions!


| About BellaOnline | Privacy Policy | Advertising | Become an Editor |
Website copyright © 2022 Minerva WebWorks LLC. All rights reserved.


Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5