At my wits end with my teen daughter! - 03/02/08 05:44 AM
I honestly don't know what to do next. The ironic part is that I used to work with parents of teens and I taught parenting classes and I was really good at it... It's so different when it's your own child. I have a beautiful, creative 14-year-old daughter from my first marriage. I was 19 when I had her in Germany - my husband was in the army and I decided we should have a baby. It was hard having a colicky baby in a foreign country with no family around to help out and a husband who would be gone for weeks at a time. I have, in all honesty, been an incredibly [censored] parent and am frequently reminded of this by my daughter and her dad and her stepmom. I have never been able to handle her temperament. I've also suffered from bipolar disorder with some pretty major depressive episodes. I've never been a scheduled, consistent sort of person and that doesn't work well when being a parent. I left my first husband partly because I really wanted to have every other weekend and holidays "off". When I moved in with my current husband, my daughter was even more of a nightmare. She would scream all night keeping all of us awake. She would tear everything off the shelves and the walls, and she even threw scissors at my husband once. Finally I just felt like I couldn't handle one more night and she went to live with her dad. Our house became so much calmer after that. Then her dad got remarried and she and her stepmom clashed constantly. I was always getting tearful phone calls and her stepmom and I had it out more than once. Finally she ran away and refused to go back and so she came back to live with us. It's been hell. I don't think my marriage is going to withstand four more years. She has lost all priveleges: cell phone, make-up, going anywhere without a trusted adult, being home alone... She snuck out and ran away and was gone for an entire weekend. Last week I told her she couldn't drive three hours with people I didn't know to a concert. She went anyway. One of her consequences was being physically taken from my vehicle and put into her dad's vehicle and spending the week with him. He dyed her hair back to blond and took all her make-up and everything away. I took everything out of her bedroom except her clothes and alarm clock. She pushed it one morning and used her older sisters makeup and had lip rings in. I told her we weren't leaving until she took the makeup off and the rings out. She cussed me out and at one point I was physically holding her down to try to wipe it off. Then I got a container of water and a wet rag and was ready to dump the water over her head and let the makeup run down her face, but she decided she'd take the makeup off and the rings out. We got to school/work two hours late and I wouldn't excuse her tardiness. We had a good couple days and I let her stay the night with some friends after I drove to their house and talked with their mom and dad. Then she calls today because she wants to go to a band show and I told her no. She freaked out, of course. She's now in her room crying and cussing and slamming doors. She ruined my entire day and evening. Then she took my cell phone and read my messages. Well, I'd sent a text message to my husband that she'd ruined yet another weekend. This of course hurt her and sent her on a rampage. When she threatens to run away, part of me hopes she does. She always says, "just send me back to my dad's because you can't handle me, like you always do. you don't want me here, you don't want to deal with me" so I feel like I can't have her go and live back with her dad. My current husband is no help at all and my relationship with him and his kids has totally deteriorated. His kids do whatever they want and never have to deal with any consequences. He threatens them with consequences, but they know that he'll never follow through. His son is failing most of his classes and when I tried to enforce the consequences we'd all agreed to, his dad backed out. My 6-year-old wishes her 14-year-old sister, my daughter, would go away and not come back because her sister can be so hateful and mean-spirited. I have no family living nearby to help me out. In fact, none of my family even live in the same state! My ex and his wife make a point of letting me know that she's this way because of me. My husband and his family have never really accepted her. Right now I feel like I need to move out and have it be just me and her again. I'm so tired from dealing with her constant attitude and issues that I can't stand to be around anyone. I just want to be alone. The only time I'm alone is when I'm sleeping or in the shower. My step daughter and I can't stand eachother. She's 15 and I don't approve of the pictures and posts that she puts on her MySpace. I don't approve of some of the clothes she wears, and she's learned that she doesn't have to do any chores because her Daddy will do them for her because she really deserves a break for being a good student and everything.
Shew! Time to go and check on her and make sure she didn't sneak out the window again. Remind myself that tomorrow is a new day and that as dramatic as she is she will get over it. Remind myself that I did the right thing by not letting her go to a "club" and hang out with people I've never met and listen to a band. Remind myself that she will grow up, and some day she will (hopefully) look back and feel bad for what she put us through... and she'll probably be a really strict parent to her own kids!
Thanks for letting me vent...
Shew! Time to go and check on her and make sure she didn't sneak out the window again. Remind myself that tomorrow is a new day and that as dramatic as she is she will get over it. Remind myself that I did the right thing by not letting her go to a "club" and hang out with people I've never met and listen to a band. Remind myself that she will grow up, and some day she will (hopefully) look back and feel bad for what she put us through... and she'll probably be a really strict parent to her own kids!
Thanks for letting me vent...