BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Article recommending women should settle

i definitely agree! to me people who "settle" don't have a very high opinion of themselves and think maybe that they don't deserve better. also if a woman is so focused on having a baby that she almost becomes obssessed with the idea and common sense just goes out the window.

obviously my DH and i have our flaws but neither one of us thinks that we "settled." ridiculous. although i love being married it's certainly not the end all of my life and i enjoyed being single just as well.

indigo

Two steps forward and three steps backward. Scary.

I was thinking about this over the last couple of days - about how many women I know that have clearly settled. It's really scary to recommend this to women, because I think so many women do this anyway! I think it's because we still lives in a very sexist society, and many women, and others, think they are nothing without a man.

All of the women that cross my mind that have settled have ALL had kids. So I think there's a definite correlation between settling and wanting to have a baby within a certain time frame. Do they really want babies that badly, or do they just want to be like everyone else? I'm not sure which is the driving force.

And how fair is this to the child. Sure you take care of your desires but want about the child's best interest? Is it in the child's best interest for the mom to have just settled to have a "baby". (side note: I hate when people talk about wanting a baby, it's only a baby for about a year). Is it in the best interest of the child for the mom to panic and go to a sperm donor just so she feels better?

Taitinfae, you're on a roll. I couldn't agree with you more! I love your line in the other thread about getting a baby shouldn't be liking buying a purse because you want one. There should be other things that factor higher than "I want," since it's about a lot more then you...it's about another person.

It also totally bugs me when people say they want a baby, for that exact reason. Eh!!

Thanks wanting a purse is my new analogy for the week because I love buying purses and I just found one that I want but can't justify buying it at the moment, I'll probably justify it in a two weeks when I get paid lol.

And how come no one says I want a 3rd grader or I want a preteen or teenager. maybe because no one does want them they want a baby so they just have to put up with the other stages. I have a friend, whom I love, but she just wants babies so she keeps having them. Drives me crazy.

Yes, people go all gaga over babies, but they don't show that same enthusiasm once the child starts growing up. It's pathetic. It's like the people who buy ducklings for Easter and then let them go when they are out of their "cute" phase.

...and yet, when you try to talk to these people and explain to them that it is incredibly hurtful to their children to think this way, you are the unreasonable one. I don't know how many times I've been called rude or mean because I'm trying to explain to people that they are destroying other people's lives.

If I'm rude, so be it. Someone has to speak up for those poor children.

While I disagree with most of this article, I do think the author has a valid insight around the importance of looking for spouse/parent qualities when making a mate selection. I am in my late 30s and have seen alot of my friends marriages fail in the last 15 years because they married people who made great "dates" and not great spouses/parents. We've all seen it or lived it . . . . . the guy who's a blast to go out with . . . crazy, spontaneous, willing to spend all his money on fun . . . and the woman who marries him will enjoy a lifetime of chaos, undependability and financial instability. Or the gorgeous, high maintenance woman who doesn't really have any goals in life but makes good arm candy . . . the many who marries her can enjoy a liftime of financial burden supporting her, their kids and her hair/nails/shopping bills. Nothing will wreck a marriage faster than resentment, and if your spouse isn't doing their half, whether it's caring for the house or the kids, earning an income or participating as an active, committed partner emotionally, eventually it's going to crumble. I would take a good, solid guy who makes an effort over a passion rush any day of the week . . . but you are truly blessed if you can find both.

I agree that there is a correlation between settling and wanting to have a baby within a certain time frame. However, I know of a woman who has been married over twenty years. She has one child who is about to turn 18. She lost her second baby when he was 12 days old. She has done nothing but hound her husband for a baby. All she says is I want a baby - any baby - a baby will make me happy. She is sadly mistaken and he has not given in - yet. He does not want anymore children. I tried talking to her but she won't reason. He said as soon as that baby grew up she would want another baby. A nuturing instinct that hasn't been fulfilled, maybe .......... ?

Sheri