BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Ever dropped a friendship b/c of pregnancy?

Ok, I feel like a jerk. We had another thread about how friends who get pregnant drop us either when they get pregnant or when the baby comes. Now I find myself in the opposite situation.

We have these friends who we had just started to get to know. We went out to dinner a few times and they were ok, but neither one of us really liked them that much. Ok, honestly it was more me! But DH also didn't totally love them, although he can get along with anyone. I don't have anything in common with the wife and we don't seem to click with any kind of conversation.

A few weeks ago they told us that she was pregnant. I'm happy for them--turns out they had been trying for a long time and it finally happened. Anyway, now I find myself not wanting to cultivate the friendship anymore. I feel like since I never really liked them that much, that I don't want to spend any more time getting to know them and all when the friendship will probably end once the baby comes anyway. Does that sound awful?

Am I horrible to feel this way? Have any of you experienced this before?

i haven't really experienced that myself but i have to admit that when i do meet new people if i find out they have kids(esp. little ones) that i don't want to take the friendship any further. the few new friends i've made in the past few years have been single women friends. i have a friend who has two kids and two friends who are both pregnant. however, i've been friends with them since high school(i'm now almost 37) so i think it's a little different. i really don't blame you b/c since you don't have much in common with them and don't like them all that much anyway when the baby comes it will be even worse. at least with the friends that i've mentioned above we have a long history and other things in common to bond us together.

i tend to have really really long term friendships most of them lasting at least 10-20 yrs.

don't feel bad though and you're not an awful person at all. at least to me it's perfectly understandable.

indigo

I don't think you are horrible to feel the way you do, KinderFrei! I think your reaction is perfectly understandable. From what you've said, you don't have much of a relationship with these people anyway, so why force yourself into something in which you have no interest, just because you feel an obligation to do so? It sounds to me as if your fledgling "friendship" would have died a natural death anyway given your lack of common interests, and the gap is bound to get wider once the baby make its appearance. Don't feel that you must continue to try simply because of the timing - life's too short to waste on things like that, in my opinion.

Thanks so much--glad to know I'm not being a jerk. You guys are right; life is too short for that! If I really had a great friendship, kids would not change that (for me anyway)...but yeah since there isn't a great friendship to start there's no point going on with it. Thanks again

After having several friends drift away after having kids, I kind of feel like I want to be the one to cut the cord next time.

You're exactly right -- life's too short, and since you're not close with them anyway, drop it.

Kinderfrei, far from being a jerk, you are being wise and self protective. I have suffered in the past from giving too much out to too many people. Now I am very discerning about who I cultivate friendships with. Time is too precious. Now when people ask us out to do things socially, we weigh it up. If I know I'm doing it out of some sort of obligation and I don't really like spending time with the people involved, I turn it down. I am trying at this stage of my life to put energy into the friendships of true quality and be careful about the time I devote to the others. There are too many things that I want to be doing with my time and can't get to, for me to waste time on things and people that don't matter.

I also think you are wise to get out before their life becomes too complex and you find yourself invited to baby showers, christenings etc.

Please don't give yourself a hard time. You are clearly a thoughtful and considerate person.

I've never dropped a friend because of pregnancy, although have been dropped because of it.

Take the pregnancy out of the equation and you still say you don't really like the couple... so why bother?

If I didn't like people, I wouldn't hang around with them... if I did and they got pregnant, I would be genuinely happy for them and try and be a part of their life and support them in their decision to have children...

I certainly don't think you are a jerk, however I don't think in *this* situation, the pregnancy really had much to do with it, maybe it was a catalyst but I would probably bow out and leave them to it...

Wow--thanks everyone for all your great input. Reading your responses made me see that I am actually making a good decision and it's nothing to feel bad about.

And Feebeegeebee: I hadn't even thought of that, but you're right--if I stick around I'll be stuck with all the baby showers, christenings, etc. ACK!!! Whew...I'm going to just save myself from the horror right now

KinderFrei,
I can totally relate! And I don't think you are a jerk at all! Right now my best friend and my only sister in law are both pregnant. I am close w/ both of them, yet we never get to talk anymore since they are both too busy wrapped up w/ baby stuff. And when I do talk to them, I feel really awkward. I am happy for both, but like you said, no matter what kind of relationship, it is hard to carry on one w/ a person you have nothing in common with.