BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Why do I find it so unappealing?

I don't see why there should be loads of forums devoted to Mothers / parents and toddlers / pregnancy... but there are.. as *like minded* people want to discuss certain issues relating to that topic....

Hi Becky,

I don't think these women are "trashing" eachother, in fact I've been with this site for over 4 years and they extend support and helping hands more than anything, really

Personal choice topics, call it "passion", may look on the surface, as if it's one side against the other, really we're all just venting and exploring our feelings on a deeper level in a place we can feel safe doing it. Something we may not otherwise have the option to do without being judged elsewhere, you know?

Like couples debating issues. It can get personal, but the intent usually isn't (in a healthy relationship anyway) to tear the person down but that doesn't mean one or the other doesn't get fired up. I love and share virtually everything with my fiance, but there is a part of me that, well wants to expose itself w/out being an us; a part that cries and has insane thoughts...lol, sometimes anyway

Elleise
Clairvoyance Editor

I know so many women whose lives completely revolve around their children. It seems to me that they completely lose their identity when they have kids. All of their other interests and hobbies go out the window. I would never want to lose my identity like that. To not have time for the things I enjoy, to not have the freedom to do what I want and when.
I wonder what they will do with themselves once the kids are grown and have their own lives?

I too, have always been a very quiet, private person, and I often hold people off at a distance. I think if I had children, they would feel alienated from me, despite my best efforts.

Also, my husband and I have the relationship that we have because we're not so distracted by children. We can both spend hours talking to each other about our day and what we're thinking/hoping for, without being interrupted by kids.

I am a sickly person and I need a lot of sleep. I wouldn't have the energy for a child.

What I know is that I like my privacy as well. I like the ability to do nothing, if need be, in silence. I like the ability to have an adult level conversation with DW and not have to worry if a "bad word" that is appropriate in context, comes out.

Most importantly, I know that I would not want to be a father to a mini-me. I remember what a strain I put on my parents, just being a normal boy. And I was a good kid, for the most part. If I had to summarize my objections to becoming a parent in a few short sentences, that is it.

I like my privacy and my down time. DH & I spend plenty of time together when we're both off of work during the evenings and weekends, but we also spend time apart in different areas of the house, doing our own thing, and that's great. We are also very careful about how we treat fragile objects/collectibles/furniture, etc. Having a child would put all of that stuff (call us selfish) that we worked hard to attain, at risk. When our friends with a very curious, wild toddler come over, we'd have to child-proof our already kitty-proof house, and some of that involved hiding various cat toys that he could break or put in bad places (he liked putting a couple of the cats' sparkly toy balls in some of our speakers!).

The idea that we'd both go to work each day, and then have to come home and continue to be "on" until the little spawn goes to sleep just repulses me. We have a routine through the work week, which involves us coming home, working out, showering/getting ready for bed, eating, and watching some good stuff on TV/playing on the Internet/whatever comes up. We go to bed at a decent hour because we have to get up early for work each day.

I know that although my DH would do his best to raise whatever spawn we would have, I would end up stuck with a lot of the grunt work, simply because I am the more organized, responsible one of the two of us. I remember things and make reminders for my DH, who I believe would lose his head if it weren't attached, and I can't imagine having to do that for a totally dependent mini-me. I am the one who remembers when to trim the cats' claws (every 10-12 days), as well as all of the other household chores that regularly have to be done.

I also love to sleep, and on the weekends, I can regularly sleep in, unless we have someplace to be early in the morning. That is wonderful, and I wouldn't want to give that up. I think that the general loss of freedom I would feel by having a child would be too much for me to take, and besides the fact that the whole pregnancy/childbirth process would take a huge toll on me physically and emotionally, I think having kids is unappealing because of the fact that virtually no aspect of my life would ever be the same again. The fact that I see more negatives than positives to the choice to have kids is what points me more and more to being 100% CF.

We like to get up for breakfast on the weekend, have our breakfast in the kitchen, then afterwards go right back to bed... for reading, cuddling or whatever. And we can just spend as much time there as we like. How can you beat that!

I agree with all of you, and related so much to Linux Lady's part at the end about resenting her partner. That is another big one for me. I would resent the world, not just him! I realized it when I was trying to conceive, and constantly was getting questioned by husband and doctors about every product I use, food I eat, what kind of exercise I do, etc. And they had a right to be concerned about how I treat my body, because it is no longer just me. I want to be healthy to be healthy, not because if I don't I might damage my fetus or some other result too horrible to think about. That is a lot of pressure. I could only imagine what it would be like once I had the baby! My partner could argue that it's best for me to do ________(fill in blank with something I hate) for the sake of the baby, and I would feel much more obligated to be pushed aound. It gives people outside of me (mainly the father) a much bigger right to have a say in how I eat, etc., because he will be equally responsible for the child I give birth to. That was very frightening to me, and felt like a fundamental LOSS of my freedom and personal choice.

No offense to moms intended. These are my personal feelings about becoming a mother, which I've been under extreme pressure to do. If you really don't want to be a doctor, and need to talk about your feelings about that, I wouldn't hold that against you or say, "Why are you bashing doctors?" It has no relevance.

I think it's that loss of freedom that's also a big issue for me. Right now I am turning my life completely around. I had always considered myself a solely creative person, but I have decided to reinvent myself and get an education in the technical side. It requires practically re-wiring my mind and habits.

If I had a little helpless person that I was responsible for, all of my attention would be on that person. By the time I got them through their youngest years, I'd be in my late thirties and it would be a WHOLE lot harder to go back to school.

When people ask me "why don't you like children?" I often reply "I dunno. For the same reason I don't like brussel sprouts?"

It's about that simple for me. Two things I'd rather avoid like the plague. Makes perfect sense to me, no justification needed.