BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Telling people

LMAO!!! I just tell people when they ask that I am childfree and cant have kids (then to my self I add because you are all the child i need or because my nerves cant take it!) if they ask why i cant have them I just give this vage reason that I am a diebetic which is true but there are lots of diebetics that have kids....Why they would want to is beyond me but they can and do have them so.... but most people are happy with the asker and say OH I am SOOOOOO sorry... and If i am smart I just say thanks but if not then I say oh well dont be I dont want them anyways! and that is where the bingoing comes in....and we all know how that goes... I am Learning to be smart!!!

I told most people who I know, mostly because sooner or later they do ask, but also since I'm not particularly child friendly either, and that does come up too.

The first bingo I've always had is "you'll change your mind" to which I've always replied, if I do I'll give you a million dollars. I've said that so many times I'd owe a fortune if I did, but thankfully that isn't going to happen!

i tell people as it comes up. i have a few friends who are CF so i told them when i first became CF. the hardest one was "coming out to my mom."i put that off as long as possible. my mom finally asked my point blank last year and i decided to just be honest at that pt. i told her we didn't want kids(we've also been married over 9 yrs.)and although she was disappointed she didn't push it.i told her that i couldn't have a kid just to make her happy. my mom and i are close so it did affect me when i said this. i have to say though that she took it well and hasn't brought it up since. she did say at least thing about it. well believe me i didn't tell her this maybe i should have that i did think about it for well over a yr.

when i do tell people i'm CF i make it short and sweet.i don't go into a long explanation.i usually just make a resounding "no way!" or "i like being an aunt better." things like that.

indigo

I met friends of my dad's last month. We were all chatting and at one point the wife asked me "Are you planning on having kids?" I said "No, we're having dogs." She gave me an approving smile and said "Yeah!" She and her husband never had kids and adore their dog. They are retired but she volunteers at the airport (my dad does too) and they travel quite a bit. It was nice getting the positive for a change instead of the bingos! Though now I am prepared for the bingos when they come, which is less and less often. My coworkers have realized by now that I REALLY don't want kids, and don't often ask me about it anymore. Yeah!

Cindy

manderley, I could have written your story too. We will be married for 9 years next August and before we got married we said we did not want children and as a matter of fact we excluded all references to children from our wedding ceremony. We are both from Catholic families but neither of us are practicing. Anyway after we married we settled into an easy routine and everything was fine until all and I mean all of our friends started to have children.I really started to panic because I was heading for 30 fast and I really began to feel like a freak and the odd one out so after much discussion we decided to try to get pregnant and as soon as we'd decide this both of us would secretely be unsure that this was the right thing to do and we'd say no, it's not for us and carry on, only for the same issue to rear it's head the next time a friend or family member got pregnant. My mother would also on occasion say to me "you know there's never a right time" etc etc the usual stuff . This went on for a few years until I finally got my head together, started to do research about our situation and really accepted that a) I really did not want children and never had and b) that there was absolutely nothing wrong with me and that I would not have any regrets when I was older. I refer to myself only because my husband was always sure that he did not want children, that he did not need to have them and that he was very happy with just the two of us.He was very patient with me too as I worked out all of these feelings that just came from no where - children were never an issue for me and all of a sudden they were on my mind all of the time. He always said that if I decided that I wanted children that he would not stand in my way. Anyway, I have sorted my feelings out and am resolutely CF and I have to say that I found this forum invaluable as a source of strength and reassurance. So, so assured as I have been over the past year or so, I decided to tell some members of my own family who as I had expected, will not accept that my decision is final say that I will change my mind. I also think, even though they are not saying it , that they blame my husband. This was something that would have bothered me a while ago but not now. We know our own situation and our decisions sits easy with both of us and at the end of the day, that really is all that matters.

My husband and I have not had a big "coming out" with our families and friends. Some people know that we will not be having children, some continue to bingo us incessently, and others couldn't care less.

I think as we get older and no kids come along, people will get the idea.

I don't like to come right out and say "No, we will not be having children" to the bingoers because this just drags the conversation on and they come up with reason why children are so great, you will be missing out, etc.

We never had a "coming out" party either. We've been married 7 years (me 35, husband 38) and I'm pretty sure our families have given up on us. They don't even ask anymore. I've said my whole life that I never wanted to have kids so it is really no surprise to them. One mistake I made was asking my mom last year about family history. I have an uncle and cousin that are so severely mentally handicapped they can't even talk and take care of themselves and another cousin with Downs Syndrome. I told her I wanted to know in case we decided to have kids. Well this got her hopes up; big mistake. So I've been working ever since to let her know it's not going to happen.

Wow Becki, parallel situation for me!
Thank you for putting it into words so well.

I have noticed the same thing with my family blaming my husband, but I hadn't really thought it out too much. I think it's true though, because he's older and has had health problems. I sense they also blame him for not supporting me in being a SAHM, which is something I am supposedly entitled to and deprived of. He's an artist and constantly fielding inquiries about when he is going to get a real job. I have had many people, if I talked to them about why we don't have kids, tell me I should pressure him to be more of a provider.

I can let myself go there mentally, and resent him for doing what he loves, but that is so unproductive, petty, and not useful. I can choose a better way of thinking. Why would my half-assed, hesitant approach to the idea of having kids be more important than his right to be an artist? It makes my life meaningful to support him in following his passion (and myself).

In the words of the Beatles:

"And when the broken hearted people living in the world agree,
There will be an answer, let it be.
For though they may be parted there is still a chance that they will see,
There will be an answer, let it be..."

Seriously, I'd just let it ride, let it go. Just like every other personal, private decision you and your DH have made and will make, you wouldn't feel the need to announce anything, right? I mean, you wouldn't feel compelled to make a formal announcement on the type of medication you might seek for mood changes. You wouldn't make a declaration on the stocks in which you've chosen to invest, and you wouldn't put much effort in gathering the family to let them know which car you're about to purchase. Granted, the decision to breed or not breed is more significant than anything you'll ever decide, and while it may seem I'm making light of it, I'm just pointing out that your decision is private. Telling people about it only opens you up to bingos, unnecessary discussion, and conjecture.

I would just let them come to me, and release the "news" (if you want to call it that) one person at a time as they ask. That way, you only have to deal with one person's "concerns" at a time rather than dropping the news and having people talk about you behind your back and start barraging you with "further concern."

It was funny -- I had friends and family constantly chirping around me for a quite a while when I was married, asking whether or not I was going to breed. News of the divorce shut them up harder and faster than the Hiroshima bomb.

Thank you all for sharing your thoughts & experiences. I think you are all correct that there is no reason why we should feel the need to announce our personal decision to everyone we know. If someone asks, we will tell them.

It's kind of strange though, ever since we came to the decision to remain CF, no one has asked us a thing. When we were driving ourselves nuts with ttc, it seemed like people were coming out of the woodwork to get into our business. I would run into people at the grocery store and they would bombard me with questions. I don't know where people get the idea that such things are their business anyway.