BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Telling people

I'm just curious as to how everyone has gone about telling their family & friends of their decision to be child-free.

We have only told a couple of people so far, and I'm not sure if it's something we should just announce or just leave it be. Honestly, most people we know are probably still under the assumption that we are "trying and having difficulty".

Let me explain: We've been married for almost 9 years. When we married, we told everyone we would be waiting 5 years to have kids. (even then, we were putting it off as long as possible) Eventually, 5 years came and went and all of our friends started having kids and we felt like we probably should get on with it. So, for totally wrong reasons, we started trying to have kids. I even became horribly obsessed with it. It was awful. We were miserable. A lot of people knew we were "trying". Anyway, after a while we came to a point where we both realized we really didn't want kids. All of our reasons for trying were horribly wrong and as soon as we realized that, we were so relieved. I'm so grateful that it didn't happen when we were trying. We have been so completely happy ever since. But, we haven't really shared this with any of our family/friends and it's been quite a while since anyone's brought up the subject. I assume most of them think we are still trying and are attempting to be sensitive to our situation.

So, should we just leave things be? If no one is asking? Or should we relieve them of their concern and curiosity and just announce our decision to everyone? And, how exactly would you do that?

I never actually told anyone. When comments started coming my way, I just said, "I'm not having kids." Most people think I'll change my mind, so they keep bingoing me, but once or twice I've had to show them that I'm not joking - like the time I told my MIL that if I ever got pregnant I'd have an abortion - because they would just keep on about it. But I've never really "come out of the CF closet" by making any kind of official announcement or anything. Well, except to my co-workers because they bother me all time about having kids.

I agree. Just let it ride, until someone brings it to you. Then tell them you've thought long and hard about it, and you and your DH have decided that you're not having children. When the bingos start (as they will, immediately), tell them politely but firmly that this is a private matter, you are not interested in their opinions, and the discussion is finished.

You may have to sit down and have a "coming out" to the family though. Again, same deal. The people who would be most affected by children are you and hubby, therefore it's your decision. Tell them that you will not be entertaining whining, nagging or snide remarks, and you hope that they will accept your decision with grace and move on.

It still bites that for all the stupid reasons that people have for churning out kids, WE'RE the ones who have to justify our stance. Don't put up with it. You don't "owe" anybody anything. Your choice impacts only you, and is to be respected, as you respect the decisions of other people.

Manderley, Wow! I could have almost written this. We just came out of a year of Trying, which included flushing lots of our life savings down the toilet (as in going through a fertility clinic). Toward the end of the year we were finally to the point where we'd passed all the tests and gone through all their stupid protocols, and the insemination was about to begin. We FREAKED out. That whole year had not been good for our marriage. We were fencesitters, and couldn't summon the passion enough to feel like it was right. We decided to give up for awhile, and see how that feels. Well, as we suspected, it feels much better and we're getting along better. He's 51 and I'm 38, so I doubt we'll get back to doing it. So, I'm accepting it and looking forward to a different life than expected. I think it will be good though. This forum has helped me gain the self esteem to be firm in my decision too.

I would not make any announcements. Whether they are your family or not, it's really not their business. If they're anything like my family, eventually they'll bring it up. Then I would just keep your response as simple as possible and don't let them force you into a big discussion. It is not open for their opinion! Just say you can't handle the worry and stress of kids, or just plain "No."

Good luck! We're here to talk about it and you're definitely not alone.

I consider it a delicious little secret. I like to keep people wondering. I figure in five more years or so they'll figure it out for sure.

We never made it to the testing and fertility treatments. It came close. I discussed it with my doctor, but we never went anywhere with it. In fact, that was one of the things that helped us realize we didn't really want kids. When it came down to it, neither of us wanted to go through all that testing.

You're right that it's really not their business. I suppose if the curiosity gets the best of them, they'll start asking us again, and then we can tell them straight out that we've decided not to.

Good luck to you too! And thanks for the reply;-) It's nice to know we're not alone.

I kinda like that "delicious little secret" idea. It is a little bit fun knowing that everyone is wondering...

The fertility process was a trip. I knew it would get to me...the monthly waiting for the other foot to drop, and then not having it happen. We told ourselves, we're not the kind of people to let it get to us, because we could kind of go either way with it. But, it still did get to me. If you put in all that effort, you feel empty when nothing happens. That rollercoaster ride, on top of worrying about money, time, work, future plans, etc., caused us so many arguments and heartache. What a way to start a journey!

I just related so much to what you said about becoming obsessed with it. We want to succeed at what we do. I felt like if I was going to go for it, I had to try as hard as I could. Can't really do that without getting emotionally invested. Also, we felt obliged to tell our families because we were spending so much time and money on it, and it felt superficial to not let them know what our life was focused on during that time. It affected and impacted everything, vacation and work schedules. But of course, that just got them all holding their breath, and got us tons of questions. And everyone saying, "Why don't you adopt??" AAAAA!!! No matter how I feel about whether I have a kid or not, I'm so relieved to be out of the "trying to conceive" cycle.

I am surprised at how obsessed I actually got. For a while I'm pretty sure I was bordering on depression. I am usually a very upbeat happy person, so this totally threw me. It was definitely an emotional investment, I agree.

I'm so glad to be myself again and to be happy.

I just went and got fixed...and then when they asked...I told them I was sterile...technically..I wasn't lying..