BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids When to cut the umbilical cord...

There was an article about this exact phenomenon in US News and World Report this month:

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I can't imagine it either, but I know of a few of these instances. I have a friend from high school who is 37 years old, educated (has a masters degree), and has a decent (but not great) job. She lived on her own for awhile, but moved back with her parents. She never married, and I think she just didn't want to live on her own. I have never asked her why as it seemed too personal of a question. I just cannot imagine doing it.

I think it used to be fairly common to do this, actually. I know when my in-laws got married, they had their own place for maybe a year...then they moved into DH's grandmother's house. They basically took it over and gave the grandmother a small place to live in the back. There were eight kids in DH's family. It was a large home, but it amazes me that 11 people lived in that house at one time. Can you imagine?! Maybe the grandmother wanted it that way, but it just seems kind of unfair to her.

OMG, Cindy. That's horrible! Life can change on a dime. I think most parents would want nothing more than to help their adult child through something like this, but it would be so hard. I bet they all have a long road ahead of them. I feel so bad for all of them. What an awful tragedy.

The mental health stuff is tough. My sister is Bipolar, ADHD and a general mess. So that explains her behavior, but isn't an excuse for it. My parents tried to medicate her, but she refuses to take her medication. But instead self medicates with street drugs and alcohol.

It's hard, because on the one hand you know the person isn't right, but on the other hand, when the person is really nasty and vindictive, it makes you want nothing to do with them. At least that's how I feel about my sister.

But I'm sure you are talking about mental retardation, or other special needs situations. I agree with you completely that kids should be put out of the house once they are physically able to get a job. It doesn't help the kids when they were never forced to get a job. What are they going to do when their parents aren't around anymore? And who will hire them if they are in their 30s and have never held a job?

The problem with this model is that if the person is dependent on their own parents their entire lives, what are their kids going to learn? Kids pick up on everything. And if they see that their parents are taking handouts, or living with their own parents, where will it end?

For example, my SIL is 42 and still taking money from her parents. Oddly enough, she's a doctor, but she makes bad financial decisions. Her husband is 53, and he isn't good with money either. Their kids are 10 and 8. So, are THEY going to do the same for their kids? Support them and give them money into their 40s and 50s? No, because they won't be around for their kids b/c they had them too late in life.

The flip side of this: my MIL and FIL are 66 and 72 respectively. I know on some level they get something out of giving to their daughter. It makes them feel important, superior, and they get to judge her and gossip about her financial affairs. But seriously, when does it end?

I just find this interesting, b/c people say of the CF that we don't give back. How are parents like this going to give back to their own kids? They don't even have their own money.

I would rather scale back and move into a studio apartment than take money from my parents. I can't live like that. There's no such thing as a free ride - when you take money from someone, they can lord it over you. No thanks!

It never fails to amaze me how children think its okay to come back home if they are in trouble - even though they hate the thought of living back with their parents. Or that its okay to move in with your parents while you get your life together, if things go wrong. It's a totally selfish outlook.

It is just expected that parents will bail the kids out whenever they are in trouble.

I refuse to give any monetary support whatsoever. I have worked all my life to get what I want and if the kids can't live within their means, tough.

Not all parents are so enamoured of there children that they want them staying with at home, they also have lives to live and would probably be more than happy to see the back of the kids.

Society has fostered the idea that as parents it is your duty to make sacrifices for your kids regardless of the impact on your own life. Unfortunately some parents take 'duty' too far and are way too involved in their kids lives.

Benni
www.only-cookware.com

That is horrible beyond words. My heart goes out to your co-worker and her family.

My cousin lives at home at the age of 24 because she is just now getting her BA. She was pulled out of school a few years ago because she couldn't handle money and was racking up huge bills on her parents' credit card.

She has been offered a temporary job right away, taking over for the teacher she was student teaching for (because the teacher's having a baby.) It's with special ed kids.

I don't think she'll be moving out until she is married, and I know that won't be for a while because she and her boyfriend have discussed the steps (get engaged after graduation, plan wedding for 2 years.)

The thing is - her parents LOVE having her there. If I were them I couldn't WAIT to get her out of there! She's put them through a lot financially (dad, who is the principal of a private religious school, now has a second job on the weekends at a grocery store.) I can't believe they want her to stay.

A lot of mothers seem to enjoy the martyr trip. But THAT is what they get out of it. A lot of them, anyway. Look at how giving I am...blah blah blah. And, of course, I think a lot of the grandparents genuinely really enjoy their grandchildren. But let's be real - being grandparents to your grandchildren is very different from being parents to them.

I also think some parents are really lonely when their kids leave b/c maybe they were never that close to their partner. Or don't know what to do now that they aren't needed as full-time parents anymore. I know a lot of people that "need to be needed."

I know I've also mentioned this on the board before -but it's so insane I have to mention it again. One of my DH's gay uncles lived at home until he was 38! He's a mess - an academic, but completely helpless and dependent. He can't take his own air conditioner out of the window and one day their washing machine broke and they called DH to help. They are grown men and couldn't figure out what to do. I'm so glad we moved and won't have to hold his hand b/c the uncles are getting older, and it's only going to get worse. We so dodged a bullet on that one.

I know we've talked about taking care of parents when they age, and I'm willing to do as much as I can for our parents. But an uncle? Don't think so...

He already told my DH that he had to change his Thanksgiving plans this year b/c DH wasn't there to help him serve dinner! Pulease! He really needs to get a life. I'm so glad we moved!

I just don't understand it, one of my proudest moments in life is happening currently. My DW and I are in the process of closing on our first home after way too long of renting and bouncing around. Both sets of parents have offered financial assistance in the forms of gifts, etc. to help us out. We have been able to turn these down without worrying that we wouldn't make it, and it feels great. There is just something about not needing my parents help and suceeding in life that is very fullfilling. If I was still at home, I think the thought of my parents still helping me would eternally haunt me.

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