BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids When to cut the umbilical cord...

As CF people it's easy to take for granted our freedom, choices and options in life.
I know in this forum people often say things like, "why spend 20 years doing something that doesn't interest me"....
The 20 year bit might need to be amended - has anyone else noticed the number of mature parents supporting adult kids?
It seems to me that parents can't assume that the kids will be "off their hands" at 18 or 25 or even 35...
I personally know of several people that are still supporting adult children - the kids leave and come back when money is short or after travelling or while they're saving to buy a home or paying off debts. I know it must be difficult to say, "Look, you're on your own"...but surely, at some point you're entitled as a parent, to expect your kids to make their own way in life.
Naturally, you never stop being a parent - kids are a lifelong commitment and if they need you or fall on hard times - then you should be the first to help them.
But, having your 35 year old son living at home paying off his investment properties or continually bailing out a daughter who refuses to live within her means....what a nightmare.
One of my colleagues (62) has a 32 year old daughter who continually runs up her credit card and then comes crying to her father - he pays off her card and the cycle continues...he only paid off the card recently because she agreed to destroy the card...since then he's continually getting calls from a tearful daughter stranded somewhere and out of money - so, he had to rush off and sort it out...
Another colleague has 2 adult sons at home - the 35 year old recently said that he'd like to move out but couldn't manage the payments on his investment properties if he did.....
I think cats are easier....

My in-laws are much the same way. My BIL is 26 and still living at home, has never really held a job, pays no rent, and lives in a seperate house on the property, that he gets all to himself. The sad part is, I don't think it will ever change, he has been baby'd for so long, that its just instinct now.

My better half was quite a bit the same way, she grew up on daddy's credit cards, and the ability to use them freely without worrying about bills. When we got together, the first time she pulled out his credit card, I about had a seizure. The thought of my new father in law paying for something frivolous (I believe it was a stereo, but i can't quite remember) that we hadn't even agreed upon, was mind boggeling. It took a long time for her to get over it, and even longer before I was comfortable owning a credit card that she had access to.

Skeeter

My coworker's 33 year old son was involved in a terrible car accident last month. His wife died in the accident, and he was left paralyzed from the waist down, and just entered rehab to try to regain strength in his arms to hopefully have some level of independence. My coworker and her husband are now looking at the possibility of having to help him as he adjusts to his new limitations, or even taking care of him if he can't use his arms much. They are of course willing to do that, but it shows that parenting is never over as long as the children are alive. They are semi-retired and enjoyed traveling the world, but that may be over now. Of course, they are grateful to have their son alive, and will do whatever is needed, because they are his parents and love him.

Cindy

I 100% agree with helping a son in that situation..because he needs the help. But simply letting your child stay with you into late 20's even early 30's simple because they are not willing to make an effort seems ridiculous. It is one thing if there is a mental/physical/emotional need for staying under the parents wings. But if the only reason they havn't taken that big step is because they havn't "felt like it" then it's time to push them out of the nest.

Skeeter

I lived away from home at college, but that was only for a few years. When I was not there, I lived at home afterwards and commuted to college at GMU. After that, I stayed at home and worked while saving money for my own place. Yes, I lived rent-free under their roof, but I set aside the money that I would have paid on rent for future housing. But I hated being 24, 25 and living at home. Yes, I was given my own space, no curfews, no questions, etc -- I did go away for weekends doing stuff with people online -- but I really did not want to stay there. It was tough trying to be social and go out and not have to say that you're living with you parents at 25. When I was 26, I made arrangements to move out and be in a townhouse with my wife-to-be.

Looking back, I never did anything bad or partied or drank or anything bad like that, nor would I. But after college, I couldn't WAIT to get out on my own, supporting myself fully as soon as I could. It was tough financially back then on my wife-to-be and I back then, but we pulled through. We saved and bought our own house 11 years ago and don't even give a thought to living at home again, unless something catastrophic happened, in which case I know they would help out. But as a wiling lifestyle, to live at home with my parents? I treasure the simple freedom to do what I want, when I want. It may not be very exciting to someone else to just sit back and do nothing on an evening, but at least I am doing it on my own merits.

I consider the fallback position of "living at home" to be the position of last resort. Too bad that others don't.

Three other points: (1) What if they get divorced or lose their job then come home to live with you?
(2) What if they are special needs children who need help from you their whole life?
(3) GRANDCHILDREN. A blessing for many but also yet more responsibility, more time and money and energy taken up etc.

I know a brother and sister who are very attractive and have great social skills but they both still live at home! She's 28 and he's 34. They've never lived out on their own. Their parents have resisted it when they mentioned moving out. It's not even a cultural thing for them. The "rebel" of the family moved out when he was 18 and he's married and has a child. The two at home can't even sustain a long-term relationship.

I can't imagine having a 34 year old living at home!

My in-laws are supporting one of my husband's siblings (who is nearly 40) and have been off an on for years. She runs up tons of credit card debt and just can't seem to take care of herself. It's strange because out of three children, she's the only one who can't seem to act like an adult and live within her means. She and her children live with them and have for years. It's not something I understand.

Here is a link to a previous post I made about a couple who is taking care of their 44 year-old son.
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My aunt is 44 years old and she still lives with my grandmother. She has no job, no car, and no plans for the future. She is the cautionary tale for all of the children in our family. My grandmother is relatively young, and gets up to go to work 5 days a week. It angers me when I see my aunt being lazy, but my grandmother won't put her out. She says that no matter how old she is, she can't turn her back on her daughter. It frustrates me to no end.