BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Do we learn our CF leanings from our parents?

One thing I know for sure - our childhood experiences become part of us - for good or bad. My parents had 5 children - my parents were loving but their relationship was tested by financial pressure. My siblings and I remember the arguments about money and picking up on the tension and worry in the house. I vividly recall the day I was told Mum was expecting her 5th child - all I felt was anxiety and I was 10 years old...
I still don't understand why they had 5 children - it meant struggling financially their entire married life. Dad died at 68 - enjoying 3 years of retirement. Dad had a small amount of superannuation - certainly not enough for a comfortable retirement. Our mother lives a very comfortable life thanks to her children. It's interesting though - only one of my siblings went on to have children - we were all determined to be independent and financially secure and all thought long and hard about having children. I started to question things at a very early age....thank God!

I know that my mom loves me above all else, and I know that she absolutely wanted to be a mom. We had great times together when I was young.

But when the man who is now her husband came into the picture, I got the feeling that I was now just in the way. In fact, the only time my mom and I ever got along after he showed up was when we were on vacation alone. The rest of her time, even if she wasn't physically with him, she was obsessing over him.

I think that may have something to do with being CF. I also know it's the reason why my mom and I didn't get along when I was a teenager. I think if he hadn't been in the picture, we would have just dealt with normal teenaged stuff and not screaming fights every day.

Sadly, those years with my mom and I screaming at each other has led to that being the only way I deal with arguments with my husband. I'm working on it, though.

It's amazing how much effect our parents really have on our lives.

aint that THE TRUTH! But stay with that thought! Don't leave it there - i.e. that you and your husband now sit with the same recipe for a disasterous, non-communicative relationship! Only you can change that! Work on yourself! Read up on stuff! BUt LOTS of it! It'll move the world or at least [size:11pt] YOUR VERSION OF IT!!
gOOD LUCK! Signing out for bed now! Write some more tomorrow please!

That's a very good point. I'm CF for various reasons (I like my life the way it is even if I do get a bit lonely at times) but I think my upbringing may play a part in this decision.

My mum had me when she was just 19 and unmarried. In the early 70's this was pretty socially unaceptable (certainly in the UK, I don't know about the US), so it's a fairly safe bet to assume I was unplanned! I always knew that she loved me very much and although we were fairly poor, she always got me the best she could afford. BUT...I also got this real feeling that I was in the way and that she resented me at times for taking away her life, almost. Growing up I could never pinpoint those vibes I got but now I'm older I can see it with more clarity.

She still went on to have another child after she'd married my dad (I was 5 when they married, 8 when my sister was born) but I guess by then things were more stable in her life. Saying that, their arguments were legendary; when my mum got mad she would make loads of noise and bang all the cupboard doors - which explains why I hate loud noises even now.

These days, however, it's a completely different story. My mum is a lollipop lady (school crossing lady for those of you in the US) so works with kids all the time - and loves it. Also, when I visit them I get utterly spoiled, even though I'm in my mid 30's! I've been ill recently and my mum has been on the phone saying how she should be here making me chicken soup and all that - yet all the time I lived at home (I left at 19) she was never really maternal and she never would have done anything like that. Maybe she feels like she's making up for lost time? I dunno....

I do think my wifes parents and mine are big influences...and its both for a strange reason. We both think they did a wonderfull job in raising us, no childhood horror stories between us. But the problem is the tactics they used to raise us are now "socially unacceptable" and that scares us off. If we can't raise our children using a proven method that produces quality adults..why try? Of course this is one reason among many, but its a good one.

Skeeter

Good question happy. For me personally, I got my CF stance in part from my parents and in part from others. I had more than a few disagreements with my Dad about my career path when I was in my late teens into my early 20s. I remember my Mom mentioning on several occasions that she often felt overwhelmed taking care of my two older brothers when they were babies/toddlers. Like most people, I had some unpleasant experiences growing up. Difficulty in school and being teased on occasion are a couple examples. Overall though I would characterize my childhood/growing up years as happy. Past negative experiences and fights with my parents did influence me to be CF. The biggest reason for my CF stance is the immense financial and personal freedom I have. A short list of those benefits include:

1) Working in a field, land surveying, I like. The pay is adequate. If I had kids, all the money I am putting towards a comfortable retirement would go down the drain on raising Junior.
2) Pursuing my athletic interests. I wouldn't have any disposable income. More $ down the drain for Junior or Jemima's ballet lessons, soccer, gymnastics, college education, toys, diapers. YUCK!!!!!!!!!!
3) No time or money for charitable causes.
4) Too much worry and stress about the trouble Junior and Jemima can get into. See my post below from 2 days ago.
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I think I got mine from my parents. They were two people who just shouldn't have had children - they weren't ready and their relationship wasn't strong enough.

Not quite on point BUT how lucky are we to have the choice.
Not so long ago it was difficult to avoid pregnancy - the quality of condoms was poor and there was little else.
I was reading about Ethel Kennedy - she had lots of children - her first labour was so long and difficult she actually fractured her pelvis - it was undiagnosed so the following year she carried another child and gave birth with a fractured pelvis! I think my husband would have been sleeping in the shed!
Reading about women's lives - before painkillers, epidurals, antibiotics, caesareans etc. What a nightmare! So many left with birth injuries not to mention dead women and babies and they died terribly many having laboured for days.
Doing some research into the family tree some years ago - prior to about 1920 you start to see - "Died In Childbirth", "Died during Confinement".
and yes, I agree that our parents probably didn't think they had a choice - almost everyone had children. (if they could)
In the main, the only people who avoided parenthood were the unmarried men and women. It's interesting - looking at the family tree you see quite a few "never married" people - I actually remember a couple of them - Uncle William - gorgeous man, never married, enjoyed his own company and Great Aunt Lily - really an interesting and strong women - think she would have frightened off any potential suitors - I think spinsters were pitied but in fact, their lives were quite pleasant - she lived with her mother and hosted an afternoon tea every Tuesday, enjoyed the opera and worked as a private English tutor into her 80s!

I can totally relate. My mom once told me that parenthood was overrated. Yeah, those were her OWN words! Messed up??? Yes! And this comment was told to me while I was in my thirties and without children. Of course I have second thoughts about children! Look at who raised me!