BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Do we learn our CF leanings from our parents?

I was over my Mom's yesterday, and my Dad was helping my nephew with his homework. My Mom is usually the one that helps with homework. My Dad was screaming at him, and losing his patience. I yelled back at my Dad and told him to leave my nephew alone. It reminded me of how much of a lunatic my Dad was when we were growing up. He was always screaming at us, and didn't want to deal with anything. He would just tune out in front of the tv.

He resents my nephew sometimes b/c he doesn't want to be raising my sister's son. But I feel the same way he does about children, that they are a burden and a pain in the [censored]. I'm nice to my nephew, and always defend him when people are mean, and have a great relationship with him as his AUNT, though.

So I was talking to my fiance about this and he said I get this sense of drudgery from my parents b/c they hated parenting. I wonder how true this is. I mean, we learn so many things from our parents. And I asked my DH2B if he thought other parents liked helping their kids with their homework, and he said yes.

My parents aren't the only reason I don't want kids - believe me on that. I want freedom, quiet and the ability to follow my creative pursuits, and, as I mentioned on another thread, just having options. I don't want to get stuck in a certain relationship just b/c I had kids with someone if the relationship is bad, or have future relationships destroyed or not even be a possibility b/c I have someone else's kids. There are a million reasons why, but I think a lot of my distaste for parenting comes from my parents! Can anyone relate to this?

My parents were born in the late 40s and grew up in the 50's and 60's, when I think they felt they had to have children, because that is what they were supposed to do. My sense of their attitude, looking back on my memories in my youth and general discussions as adults, about their grandkids, are that it was tough, maybe more than they bargained for. My middle sister M still lives at home because of a mental retardation issue, my other sister K was a firecracker (but not as bad as other sisters I've read about here!) and I had my own issues.

They tried and did ok, but the more telling part of how they act is that they love being grandparents, but probably would not do it again, knowing what they know now. Us being the kids in question, they would never say that to any of us.

And us, as kids, learn what we observe, not what we are told. Actions speak louder than words -- so your supposition that you picked up on things from your parents is more right than you may think.

That is my sense of the situation.

I think there's some merit to what you say. I have often wondered if my own parents had kids because it was in The Script, not because they made a well thought out, conscious choice. I don't remember ever having a moment in my early life that indicated to me that my parents enjoyed their role. I suppose it impressed on my young mind that parenting isn't fun. That childish perception evolved with me as I gained more understanding of adult life.

Sure, I had good parenting from people that love me in their own ways (which means I totally don't "get" them or their methods of showing love), but they always gave me the sense of raising children as a "given" without me ever seeing that any benefits to the process. (Does that make any sense at all? Or am I just babbling?)

No, you are not babbling. What you are trying to say is that you saw their parenting as a "job", not a "hobby." It was a job, because it was something that they had to do, whether they enjoyed it or not. Compare that to a "hobby" -- something you LIKE to do because you get a lot of enjoyment out of the effort put into it.

I have a job that I love -- I take great satisfaction in doing computer networking and email stuff, plus I get paid well, too. Because I like doing stuff with computers, I keep doing that stuff when I get home -- it is my hobby. For others, people have jobs they hate, so they have hobbies that give them that satisfaction that their job does not give them, for whatever reason.

I think ... (I shudder to bring this up, but...) that Bratney Schmears is an perfect example of people who think that parenting is just a hobby, not a job. The only difference between her and the many other unsatisfied, overworked, unhappy parents is that Bratney gets followed by cameras and publicity hounds -- everyone else isn't. Oh, that and having money.

My 2 1/2 cents

I've often wondered this. My mother would never have had kids had she lived in a different time, and I wonder how much of that rubbed off on me. Not that she actively hated me or anything, or even that I remember her as being anything but a pretty good mother (if a bit tough - she was the disciplinarian!). But I'm sure that somewhere subconsciously I picked up on the vibe.

I'm sure it's not the be-all and end-all though. She wasn't in the least bit surprised when I told her at 19 that I definitely didn't want kids - she'd never seen any maternal leanings in me. I don't like children and I've never, ever had any baby yearnings. So I guess that rather than being the final nail in the coffin, it was almost more a validation of my choice.

I think that this idea makes a lot of sense in my situation as well. I think that like many of you, my parents who grew up in the 50s and 60s, and as a result, still had a sense that they had to follow "the script" for life. My parents were married in 74, and when I asked them what made them decide to go ahead and start with me (I was born in mid-1978), they said they just thought "We're not getting any younger; we better start if we're going to have a family...." - my brothers came along in 1981 and 1982 and that was it - Mom had her tubes tied. Needless to say, my two brothers were born close together, so that wasn't necessarily planned.

I love my parents - both of them show their love/pride/etc for us in different ways, and Mom was awesome with us growing up, while my dad was less involved with us directly, working and then coming home and preferring to watch TV and read the paper than interact with us as much as he should. I love him anyway, and I think he learned that type of behavior from his parents. My brothers have a tougher time communicating with him, but I always make the extra effort. He's the type that will tell Mom that he's proud of something one of us did or he will give us money or help whenever it's needed, but he won't say "I love you" or initiate a hug. However, I don't think that they are the type of people that would've been definite in the choice to have multiple kids, or even just one kid if they had been born later on. I kind of got the sense that raising the 3 of us was a job to them. I turned out well, but they were very strict with me, and I feel that some of that strictness would've been well-served on my brothers, who have had troubles along the way, and the middle one of the 3 of us is still trying to figure out what it means to be a responsible adult, while my youngest brother and I are working good jobs, and living healthily and happily.

My parents never pressure us about kids, and they said that it's a huge responsibility. My mom has told me that no matter how much the guy says he's going to be involved in child-rearing, the majority of the work will fall on the woman, no matter if she has a job or not, and I definitely see this all the time in life, so I cannot agree more with her there, despite the fact that my DH would definitely be more involved if we ever had a kid....I still think I'd be stuck with a lot of the work, due to the way things work right now just with keeping our house in order and taking care of our 6 cats.

Thanks for your input, guys. It's such a shame that my parents didn't realize they had the option of not having kids. But then again, they aren't that self aware, and they still don't know exactly how dysfunctional they are. And they don't want to know.

With that said, I am SO glad i dodged a bullet and neven bought into having kids. I can't imagine what my life would be like! The word is finally getting out that parenthood aint all that.

Ain't that the truth!! There were so many things I didn't get to do, while my brother got away with murder. I don't know whether it was because parents are a little more protective with girls, whether it was because bro always got to roll with me (much to my disgust!) when we were teenagers and they thought I'd look out for him, or whether they work all their stress out on the oldest and kind of forget about the ones that follow!!

That's interesting, Pikasam. My parents were like that, too. I was scared to death to do anything, and my youngest sister did all kinds of outrageous things. I have my own issues that I'm working on, of course, but I thank I'm not the one with the drug/alcohol addiction. That stuff scares me to death. I've seen drinking ruin so many families.

But you are right, they freak out over the older kids, and by the time the younger ones come around, they just don't want to deal with them. Sometimes the kids WANT their parents to say no to them.

One thing I know for sure, my parents were VERY different people. My Mother is one of those women who should NEVER have had children because she is unstable. I am sure she tried her best but living in my family was like living in a minefield. I started having panic attacks at a young age, family holidays were HELL.

For a long time I felt I couldn't have children because I might do the same to them that had been done to me. I couldn't understand the dynamic that had ruled my childhood and I didn't feel I was a strong enough person to NOT make the same mistakes.

I am adopted and I also wondered what kind of people I came from, would their genetics overrule what I had learned growing up?

My Dad wanted LOTS of kids but my parents only had 3 in the end. As long as my Father was alive, the family dynamic was turbelent but never completely out of control, when he died it went into a tale spin, I can no longer be involved with these people becaue of it.