BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Can women have it all?

To tell you the truth, I didn't even know that Martha Stewart had children.

I wonder what the difference is between a $5K adoption and a $40K one. Do certain babies cost more? It just seems like such a wide range. I've heard that it's possible to adopt for free, but I have no idea how that happens.

from what i understand with it, infants cost more because there is a larger demand/waiting list for them. whereas they cut you a "deal" on 10-14 year olds because by then, they are set in their ways/etc.


Skeeter

Cool! Buy one, get one free!

But really, thanks for answering that.

My two cousins have been on both ends of this - one (L) and her husband are continuing to try IVF (numerous attempts, no results) and one (M) chose to adopt from Guatemala. Her little boy is now 2-1/2 and she's had him since he was 5 mos old. (M) said to me once that with all the money (L) is spending on IVF, she could have adopted 3 or 4 kids. And one of the big reasons (M) and her husband chose adoption was that for the money, she was guaranteed to end up with a baby.

Skeeter, we've always said the same thing - if we're ever inclined toward kids, there are plenty out there who need homes.

Thanks for your comments - interesting stuff.
I totally agree about the endless IVF - there have been
debates in Australia as to the medicare funding of IVF and also, whether there should be a cut off - at age 45 or after so many unsuccessful attempts. I personally don't think we should fund IVF - people should pay for this sort of treatment - it's elective after all.
I also, strongly believe that women should be turned away after 2-3 attempts (even when they're paying) I think it's unhealthy to be so obsessed with producing your biological child that you go on and on..I know a woman who even stopped working so she could concentrate on the IVF treatment - after numerous unsuccessful attempts her husband issued the ultimatum - he wanted to start living again and get off the baby making mission. It's a fact that some women end up emotional and mental wrecks after years of this treatment.
AND yes, I agree that the grief experienced in your late 30s is probably the realization that you'll never have children of your own BUT for many women it's really coming to terms with a decision she made years before - a decision made consciously or unconsciously.
I also, agree that adoption is preferable to years of IVF etc.
In Australia it's almost impossible to adopt a baby but there are lots of older children looking for homes. Foreign adoption is difficult - I can't understand why it takes so long - there are lots of little girls in Chinese orphanages looking for homes - it's not all that expensive - it's more the time it takes - usually years.
Just to through a weasel into the hen house - my husband's colleague is a gay man - he and his life partner decided they wanted to have a child so retained a surrogate mother (in the US) mixed their sperm, impregnated the surrogate and recently took possession of a baby boy. The whole process cost $350,000 from start to finish....they made the newspapers in this country. What do you think? Money well spent? One of our friends said it was "no more indulgent than buying a Ferrari".

I don't consider myself a Bio Snob because I wanted to have my own child. My story is a little different. I am adopted and I never felt like there was a normal attachment to my adopted family, I always felt like an outsider. In my mid 20s I found my biological family and was never able to form much of an attachment with them either.

I of course had friends who were living with their biological family, looked like their family, had the same tastes, dislikes and so forth like their family. I wanted that in my life. I felt like having my own child was what I wanted. Not that my genes were better then anyone elses but that I wanted that experience.

I think adoption is great and of course not all circumstances are like the one I grew up in. However I do have to say that I think the way adoption is accomplished in the US is crazy, more of a background check into the persons past psychiatric problems should be done, rather then just the ONE consultation they have with a psychiatric professional. My sister who is mad as a hatter was able to adopt two children as infants, they will NEVER have a normal life because they were raised by someone with multiple suicide attempts AND a diagnoses of boarderline personality disorder. Her not being able to conceive might have been FATES way of saying to keep her away from children.

I have heard that one easy and less expensive way to adopt is to become a foster parent and adopt one of the children you care for. I was a private adoption, the doctor who delivered me had placed other children in the town I grew up in and my parents stepped forward saying they wanted to adopt a child and the doctor let them know when I was available.

I can sort of understand the case with Martha Stewarts Daughter, she wanted to have children when she was married, she waited for marriage and perhaps waited too late. I was watching a show where they talked about how much money Martha is worth and I wouldn't worry about the money its costing them to make this baby...their good.

I think its insane to think you can have it all. People who really believe that have no idea what kind of time and energy it takes to be a parent. If your paying someone else to raise your child, then your not "having it all". Of course there are alot of people out there who don't have a choice, the Mothers have to work full time and have someone to care for their kids. Its the ones who have a choice and choose to pawn their children off on others that make me particularly sick. AND to blame someone else that you fell for that lie is also irresonsible.

I don't think the your insurance company should EVER be stuck paying for infertility treatments unless its a physical abnormality that can be corrected with surgery OR an injury that you got from an accident or something along those lines that the insurance covered. Lets say you were covered by your policy and you were stabbed in the street and as a result you can't have children, then I can see the insurance company covering that. Just like your insurance doesn't cover a breast augmentation but if you have breast cancer they will cover to have plastic surgery to make your breast look normal again. The same with dental, if your in an accident and your teeth are knocked out, then your MEDICAL coverage will pay for reconstructive surgery to put them back they way they were.

Doesn't medical insurance cost enough without them paying for IVF and things like that? Thats insanity right there.

If you want to adopt an HIV-positive or drug-exposed baby, you can do that for cheap. Healthy babies (particularly white ones) go at a premium.

Been missing you guys...forget having kids and career, try just having a career and an online life! The beginning of the school year has been KICKING MY [censored]...it's been all I can do to get my work done, keep the house in some sort of minimal order, get to the gym, and stay married! The second most important concert of my school year is five (5) weeks into the first semester. Madness? Yes. Reality too, unfortunately.

I'll see much more of you folks after 10/20 ("Parents' Weekend" at the school where I teach). Until then (as they used to say on Usenet): "Meatlife beckons".

I saw the Oprah piece on Alexis Stewart. I think she is 42 or 43, actually. She said she thought of trying to get pregnant a few years ago, but Martha's issues started happening, so she put it off. I wonder if Martha is putting the bulk of the baby pressure on Alexis? She sounded so impassionate and matter-of-fact when she described what she goes through to try to get pregnant. Oprah asked her about Martha wanting a grandbaby, and Alexis's words were "She wants it desperately." That really stuck with me.

Did anyone see the segment before Alexis about the couple that blew their savings trying to (unsuccessfully) get pregnant through IVF, then decided to get a surrogate mother for their bio baby in India? Fascinating story, but...wow. I just can't imagine wanting a baby (of their own) THAT much, to go to a foreign country, go through all that. They said it cost much less than surrogacy in the U.S. (which would be $70 or $80K, I think it was about $12K in India) They talked about whether it was taking advantage of poor women in India but then likened it to U.S. companies outsourcing other work to India (I think they were joking but it seemed poor taste)! The surrogates get about $5K which is life-changing for them. Some of them use it to upgrade their homes (and I'm not talking about a new kitchen here, they live VERY sparsely) or send their own children to good schools or higher education. It really was fascinating, I just can't imagine....

Cindy

I can't imagine that either...in fact I am amazed that anyone would go to a foreign country and do that, thats a new one.

It would be interesting to track this couple and see how long their marriage lasts, if having that biological baby of theirs is going to be as wonderful as they thought.

Imagine the desperation you would have to feel to go to those lengths to have a child.