BellaOnline Forums Family Moms Need support - I hate being a mom

I read through this whole thread yesterday and haven't been able to get it out of my head. I am on the opposite end of the sprectrum in that I love being a mom. I have 5 kids and have homeschooled them their whole lives. I miscarried 3 children and it breaks my heart to this day not to still have them. My husband and I have often discussed adopting from China. Our children are our greatest joy. My heart breaks that you moms are unable to know and experience this with your own child. I don't say that with any sense of criticism, because I can tell your struggles are very real.

I am thankful for each of you who came forward and had the courage to share how you feel. I want to encourage each of you mothers not to just stop with sharing here. But, to keep seeking help. You both are saying things that raise a lot of red flags about your safety and the safety of your child. If counseling didn't work - find new counselors. If your doctors don't understand - keep talking to them until they do - or find a new one. Find support groups. But, don't sit at home with your children resenting them and hating your life. Please, get help!

Jenny T - you seem to waver back and forth between wanting your child and not wanting your child. It sounds like the reasons you don't want your child are partly depression (and it is VERY possible to still have postpartum depression after 2 years - the thoughts of killing yourself & your child are a huge indicator of that). But, it also sounds like you and your husband just really don't want to be parents.

Have you done all you can to further explore WHY that is? Talk to your doctors - your family doc; your OB; your child's pediatrician - and tell them how you feel. Maybe you act like you�re a happy mom around friends, but don't do that with your doctors. Tell them how you really feel. Ask for help.

Many new parents have unrealistic expectations of what their child is capable of. Depression can affect that, but also can lack of parenting skills or lack of nurturing skills. A 2yo is just beginning to explore the world and understand how it ticks. They are not trying to be disobedient, but are trying to test things out and see what happens. A 5yo is still learning about hygiene habits. Heck - I've seen adults leave public restrooms without washing their hands. It�s important that you talk regularly to your child�s pediatrician and understand the capabilities of your child for their age. And, also recognize that this capability can have a huge margin from one end of the spectrum to the other.

Like I said � I have 5 kids. They all potty trained at different ages. One learned when he was 2 and was totally trained within a week. Another didn�t even want to try until he was 4 but, he learned in a day. The other three took several years of trying and having accidents before they were fully trained. My first 2 kids were very calm and easy to take care of. My 3rd child screamed when he didn't get his way. My 4th child was our very high maintenance wild one and the most difficult to raise in his toddler and preschool years. My last child is more a mix of the first three. The point is � every child is unique and different, so you have to learn about your child�s personality and develop the parenting skills to cope and nurture her.

How? Take parenting skills classes; read books on parenting; join parenting groups. Learn as much as you can.

Jenny T - I hate to say it, because the thought of giving up on parenthood is so sad - but it you TRULY can't envison you and your husband enjoying raising your little girl - then I agree that adoption is a more selfless way to go � and probably healthier for your child. Many adoption agencies can help you find parents who would love her.

But, it is a permanent decision...so if you are feeling the way you do because of depression or because of not having a good support system in place to help you guys learn how to be new parents..then that should be further explored. Because there is hope and help for that. And, I'd hate to see you give up on your child when there is help for you.

The bottom line is your child's safety, health and happiness have to be the priority. It's dangerous to be alone with your child if you are having thoughts of death. If any of you moms are having thoughts of hurting yourself or your child or have already done things that have hurt them � you need to get help pronto. When you are facing such serious issues, it is dangerous to stay home all day alone with your child, feeling how you do. You need someone present with you or should put your child in a safe place like daycare or with friends until you can get those thoughts and urges under control. Whether it�s verbal or physical abuse - please don�t delay seeking help because you are embarrassed or worried you will be judged. Your child�s safety is paramount. Your safety is paramount. It's better to be honest and seek help than to stay quiet and do something you will regret forever.

If you really hate being a mom - please don't try to cope all alone. Talk to professionals and family and friends whose guidance you TRUST and build a support system around you and your child.

Please keep us updated.

Donna

Hey There, I know this is an old post, but I wanted to reply anyhow, because I experienced postpartum depression with the birth of my 2nd son. It took me a while to realize what I was dealing with, but did seek help when my husband insisted I did so. What a difference it made for me. I regret not seeking help sooner, as I feel I missed so much of the 1st year of his life. I have since had a daughter and was so scared I was going to go through the same thing. Fortunately, it did not happen again. I did however, read a great book, one that was given to me as a gift. Down Comes the Rain by Brooke Shields. Her story seems so similar to what you are saying. I think that every mom should read a book like this, whether it is that one or not, but to read someone else's personal experience can help you realize that you are NOT alone. There are others going through the same things. There is help. It will also help us to recognize what the symptoms are, so we are able to extend a helping hand, and help other moms who are going through what is a horrible black hole. P.P.D. makes you feel so alone and wrong. We know we aren't supposed to feel anything but love, and adoration for our little ones, and when we feel something different, we automatically feel isolated, and alone. That just perpetuates the cycle, and it becomes a downward spiral. There is hope and you can pull yourself out of it with medical help. If it is P.P.D., it is my experience, that all the counseling in the world will not help without medical intervention. Hope this helps at least one person!

I just read through this whole post, too. As someone who is childfree-by-choice, I do indeed feel for these moms.

But I must plead with moms who find themselves being hateful to their kids: Please get help. Hearing about treating kids so horrible made me so incredibly sad. Verbal abuse can irreversibly affect them well into adulthood. Poor kids -- they didn't ask to come here, and they got a raw deal with no say in the matter by being born to parents who now don't want 'em.

I was sad to read your posts - I can't imagine being in your position.
I don't think everyone is cut out for parenting - we're all different. My mother loves kids and had 5 - watching my mother and aunts made me realize at an early age that I probably wouldn't have children.
It annoys me that people are placed under pressure by family, friends and society to reproduce.
It takes a brave parent to admit they've made a mistake but I think your honesty is so helpful - hopefully, it will make some people think long and hard before deciding to have a child.
Good luck to you - hope it all works out and you're soon in a happier place.

I just wanted to share my story too --

I hate being a mom. My daughter is 3 and we have another on the way. I'm actually due any day now and the thought of doing it all over again is pretty unnerving.

I LOVE my daughter, I think she is the most fantastic person in the world. I also have always really loved kids, but I just hate my life as a mom. Like some of you have said, it's boring and pretty miserable. I got pregnant unexpectedly when I was 20 and didn't get any support towards having an abortion. I don't really know if I would change my decision. I love my daughter dearly. I resent both my husband and I for being so stupid though, and even now as we planned to get pregnant again so that our daughter would have a sibling, I feel like I've made the wrong decision for me ... but the right one for our family. It's hard to feel such conflicting emotions all the time.

I truly feel invisible as a mom, I feel unimportant as an individual. My husband has been extremely successful personally and I have just sat on the sidelines cleaning the house. I know there must be some kind of balance to this life, but I just can't seem to find it. I hate all the stereotypes of moms, I hate being a "mom". I hate feeling like all the people in my life encouraged and pressured me into having a family when I tried to get support from them, and told them I didn't want to. I wish I was a stronger person and would have made better decisions for MYSELF.

Hey Jenny,

Two things I want to say. First, you should defintely get checked for Post Pardum Depression - going on medication made a world of difference for me. My daugther is a toddler now and I am still taking Zoloft. It's not a miracle drug but it really has made a huge difference in my life.

Second, and this may not be very popular to say but depending on the age of your child, you should think about adoption - even open adoption.

When I was growing up, I knew plenty of kids who's mothers really didnt want to be moms. Back then, every woman felt like they had no choice but to have children. Those kids suffered as a result. Not everyone is meant to be a mother. One of my best friends is a childless woman in her forties who travels all over the world, has lots of hobbies and would be a [censored] mom.

Think about how your child is going to be effective by knowing (even subconsciously) that their parents made a mistake. I'm not judging you AT ALL! This society makes us feel like we should all want to be moms and that's just not the case. I waited until my late 30s to have my child.

You are in my thoughts

Elaine

Sarah,

Thank you so much for your post. I second Deborah's sentiments in that it takes so much courage to relay that kind of honesty, as most mothers never would.

My advice? I don't know about post partum or meds that can be prescribed for it, so maybe the folks advising on it are onto something. Though I prefer to avoid meds at all cost and instead like to see what I can do to do some hard soul-searching and fact-facing (the equivalent of "putting on your big girl panties") in order to think about things in a more healthy, positive light, I don't know if I would have really needed meds for post partum myself. Perhaps I would have. Can't say.

In the meantime, just remember that the grass is always greener on the other side. Accentuate the positive. Since I'm childfree, I'm tend to focus on the positive aspects of it, which I don't need to list here. But of course, I, like many CF people, sometimes let my mind wander to "the other side of the fence," and wonder what my life would have been like with a little one or two. Since you were so honest about posting some of your true (less than stellar) feelings about being a mom, I'll confess to some thoughts I have at times I wish I knew what being a mom was like (and for more of these sentiments, visit the CF forum and look up the post on "My CF Confessions").

1. I will never have the experience of preparing a life inside me, rubbing my belly, nuturing the miracle God gave me until it's ready for the world.
2. It must be wonderful to be in the delivery room with your husband, preparing to see your son or daughter for the first time, holding hands and coming together in tears when he or she arrives.
3. To hold that little hand for the first time, look in your husband's eyes and reflect, "We made that..." must be a galactically beautiful feeling unmatched by anything we could ever experience.
4. Watching them grow and experience the world under your care must be really neat, too. I love teaching and watching little ones sponge up what I show them and what they see on their own.

Don't think of yourself as a "sidelined" adult; rather, know that you have one of the most important jobs anyone could ever hold: You're greatly responsible for shaping another human's heart, mind and life experiences. What you do, say and show them will affect them for life. You're needed in ways this world will never need me. You're loved in ways I'll never know.

I know I'm needed, loved and appreciated in different ways by different people -- trust me, it's a regular mantra for me.

Embrace your babies, love them and start to nurture yourself -- take time for yourself when you can, pamper yourself, journal on your babies' progress in this world and how you've affected them. Best of luck to you, Sarah, and God bless you and your precious family.

HOw about adoption???? I mean I do foster care and I love it. Trust me if I could adopt them all I would.. Children are precious gifts and not everyone is blessed to have them. I don't know why you feel the way you do but seeking help is a good idea. In the mean time do what is best for your child.. There are loving people out there that would love to adopt and give your child the home and family that he/she deserves. Think long and hard about it. I am amother of 3 and love each and everyone of them plus i do daycare and like i said foster care also. No I don't claim to be perfect and never would, I just believe that all children deserve to be happy and be where they are loved and not made to feel like they were a mistake.

this stry saddens me and angers me too.. there are so many messed up kids in this world and people wonder why!!!! It is because instead of the parents doing the right thing and doing what is best for the child/children they just continue to screw up their lives. I know that sounds harsh and I apologize for that but it is the truth. Adoption would be the best thing for that little girl. Let her have a goood life There are women in prison who didn' want their kids so they got rid of them. That isn't fair either. It isn't the kids fault so give them the life they deserve. Do your part as a parent and let them be free of the pain that you cause on a daily basis. I Have foster Kids in my home that I love dearly and I can't help but feel angry towards their parents that have treated them them so badly. One little girl I have is only 3 yrs old and would rather sit in a corner then to eat with us at the table. Why you ask because that is where she was made to sit all day everyday.. I hope that she is adopted someday by loving parents that will show her nothing but love, but unil that day My family shows her everyday that she is loved and noone will hurt her again. So that is why I can't help but be a bit anger it is because of PPle that are selfish and just plain ignorant.

Hi all, happy new year to you! I just dropped by and see all these posts and glad we all had a place to voice our opinion. Since I created the first post, so let me just clarify something. My daughter is not hurt or being miserable at all. She is being loved by us, by grandparents and all our families since she is the first grand child. She is growing up as happy as she can. I am doing better now because I accept myself as a mom. It is still not easy, because we have so many things we want to do and raising a child is very time consuming (not for ppl who enjoy doing it). We will not go for adoption at this point, not any more. We explored that option, it doesn't work for us. We will continue to be parents, and do our best.
BUT rest assure, my daughter is safe and healthy, and happy, and she is the smartest kid in the world!