BellaOnline Forums Family Moms Need support - I hate being a mom

Yea, one day is better than the other. But if there is a time machine, even someone tells me it might cost my life, I will definitely jump in and go back in time to 3 years ago.

I am even thinking starting a pre-natal counseling program to help people to understand what changes might bring to their lives after having a kid. It is a huge change, but the society seems to promote the idea that it is only good changes. For most people, yes, and good for them. But for some, making a more informative decision may change their mind.

Here is my own prescription for myself:

1. Try to make more friends with happy moms, so hopefully I can feel I am one of them.

2. Find nanny or baby sitter when I feel like it, so I can spend time with my hubby. and I won't resent my child as much.

3. Do my best but knowing I can't be the perfect mom, my child has her own fate.

4. I am doing this for God, like a charity thing, so I'm doing him a favor by raising his child! LOL.

I am a single mother whose children are grown. I was very young when I had my first child, my daughter. I couldn't bond with her for a while because I resented how her father had done me. But she grew on me. She's given me three granddaughters that I am very proud of. They will take care of me when I'm old. But I am most proud of her. She divorced her husband who abused the children, went to college on her own while raising teenagers, and putting an addition on her house! She's found her calling in teaching. She is my best friend.

You really don't have a choice at this point. The best you can do is keep trying. Where would we be without our Mothers?

You Can Do It!

Thanks so much for your encouragement Leah. Both you and your daughter are strong women. I wish one day my daughter and I will become best friends.

Leah, what a great statement: WHERE WOULD WE BE WITHOUT OUR MOTHERS?

Says it all!

Keep smiling!

I hate being a mom too. I got pregnant when I was 24 and my ex hubby was on drugs and gambling. I wanted an abortion but feel like I was guilted into being a mom by my family and him.

My son has ADHD and Aspergers and is 7. My husband and I are seperated. I would say 80% of the time I hate my life and can't wait for him to go to school or go to bed.

I am always stressed out about how he is going to act. I am always worried the school is going to call. I lose my temper and say ugly horrible things and than I feel extreme guilt.

I am going to school, my husband pays 80% of our bills and student loans pay rest. I have no insurance to see a doctor and don't qualify for social services. My family is disfunctional and would not be a good option to raise my son.

When I finish school I worry I will lose every job due to his behavior problems. I really regret having him. I actually enjoyed him as a baby but still I always found motherhood to be very difficult.

Most of the time I can't stand being a mother either. I ruined everything by having a second child. With one, I could focus on her and feel pretty good about the connection we had, and the amount of attention she was getting. There was time for me, time for her, time for my husband (who is very busy as it is). But with two, I never feel like I'm giving *either* enough. I always feel guilty! And this second time around, I find I can't stand reading the same boring books over and over again, answering the same ridiculous questions while trying to take them seriously, correcting the bad behavior that won't seem to go away. Everyone says I'm so patient, but inside I'm screaming and tearing out my hair. And I'm not patient when I'm alone with them. I can't *stand* the ingratitude, the thoughtlessness, the disrespect, presumptions, and defiance. My connection with the older is in tatters - at the end of the day I don't have energy to give her some special one-on-one attention after number two is asleep, and I can tell she needs it, but I just want to go hide somewhere and cry. Every night is a struggle for something, every pleasant interaction is marred by their tyrannical impulses to quarrel, make demands, or complain. The worst part is, when I'm low on energy or feeling out of sorts, they can detect it, and they're worse than ever. And then when I finally get some time to myself I feel too rattled by everything and too resentful of my enslavement to enjoy it. Or by the time I start feeling relaxed and centered again, time's up, or it's three in the morning and I've just ensured my morning is going to be impossible.

There's really nothing I can do but keep muddling on. But I feel so terrible, my thoughts are so ugly. And it's true - kids can detect it. So really, my thoughts are not my own: I have no privacy. And it's unfair. It's when I feel the most unloving that they act the most atrociously, and I know it's because they're trying to provoke me into getting angry so that when they've apologized we'll be close again. It's a terrible pattern. And I feel so guilty. I don't want them to feel unloved. And I don't want to see myself as an unloving person. But I never miss them when they're gone and I feel like I come alive as soon as I know they're asleep. And I often fantasize about faking my own death so I could vanish out of their lives without making them feel intentionally abandoned.

I never even hint at this with other mothers I meet in person. I don't feel like it would be socially acceptable. I'm just writing this now because tonight I really needed to read about other mothers feeling this way, and reading this thread helped me feel more human.

Mazurka, that was a fantastic description of motherhood!

All of us go through that. The connection you are trying to create, the understanding, and information, you are trying to impart, is better for your health and energy, if you wait till they are older. You need to step back and not take their squabbling and energy as defiance. Observe them as giggling girls in a field of daisies. You need to keep them safe, you need to direct them to the bath to brush their teeth. You need to not allow them to demand their own way, and follow simple rules, when they can. Otherwise, let them be care free. Take your one to one bonding in the middle of chasos. Teaching one while the other is in proximity, allows the other to learn (sometimes) by osmosious. If your books have gotton stale, go to the library. And don't, I repeat don't take things so seriously, or personalize their personalities. Your kids are their own persons. I could read my child stories in the car (while driving) cause I knew the book by heart.

Moms of young kids, tend to drag along looking for a personal time out. The energy level of young children, can suck the life out of you. Allow their high energy to bang off of each other and the great outdoors, while you think, read, or workout, in their presence. People make the mistake of thinking kids can respond as an adult, when required. But, the reality is that when you try to make kids act this way, you are more apt to look/feel immature or childish. I ran laps around the yard while my boys played together. I got in shape, stayed warm, stayed interested, became mentally resilient. They had fun being what ever it was they wanted to be. I used their "foolish" time before bed, to straighten the bedroom and get organized. Climb into bed and call, 'storytime.' If they 'cut up' too much no story. They learn fast.

My first child would ignore my plea's to conform. One day a friend distracted him, this stopped the improper behavior, by a swipe of her hand, and no break in our conversation. A huge lightbulb moment for silly me.

I found managing two children, OK. The third kid was the one that broke the 'time camels' back. I was having a serious conversation, dealing with a crying spell, plus some other emergency, while cooking dinner. I discovered that the unfinished conversations, or lack of compassion, that I felt a failure for, didn't affect our family, my kids ability to grow into compassionate young men, one bit. When things get crazy, join it! Lighten up, chuck routine, and always keep your secret weapon handy; a warm hug.

PS. bath the kids together. I had three in the tub for years. Everyone crawl into one bed and read stories, together. Streamline duties, make your life more fun for you. You are allowed fun, too. We can't "control" our kids, we can only control the atmosphere.

JennyT: I really feel for you. I HATED being a mom for about the first two or three years of my child's life, and everyone kept telling me there was something wrong with me because I found it all so impossibly boring. My child was extremely difficult - colicky, tantrummy, sensory issues, it felt like he screamed all the time and I never really felt like he liked me either. Also, he frequently demanded all these rigid routines -- the same story 30 times in a row, the same conversation over and over again. I wanted to rip my head off!

Finally, when my child was in first grade, a doctor suggested that he might have Asperger's syndrome, which is actually a mild form of autism. One of its characteristics is that the child is kind of emotionally unresponsive and also REALLY likes repetitive things. Asperger children can seem incredibly boring -- and if you've ever spent a lot of time isolated with only a child like that, you can feel like you're losing your mind. Our family lived far away and only saw him on birthdays and holidays (when he misbehaved) so they always said the problem was me.

Is there a possibliyt that your child may have some underlying issue that is making it difficult for you to parent her? PLEASE, I urge you, go to your pediatrician and explain the situation. Ask them to do a full work-up. Most of what we enjoy about being moms is having the child respond to us. When the child doesn't it can be a long and lonely road -- and it's not your fault. Please consider this.

We should be a support group for each other, whats really draining is having to put on a act for the other mothers and schools. Just having someone to talk to and say what is really on our minds might help us.

momzie can you tell me more about aspergers, I was told my son may have it but he is in no way boring. That may be the adhd side of him countering the aspergers if he has it.

Dear Jennyt,

I feel exactly like you. We wanted to have our boy adopted out as a baby but there was too much pressure to keep him. Now we are miserable, and he's now 3. Everyone says it will get better, It hasn't. I hate the boredom and the prison cell that being a parent has become for me. I am going to talk to the adoption agency again but I know that I will get no support and won't be able to face the world, family, friends if we try to have him adopted. It was hard enough as a baby to make that choice, well it's even harder now. Life was happy until I got preganant. Now I am in a living hell with a beautiful healthy toddler as my prison guard. If only I could turn back time. I feel desperate most of the time.