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Joined: Mar 2007
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Chipmunk
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Chipmunk
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Do you guys ever go to the Brit Girl's site? She's CF, and has some really interesting thoughts on the subject. I really like this post - I think she makes an excellent point. If people are allowed to brag on and on about their offspring, why can't we brag about our CF lifestyle, that allows us to evolve and grow and develop our hobbies, interests and careers?

Or show pictures of our accomplishments, or just be ourselves, which includes not being burdened by children?

We have family friends that are struggling with getting pregnant, and I know they know my stance on not having kids. I have wondered if they resent me for this. But how is it my problem that I don't want what they want, when you really think about it? And, his wife is a really big woman, and I've got to think her health probably plays into her getting pregnant. It is sad, b/c she's a nanny, and I know she's really into kids. I could see their marriage breaking up over it, that's how much she wants them. It isn't his fault, I think she has a tipped uterus, but I think she will just be really unhappy without them.

Have you guys ever felt guilt about not having them when other people want them, or uncomfortable about it?

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Save your own life - don't have kids!
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Parakeet
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I'll admit it and say yes. When it comes to my parents and the way they act with their grandkids, I admit that I *do* feel a little bit of guilt, because deep down inside, I think they did want me to be the one with kids. It doesn't change my stance, especially since they don't bring the subject up again, but the guilt factor is there.

And I do feel society's 'guilt' factor at work. Even if not mentioned (and it isn't!), I feel it at a low level, because I am the only adult (I define adult here as above the age of 22 or so) in my department of 20 adults (all married), who has made the choice to NOT have a child. Everyone else is married and (now) has at least one kid. Subconsciously, I think I was comforted by the fact that my co-worker, who just announced that his wife is pregnant, did not have children. That 'comfort' level is now missing, and I feel "alone" at some deep level now, somehow. It is a hard thing to admit to, but that is what I feel.

Once again, it will not change my mind, but that feeling is still present.


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Jellyfish
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It's always disappointing when someone who you could relate to on the CF level crosses over to the other side. It's like they're suddenly a part of the big club that you will never be in. I have decided that in the Midwest it is too difficult to find married couples who are CFBC, so I choose to hang out with married people with kids who can respect my decision and can also get out of the house once in a while without taking the kids along everywhere we go.


Katie
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Jellyfish
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Oh, and to answer the question, I do feel uncomfortable talking about my choice with people who have been trying to have a baby for some time. They always have a hard time understanding where I'm coming from and I have a hard time understanding their passion to produce offspring. As for speaking up for who you are in your CF stance, I don't think anyone should be ashamed of it or try to hide how happy they are in the way their life is.


Katie
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I am CF and understand the guilt that you feel.. It's not that I opted to be CF, but because of various reasons, I could not carry past the first trimester.. I am godmother/aunt to my Mother's first grandchild and must say that the guilt I felt during my sister-in-law's baby shower left me in tears all the way home.. It was difficult to hear the words, "Isn't it something how your Mother's youngest is the first to give her a grandchild?" When the truth is.. Mom would have had 3 from me, if I hadn't of miscarried them all.. All of my friends have children and that's what all conversation revolves around.. I feel like a CF misfit and I don't think there are any clubs for that..

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Oh, I would also like to add.. Don't be ashamed to be CF.. Stay true to you and your freedom to choose how you wish to live..


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Parakeet
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All of my friends have children and that's what all conversation revolves around.. I feel like a CF misfit and I don't think there are any clubs for that.

That is why I like to hang out here -- it is a civil place to hang out and vent. You have a worldwide club here of people with like-minds. If anything, you are reminded here that "You are not alone!" Everyone has his or her own story (yes, there are guys here -- not a lot), so we do understand.

I'm sorry that you had to endure what you have. I can never truly understand those feelings, because I am not a woman. Some things are best left to the women here who can truly sympathize with those feelings. I participate here because it feels good to be able to say those things amongst people who understand.

I hope that helps a bit.

Duane

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Originally Posted By: Bettafied
Mom would have had 3 from me, if I hadn't of miscarried them all.. I feel like a CF misfit and I don't think there are any clubs for that..


OMG Bettafied - Oh, please don't feel like that! No such thing as a CF misfit!! A higher being has plans for you and the plans did not have children in them. I do hope you the best and that your happy spirits return to your soul.

Don't be hard on your self. If you desire children in your life, there are plenty of little orphans out there looking for a loving home.

Childfree freedom is not for everyone! Me, I adore being CF and it was a choice I made when I was much younger. I'm now 49 you see, and never regreted the choice I've made.

Best regards,
Pam
New York


Greetings from beautiful New York!
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Chipmunk
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Chipmunk
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Originally Posted By: Bettafied
It was difficult to hear the words, "Isn't it something how your Mother's youngest is the first to give her a grandchild?" When the truth is.. Mom would have had 3 from me, if I hadn't of miscarried them all.. All of my friends have children and that's what all conversation revolves around.. I feel like a CF misfit and I don't think there are any clubs for that..


You can be part of our club! I feel more comfortable here than I do in so many of the other places in my life. Baby showers are awful for childless and childfree people, I think. Whether you wanted kids or not, it's a kidsfest. Many of us don't go to them anymore b/c they make us so uncomfortable. It is an option.

Some communities and situations are worse than others, for sure. I'm a contractor for a pharma company, and there are a lot of CF people here. But with friends of our family, I am definitely in the minority. I tend to gravitate toward people I can relate to, and, for the most part, that isn't parents. There's always the issue too that once my friends have kids they can barely leave the house unattended. I hope you are able to find some other people that you have had similar life experiences. It sounds like you might still be processing your miscarriages, and I bet there is a support group in a local church or hospital that might be able to help with that. If I read to much into that, please disregard my advice. There's more to the world than children. Please know that. And lastly, welcome!


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Jellyfish
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Betta...I have been down a similar road to yours. I have suffered one miscarriage, not three. After a lot of pain, I am now happily childfree. That is hard for some to comprehend, but I don't worry about what others think. I do know that if you search through the childfree community you find a lot who have similar stories to your own. In fact, there is another one on this board, and there have been others in the past that have come on this board too. You are not alone. That is for certain.

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