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Jennyt Offline OP
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RNS, babyquaker, MomsPaula and all, when I saw all these replies, I don't know what to say, but tears come into my eyes. I never imagine I could get so much support, and most importantly understanding from this forum. Sometimes I thought I am such a "selfish, terrible" mother that I really don't deserve any empathy.

I tried to change like MomsPaula told me, but doing that, is like if forcing a vegitarian to eat chicken. I can definitely change, but that's not natual, I will (at least from what I can see now) never enjoy my life like you do, because what I want is fundamentally different from what I got. That's fine, because we need to accept what life gave us, so like MomsPaula says, bloom where you are planted should be our principle. But the thing is, I feel I do have a choice, and that is Adoption. If I can do this, then it seems like everything will get back on track.

Believe me, I have given so much thought about adoption that I can write a book about it. I actually agreen with RNS, and babyquaker, I believe children will be so happier if the adopted family can provide the love and stability they need. I am the birth mother, but I don't think I am the best person to raise her. 95% of the birth parents feel the unconditional love for their children, and that's the "right match". But like me, the rest of the 5% feel we don't feel the connection, so it's better for someone who have that kind of love to give to the baby. To me, that's unselfish. Because till today, I don't think my daughter is "mine", I just want her to be happy, even that means she is raised by someone else. and of course, then I will be happy.

So if things permitted, I will, Yes, I will absolutely go with adoption. But I'm being selfish, by not letting this happen. Because I don't wnat to be judged and I want to be seen as having a normal life. I am from an Asian family, my husband's family will probably disown us if we do adoption. They have been taking care of the baby for a while now, they are very attached to her. So I don't want to hurt them. I do feel trapped, many times I almost want to kill myself and the baby. My husband and I were thinking if we go with adoption, we will have to lie that my baby die from accident. and I can't do that, because I will go crazy if i keep a lie like that forever. I talked to a conselor before, she doesn't seem to think the lying part is a big problem. She feels if we want, we should do it. I don't agree, keeping that kind of lie will eventually distroy myself. So because I just want to be a normal person, we decided to keep the baby. This, is what I called being selfish. adoption, to me is a better option for the baby.

So just to tell you what my life is like now, when I go home, I do all my duties. My hubby and I are still disoriented, meaning we don't know what to hope for for every day, we just live a day at a time. We used to have plans, and get excited about them. but now, since our lives are around the baby world, we're just doing what we're supposed to. and when I am by myself, i just can't keep thinking about all the options to keep our life style unchanged, for example, find a full time nanny to be her mom, or a weekend day care to drop her off. I mean I feel truly terrible to think about this, because I should be her mom, and I should be with her most of the time and let the nanny do the chores if any. But I rather do all teh house work, but let someone else watch her. Again, I am sooooo jealous of ppl who enjoy life, with kids or not, as long as that's what you want.

LOL, i think if anyone who want to write a research paper for this topic, I can be the perfect case study.

Last edited by Jennyt; 08/20/07 04:28 PM.
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Jenny - Maybe someone already asked this, but would your husband's family be willing to adopt her?

Julie

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That'd be a good solution, because I don't mind support her financially. Unfortunetly it won't work in our situation. Grandma is very nice and takes good care of her. However, she herself also thinks baby is more a burden rather than joy. I've felt bad by asking her for help. Nobody else in our family can adopt her.

But this week, I felt I've changed a bit. My kid has grown up to be a toddler, and she is so much fun now. I really enjoy being with her sometimes. I am not as fearful as before, I like her more and more, and she does too. So feelings definitely can change... I will keep posting updates here..hopefully one day, I'll be as proud as you are.

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Jenny,
You can give the baby up for adoption. And in many cases, you can still be a part of her life if you want to. It's not a shameful thing anymore. In fact, it's a loving gesture.

If there isn't a close friend or family member who will do this, I know of someone who would be willing to. PM me if you'd like to chat.

You are not alone in how you feel. It very well could be a case of PPD. But above all, you shouldn't be fearful of what other people might think, because they are not walking in your shoes.

I agree that kids can grow on you, but they can also sense instinctively when they are not #1 - even when you think you are doing your best to cover it up.

How does your husband feel about adoption?


AJ Alexander (aka: Bubbles)
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Jenny -

It may be that you just don't like babies. I decided not to have children because while I love kids, I have no feelings for babies at all (they are just work) and I didn't feel that was a good environment to bring a child into.

However, if the grandmother herself feels that the baby is just work, she might be more willing than you think to support you in adoption.

Julie

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Originally Posted By: Jennyt

I do feel trapped, many times I almost want to kill myself and the baby.


I think you need help...URGENTLEY.
Please seriousley consider giving your daughter up for adoption. There are so many people out there who can give her the life she deserves. Its just a shame you did not realise how you felt before you had children.I am sorry for you but you need to do something and soon.There is a precious little girl caught in the middle.Her interests come first.

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Yea, I'm scared, when I had that thoughts. I know it is a serious issue. But my hubby has accepted the fact, but he just couldn't tolerate baby's crying, or disobediences. So when I saw him getting frustrated, I am so sad. I felt I really ruined 3 people's lives. But other than my hubby, who simply just wnat to move on now, i can't talk to anyone. Because, I am very different when I am in front of my friends, families. I appear to be the perfect mother. I am very cheerful, I sing, I dance, I hug my daughter a lot. But when I am by myself, I hated it so much, that I just wnat her to disappear. It is very very scary.

I do want to go with adoption, but I want to be able to be a part of her life. I also want the adoptive parents to understand I am not abandoning her, but just to give her a better mom. But I'm afraid once they adopt her, I'll be out of the picture even though they promise open adoption. But i know for my baby girl, she really deserves a mom who give her all of the unconditional love.

For my mil, she is not like me. Though she thinks babies are just work, but she is just an incredible mother and grandmother. She loves her so much she will not let us give her up. I like her and I respect her, so that's why sometimes I feel like I am doing this just for the grandparents.

Last edited by Jennyt; 08/24/07 03:26 PM.
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Originally Posted By: Jennyt
But this week, I felt I've changed a bit. My kid has grown up to be a toddler, and she is so much fun now. I really enjoy being with her sometimes. I am not as fearful as before, I like her more and more, and she does too. So feelings definitely can change... I will keep posting updates here..hopefully one day, I'll be as proud as you are.


You are "that mom" Jenny. Trust yourself and give yourself time.

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Thanks MomsPaula.

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Jenny, your posts from 8/23 and 8/24 are very different from each other. You at one point say how much fun she is, and the next you want to give her up for adoption. One thing that I haven't seen mentioned, do you really believe if you give her up, life will be all wonderful again? Believe it or not you and your husband have a bond with this child now. As she does with you. And most likely you will think about her every day. This is all so very sad.

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