BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Refreshing perspective

The article really resonated with me and captured a lot of my feelings- even though I'm still on the fence. It's not all moms- just some- but it's enough to fill me with fear.

It's been linked on another forum I frequent and caused a bit of a stir there; hopefully no major drama but shows how personally people take this issue.

I read this and was a little shocked at how some were responding. Especially, since she says she loves kids and will HAVE them. So, it is still like "you can't win" when it comes to some people. She kept referring to herself as a future mother so I am not quite sure what to say....one person even commented that the author slept with someone to get this article printed...I mean, is that even really necessary?

It's pretty sad that even moms fight with a judge other moms, probably as much as they judge the chidfree. Why is it necessary? You'd think you'd be supportive and not competitive, but I guess human nature just doesn't work that way.

Whatever. They can have it. I don't care what you think and I wouldn't ever trade places with you.

And some of the GUYS that post comments are far and away the worst. You might be a daddy (as well as being an idiot), but what do you know about being a mom? Puh-lease...

Good article...and wow, such aggressive comments. I tried to post after reading one person's opinion on the fact that people who wait too long to have kids are rediculous (my parents waited 9 years to have children, and almost didn't, and although they are older than all my friends' parents they are wonderful and I would never trade them). I realized that both sides were being very nasty to each other and jumping to conclusions: some of the CF's were assuming all mothers are bad mothers and are stupid just because they had kids, and some of the mothers were justifying their kids' horrible behavior and saying CF's were selfish, whiny, etc. I was glad to read many mothers' comments on how they agree everyone should choose their own life and how children need proper discipline.

That was a sidenote. I agree with the author, completely. I think a lot of women just ask about kids because they aren't used to someone who doesn't want them. It's hard for them to wrap their head around it (just like I have difficulty seeing why anyone would want to have kids). But anyone can see when you're offending someone, and asking about children (I think someone said this) is basically asking about sex. And that is so personal. I always get offended when people ask me, and think, "So basically you're asking about our sex life?" But I usually just try to play it off. My favorite quote of all time is from the Matrix "people can't see past the choices they don't understand". That's why I brush off their comments - I'll never be able to make them understand my stance because they don't want to (most of them).

Sorry for making this so long, by the way it's my first post and I'm happy to be in the community!

Welcome aboard!

Unfortunately, with most people that ask "those questions", they have been programmed so well that you can try to convince them of your POV for years on end, and they .. just .. won't .. get .. it. It's a waste of energy. BTW, that is one of my favorite quotes too...

It's funny....childbearing is the one area where people don't want to lord their accomplishments over others, they want others to join in. Like, if someone buys an expensive car, they want to show it off, show how much better they are than you(in not-so-many words), and they don't want you to get one, because then theirs is less special and unique.

But parents want everyone to validate their choice as the only true, correct choice. If you don't have kids and have a happy, fulfilled life, their choice is threatened. Maybe they could have been happier without kids. They certainly wouldn't have all the headache, expense, sleepless nights, etc....but they don't want that stuff put in their face. They want you to acknowledge that what they did was good and right, by doing it yourself!

Reminds me a bit of religion. Some folks can't accept that you are happy with your way of believing, they feel the need to convert you. Because if you have a happy, fulfilling life believing differently...what does that say about their religion that they have been taught is the one, true choice??

Is it just validation, or also misery loves company? If it was as wonderful as having a new car, people would want to be the only ones to have kids. My friend has asked me over and over again over the years about whether I will have kids. I have also said I won't have them. The last time she asked, I was engaged, and I think she assumed the answer would miraculously have changed. She was visibly angry when I said no. But she would have loved to say "I told you so!" if I said I changed my mind, and decided to finally fall in line with the pack. Why would someone be angry, though? I think she's jealous, that's the only conclusion that makes sense. What do you guys think?

Wow. That's strange. I wonder what she would have said if you asked her why she was angry. I bet she would have denied it. Which doesn't answer your question...I don't know. I think misery loves company is a good guess. Does she seem unhappy with parenting?

I think b/c she's going through a divorce, and is going to get stuck raising two little ones by herself (I didn't mention that part). She probably wants me to go through what she has gone through. But she's also had a cushy life in many ways and has dug her own grave by opting out of work, and not putting enough energy into her relationship with her husband. I know this by things she has shared over the years, and thought they were in danger of failing for a while.

I'm guessing if her relationship with her guy was steady, she wouldn't care that I wasn't having kids, you know? I didn't mention that part. But she has no right to be angry with me, she made her choices.

That does make sense then.

That's one thing that REALLY gets me though...when people who are divorced or raising children in a broken home situation recommend that you have kids. My mom tries to talk me into having kids, and she divorced our dad when we were very young, raised us as a single mother, and was obviously having a very hard time of it. If she expected us to have families, she did not set a very good example of it being good life choice.

I have an acquaintance who is starting a business as a life coach, but her life is a complete mess. Going to her for life coaching would be kind of the same thing... like following someone who's jumping off a bridge.