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Joined: Apr 2006
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Wolf
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Wolf
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I had made a thread about how to identify an abuser some months back. But we could not collect many tips.

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Hi All,

I have read this whole thread. I hope you don't mind me commenting.

A great book is "Women who love too much meditations" Its great for guys to.

The main message I have learnt is that "we learnt to care for growing up but not cared about" so we pick people to care for who are usually unable to mutually care which is necessary in any team especially an intimiate relationship.

My feelings guide me but at times I've still been caught out. My trouble is "most people would jump ship but I have an inherent need to make it all better long after I should walk on"

I am now capable of taking time out for myself to go to reflexology and I am a reiki healer.

I really care about my performance and so I realise others find it easy to pin their unrealistic expecations on me. My first abusive partner was very obviously critical but my most recent partner was more of a poor me - please take care of me, do not give attention to anything but me. After reading the above book I knew I had to get out of this relationship.

You see I compared him to my ex and at first he seemed to be different BUT anyone who feels its okay to not put in much at the beginning or seems to have lots of backage is a red flag for me.

We sometimes work things out in our dreams that we are too afraid to work out in the outer world.

The comments here have been amazing!

Thanks I hope to post with you all again soon. Great thread
Theressa

Joined: Jun 2007
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Hi All,

Do you know about Dr Irene who specialises in abuse. See www.drirene.com

Take care
Theressa

Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 5,004
Wolf
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Wolf
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Theressa,

Thanks for joining.

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Yes, Theressa... i'm glad you are here!

You made a very good point. Often we do know how to take care of everyone else but us. I think changing it usually starts not with finding someone else who's willing to give to us, too... but with little steps of our learning how to put ourselves first. What do you think?

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Wolf
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True. Holly.

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Hi Holly, Hi CD,

Yes I think it is about small steps. For me the biggest issue is "WEIGHT" when I am busy I don't get time for a proper lunch. I have so much to do in my job besides appointments such as research and there just isn't enough hours in the day. Even if I did get time I find it hard to get motivated to make something nutritious. Also, I find myself nipping to buy a bar of chocolate at the end of a busy day when I am starving.

My counsellor said to me "This is just an excuse to take care of everyone but you!" maybe on a sub concious level it could be?

Last night I realised the more I thought about not eating the more I wanted to eat. It is a vicious circle and in the last 12 months I've gone up 3 dress sizes.

I think I use food to escape the pressure/stress.

Any ideas of nutrious quick, tasty lunches?

I feel too knackered to exercise in the morning.

My counsellor said "Theressa you were determined with your career why not your food and diet" For me the point is I feel the urge to eat and don't feel able to stop myself. I don't eat hamburgers or ready meals. But, chocolate, crisps or something naughty like some biscuits if I feel fed up.

Thanks for all your support
Theressa

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Koala
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hi Theressa,

I don't do deprivation well, either! hahaha. So i have found with my own health i do better thinking about what i wish to ADD for my health, rather than what i am taking away. So i ADD in walking, i ADD in drinking more water (i have a goal for each day), and i ADD in eating more vegetables, and whole grains instead of refined white flour items.

When i was working, i too found it difficult to eat well, so i cleared a drawer in my desk and stocked it with healthy foods for those hunger pangs. One of the best things i found were instant cup a soups from the health food store. These are not the same as the Lipton soups... i think they were from the company Near East, but there are other companies that would work. They come in a cardboard cup, just add water. They had things like corn chowder, bean soups, split pea, and so on. They were filling and all i had to do was add boiling water, and i could keep them right there. I also would buy fruit at the store and carry some fruit with me every day. Apples keep well and have lots of fiber and are filling. It's worth it to pay for really good apples instead of the cheap ones. Frozen grapes make a great "treat" instead of ice cream on a hot day. I buy grapes, pull them off their vines, and freeze them in zip lock bags in one serving batches. Another great snack that staves off hunger are unsalted nuts... particularly raw almonds or walnuts. It satisfies "crunchiness" and you only need about a dozen for a snack. I use little bags so i'm not tempted to eat more than a serving. Research has shown nuts are not only good for our health, but people who eat a little bit of nuts daily lose weight over people not eating nuts. Carrot sticks and celery will also keep if brought from home, and now you can get baby-cut carrots which are more convenient for on-the-go.

Another thing i've done for lunch is to make large batches whenever i'm preparing food. I know what you mean about time being an issue... if you have to put in time for every healthy meal, you're just not likely to do it all the time. I'll make a batch of homemade soup for the week, or i'll make a huge salad in a big bowl or put it in gallon zip locks (saves space in the refrigerator), but i won't dress the salad... that way it will keep about four days.

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Wolf
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Theressa,

Over eating is part of depression or stress. Ho;;y has given some very good hints. Use them. Thanks.

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Hi Holly and Cd,

The adding is a good idea. I used this idea last time I really devoted time to healthy eating. thanks Holly. I have begun by adding museli for breakfast and I am enjoying it.

This year has been a real challenge of all my old behaviours. I was always trying to take care of every detail and now I am learning I have to delegate and I have to not allow myself to do it all. Also, a challenge not to buy into others manipulations which is away they dump responsibility and tasks back on to me.

The truth is I was a sucker for a sob story. Now I know empathy does not mean they do not need to act if they want their life to change rather wanting me to act so their life would change which create dependency and prevents others growing.

My new motto "It can't possibly be all up to me"

I have had alot of stress this year and alot of it has been due to lack of resources. Some of which are being ironed out now so maybe the stress will decrease.

Thanks
Theressa



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