BellaOnline Forums Beauty and Self Self Development Use your feelings as your guide

Some things reminded me recently what a powerful tool we each have to be healthier and happier. It's simply our feelings!

I learned about this years ago reading a book about verbally abusive relationships. It talked about how you don't have to be smart or able to figure out what is happening in a relationship... you don't have to get twisted 'round by the arguments... all you have to do is pay attention to how YOU FEEL and let that be your guide, and it will guide you well!

The book was talking mostly about healthy relationships... do you feel good when you are around that person and do you yourself feel healthy around them and good about yourself and confident? Or are you upset, confused, or feeling like you are helpless or inadequate? Watch how you feel around a person, and you will soon know if they are healthy for you to be around.

The idea of watching your feelings can work in everything you do, not just interactions with others, and i found it very helpful in healing, feeling more centered, at peace, and happy.

It's very simple... just pay attention to what you are feeling throughout the day, each day.

When you catch yourself feeling bad or frightened... what were you thinking about? What were you doing or had you just done? Who are you with or who were you just with?

And when you find yourself feeling better, happy, strong, at peace, relaxed... what were you just doing? what were you thinking about? who were you with?

I write these things down in a journal, particularly the good things! So that when i'm feeling blue i can be reminded. But it is also helpful to know when i am thinking too much about an unhappy subject.

The more you know what actually makes you happy and strong, and what doesn't... the more you can go in the direction that is good for you. It is a matter of first knowing what works and doesn't for you... and then doing more of what works!

Has anyone had similar experiences?

Oh yes. Definitely!

Feelings are real and often are intuitive. I always trust my 'gut feelings' even though I am more of a 'thinking ' person. If you are with someone who makes you feel 'on edge' there is usually a good reason for this.

Being a 'thinker' - I tend to believe that we need a balance between what we think and what we feel. Together, they are pretty reliable.

Patience would say that thoughts can be wrong, but feelings never lie. I still think you need to balance the two.

Ann.

Yes, I've certainly had a similar experience.

I really find that my energy level is the first indication of when I'm getting off track. When I start to feel drained, I know it's time to check in with myself. It's then that I realize I'm no longer feeling the task is enjoyable. I may have some limiting thinking or I may just be ready to move onto something else.

I consider what else I can do based on my desire and away I go again. It's funny how my energy can pick up when I was only moments ago feeling like my plug had been pulled.

For me, life really is a journey based on desire and I equate feelings with desire. At one point in my life, I was actually taught that feelings were to be ignored and that they couldn't be trusted! Now I know very clearly that my feelings are an important part of living fully alive.

Feelings are also tied in with my intuitive self and I've learned to rely on that quite heavily. As Ann suggests, I think they also protect me as well as lead me to just "know" what my next step is. How do I "know"? I just "feel it"!

I can't ignore that feelings do come out of my thinking as well. I've made a commitment to a "positive mindset" so that I don't get tripped up by negative thinking which creates toxic feelings. Funny enough, my feelings are a good indicator of when I'm off track with my thinking as well.

hi Holly, tami and ann,

does everybody have same feeling?
do evil people have same feeling as good?
What if our feelings are wrong?
Are our feelings not colored by our beliefs that we develop over years?

Holly,

I got such feelings about some places. They always made me uncomfortable but I denied my feelings.
I set up my factory in two such places and lost all I had.

das, i think our beliefs can be mistaken, and our beliefs can interfere with our happiness and well being. I think it's important to examine my own beliefs and make sure they are helpful to me. If i believe i'm unlucky, or not worth much, or unwanted, or that life is hard, or "i can't..." ... that isn't helpful. So i look for ways to change these beliefs.

But i don't think feeling it is "wrong to be sad" or "wrong to be angry" is helpful. I don't think trying to distrust or disown our feelings is helpful. We're accountable for our ACTIONS towards others, but our feelings often... not always... but often happen unconsciously, and it's difficult at times to change our feelings. It can be done... but i don't think we should ever think our feelings are "wrong."

I guess i think that because often people who have been in abusive situations have been told often their feelings are wrong. There are a couple of reasons for this... firstly, often it's our feelings that alert us we are being mistreated, so an abuser wants us to doubt the validity of our feelings, and get us to doubt ourselves and our perceptions. They'll tell us we're not supposed to be angry, or we're too sensitive, or we're being ridiculous when we complain about how we're treated or how we feel when they treat us badly. They'll even tell us we're not feeling what we think we're feeling or that we aren't motivated the way we believe ourselves to be (i've had this happen to me). But that's all rubbish!!! Secondly, we're often told our feelings are wrong, just because we're told we're wrong about anything handy... we can't do things right, we're stupid, what we say is wrong, etc... but what they are telling us is for the purpose of belittling and making us think less of ourselves so they can stay in power... it has nothing to do with the truth. It's not about the truth... that is not the object of an abuser, but rather they'll tell you whatever it takes to get advantage over you, so they'll tell you anything to get you to trust yourself less and believe them more.

Maybe my thoughts about feelings are colored by my experiences, and not the same as yours... why do you think your feelings are wrong, das? What feelings are you thinking about?

Holly,

You have explained it very well. Yes, you do write very well and it is time the world gets a book from you.
I agree with what all you say.
Especially what you said about power of the abuser has touched me.

Holly,

OK for example-

I may be in an abusive situation. My feelings tell me that something is very wrong. But my training of not hurting others confuses me. Whether I should act on my feelings or what are my beliefs?
If I tell about my abuse, I may be giving hurt to many people. The abuser, his family, my own family and so on.

What you say about feelings is absolutely right. But my belief interferes with my decision.

This was an instance and I think that many abused people have undergone this.

Tell me-

If I have been told about somethings from my childhood about how to behave etc. will that ever color my feelings?
Can that change my true feelings?

Am I making myself understood?
Your input?

Well, i don't know if i understand or not, so you tell me if i do.

Certainly if you are told or given indication as you're growing up that you're not worth much or you are expected to serve your family no matter what it costs you personally (that was my situation)... it will affect your beliefs. So will things like being raised in a family or community that tells you that you should stick with your husband no matter how he treats you (also common). Or simply the belief that you should keep supporting or helping someone in need... this is also a common belief... but sometimes that is unhealthy, if the person is an alcoholic or an addict or has some other problem they refuse to reform (this is known as "enabling," because trying to help someone who chooses not to reform aids the addiction and ultimately harms the person you're trying to help). Did i name the situation? There are probably more.

I don't think its easy to make a big change. Families often hang together in their dysfunctional pattern. It takes individual courage... and usually desparation as well... for a person to decide that enough is enough!!! ...and break with the unhealthy pattern and get out of it. But i can't think of anyone who got free who didn't think it was well worth it and the right thing to do. Usually you can't even know how great it is to be free... until you are free and the fog lifts as the situation falls behind you.

I'll tell this because it may help to understand or sound familiar... i was the youngest in my family... younger than all by at least ten years. The unhealthy pattern was in existence long before i was born into it, but i didn't know that when i was a child... it was simply my "known world." I was taught what my role was... the other family members each ran away from their own responsibilities in different ways, yet i was expected to make up the difference and care for myself and another who was not well, even though i was only a child. I didn't know any better at first... that this was odd and wrong. I only believed what i was taught to believe and i was taught that this was what i was supposed to do for family, and i believed that children are not cared for, because i wasn't.

It was my feelings though... that kept telling me things were wrong, despite what everyone in my life was saying. Misery will do that for anyone... it lets you know that a situation is WRONG, no matter what anyone says or convinces is "logical" or "good." My first attempts to get out of the situation, did not succeed. While i was still a child, i tried to get into foster care. The adults were too powerful, and everything wrong was blamed on me... they told me i was the problem. I still don't know how this was possible, but at the time i believed i was somehow at fault, because that's what i was told. Looking back, it was ridiculous to think a child was responsible for adult problems... but this is how beliefs can be twisted and manipulated in abusive situations... and how you might not understand while you're in it what is really going on.

As time passed, sometimes things were very bad, sometimes they seemed tolerable because they were not "as bad." We unfortunately all can get used to abuse and don't react as strongly to it as we used to. We think it's normal and okay because it becomes so familiar... but it is NOT the right state of things. It's only when we are finally free, when we have relief at last and clarity... that we can look back and be amazed at what we put up with and wonder why we ever believed it was acceptable, and wonder why we ever believed the lies.

It wasn't until i was an adult that i got free of the family dynamics. Free in your head is often far more important than whether or not you have contact with them. You might be free and still have contact... or you might have no contact and still be wearing invisible shackles. It's whether or not you are following the unhealthy pattern that indicates whether or not you are free. You have to break your own part in the pattern... and often that pattern is the belief that it is okay for you to be mistreated or sacrificed. The best way i know of telling whether or not i am free... is how i feel. Freedom feels light and wonderful and strong and centered and generous and confident and at peace or even happy.

For me there was a "last straw" that made me decide things had to dramatically change... there was a series of horrible events that led to the decision to break completely free. I think there often is for people who find a turning point. You don't want it to get to a "last straw" dilemma if you can help it. I know what my own was, i know what the last straw was for some other people i've known who've been in tough situations. "Last straws" are horrible, sad... often tragic or dangerous turning points.

Having grown up in an unhealthy family, my feelings more than sense or experience showed me that the way we were all living in my family... was simply crazy! I turned out to be the one to first break the pattern of belief that this was an acceptable way to live and relate to each other. In my case, because i changed and challenged them, my mother, and then my father were also able to change.

Breaking the pattern creates a paradigm shift. You break with it, because the situation is intollerable. But you don't usually understand why until after you leave... that's when the real learning begins.

When you are in an abusive situation... the abuser(s) has some kind of strong leverage over you... that's a given else you would not put up with it in the first place! It's your Achilles Heel. It can be the power adults have over children, or it can be fear for your own safety if you try to leave, fear of going against your family's approval, fear of losing your children, or as you said, fear of hurting others... even your compassion can be used to manipulate you and hold you in place. In my case it was a combination of several of these. Certainly guilt came strongly into play... i had to risk someone else's life in order for me to get free of my family's situation... and it was by far the scariest and hardest thing i've ever had to do in my life. So I can appreciate how things can hold us.

When we're in an awful situation, sometimes we wonder, "are things really that bad?" I can't weigh for you the reasons to stay, the reasons to leave and come up with the right answer for you. That decision is yours. I can tell you that those i've known who have left bad situations do not regret it. With time, as they establish healthy relationships, they are more and more glad they decided to change the unhealthy pattern.

I can tell you some things i've learned along the way, and perhaps one of these will ring a bell.

Just because you love someone, doesn't mean you should be with them. Sometimes it isn't healthy to be with someone.

If it is unhealthy for you to be with them, it is also unhealthy for them to be with you.

You can't always save someone else. You can offer them help and opportunity to heal and they can choose to accept or refuse. Supporting someone who is addicted is harming them. So is covering up their problems. They can't heal until you stop and let them deal with the consequences of their behavior. Allowing them to be responsible for their own life, is showing them respect and the faith in them that they can conquer their problem.

A "rule" is never fair or healthy if it can't be applied to everyone involved. I can't stress this one enough. Never accept someone else telling you that you have to behave a certain way and they don't. Never tell anyone else that they have to behave a certain way, when you yourself are not willing to live by that rule.

No matter what a person has suffered or how badly they've been treated, or what their social problems are, it does not excuse their treating someone else badly. Similarly, no matter how badly i have been treated, it does not excuse my lashing out or behaving badly towards another. Each of us is accountable for how we treat others.

It helps no one to play unhealthy family games so don't let yourself get sucked into them. One of those games is "secrets." If a problem is present and people are pretending it isn't there, speak up if you can. There will be reprocussions for calling people on their cr*p, but consider this... if your house is on fire you can't very well pretend the fire isn't there just because you wish it weren't... because if you don't DO something the fire will continue to burn until someone puts it out!

I hope one of these things helps.

May i ask, are you sure it would be you causing the hurt, or would you only be making known what someone else has done or is doing that is harmful and wrong?

best wishes.

Hi das, I know you addressed me earlier, but Holly puts it so well that I don't want to jump in the conversation just yet. I am watching and listening to what is being said and agreeing...

Holly, perhaps you already know you are an artist with words, but I just wanted to back up what das said about a book. Are you at least saving the inspiring words you have been posting on Bella?

Warmly, Tami