BellaOnline Forums Family Step Parenting Are Stepparents "Real" Parents?

Every relationship is different.
some children never accept their step parents, while some want to kill their own parents.
I have seen so many posts about teenagers in the forums about their parents, that now I am ready for anything.

Yeah every situation IS different.
Look at Woody Allen!

That is a difficult question. I beleive that yes, when you marry into a pre-existing family that all responsibilities within in are married. Ultimatley it depends on the family and logistics behind it. If you as a step-parent become a "mom" or "Dad" to the children the yes you have earned the right to be a "parent" to them too. However, there is a lot of "steps" out there who just carry out an inactive parental role. Those "steps" do not deserve to be dubbed a "real" parent.

Just my thoughts that is.

I think you may have watched too much Brady Bunch. That "stepfamily" situation is unrealisic and is not the norm.
Most "stepfamilies" occur when the kids are already either teenagers or even adults. There is no way that their parent's new spouse has any right to step in as a parent. They should only serve as an ally to their spouse, and never directly get involved.
My dad became remarried to a woman when I was in my mid 20's.
I was already self-sufficient and on many own for a good handful of years. She never raised me as a child, so there is absolutely NO way I could think of or refer her as "stepmom." That would be extremely disrespectful to my real mother. My dad's new wife is nothing more than a good friend technically through default by marrying my father.

HI,

I AM SURPRISED AT THIS AS MOST FAMILIES ARE BLENDED FAMILIES. SO I THINK THAT ALL PARENTS SHOULD HAVE INVOLVEMENT. PEOPLE NEED TO GET OVER THIER OWN FEELINGS OF JELOUSY.. KIDS LOVE YOU ALL. AND IF PARENTS ACTUALLY WORKED TOGETHER THEN KIDS WOULD NOT GET AWAY WITH AS MUCH STUFF. KIDS USE IT TO GET AWAY WITH STUFF AND IF BOTH PARENTS FEED INTO IT...KIDS GET AWAY WITH IT.

AS FOR DOCS..IF YOU ARE MARRIED THEN ALL PARENTS (INCLUDING STEPPARENTS SHOULD HAVE RIGHTS TO TAKE CHILD TO DOCTOR)
OTHERWISE CAUSE ISSUES FOR STEP PARENT TOMAKE APPTS. IF OTHER PARENT IS NOT AVAILABLE. (THIS IS DUMB)
ITS THE CHILD'S HEALTH).
DOCTORS NEED TO GET POLICY THOUGH SO THAT ALL PARENTS RECIEVE A COPY OF REPORTS OF CHILD.(SO IF BIO-PARENT IS NOT THERE THEN A COPY NEEDS TO BE SENT OUT.) THIS IS WHAT WE SHOULD BE FIGHTING FOR THAT ALL INFORMATION IS GIVEN TO ALL PARTIES SO NO PARENT IS MANIPULATED (BIO OR STEP) AND CHILD CANNOT HIDE THINGS.
THINGS CAN BE WORKED OUT BUT FAMILY LAW NEED TO BE UPDATED TO MAKE LAWS FAIR TO STOP FIGHTING AND LETTING KIDS BE MESSED UP THROUGH ANY PARENT LETTING THIER OWN FEELINGS TAKING OVER.

forcegx07, I grew up in a step family and I myself raised a stepfamily and I for one can tell you that a "stepfamily" situation of the Brady Bunch is neither unrealistic nor is not the norm. All step families try to live like the Brady Bunch did because ideally they did everything fairly and with love.

Unfortunately, that is not always the case. As wowreality said, some people are not really interested in being stepparents. Heck, they aren't even interested in being parents at all. You were lucky to have been part of a whole family until you were grown. I don't know if that meant that you had to live with parents who bickered or fought all the time, or maybe even had domestic violence in your midst. Some children live with that and becoming part of a step family is better than experiencing that.

Step parenting is hard and can be rewarding or excruciating. There are many factors in play. One of the things that I want to address right now is what stepmom1 has said. Some of the biggest battles my husband and his exwife had concerned the health care of his 2 daughters. We had health coverage but the wife wanted to bypass all rules and regulations and pick her own doctors. We never got any reports on the girls medical conditions, just the bills. We were always holding our heads high and never talking bad and never making waves, much like Michelle (Harmony) and others said.

The problem is that there are not enough laws to help step families remain honest and keep communication open with ex parents, just like stepmom1 said. Our children have grown up and have children of their own and we are part of their lives. We did not allow them to manipulate us, but it was very hard.

Best wishes to all those still struggling.

Trish

my husband was a step dad, he was also the dad that gave his "daughter" away the day she married. he was also the dad that took her to the doctor, went to parent teacher conferences, etc. her birthfather took her to disneyland. ya, this topic is crazy. it depends on the family. i wouldn't have given his wife (the ex), the right to anything, ever, it was hard enough dealing with him.

Yes, iwonder, you are speaking from a birth moms perspective. It seems like you consider YOUR husband, the stepdad, a "real" parent. For some reason, however, it appears that you haven't been fair concerning the stepmother, your ex-husband or HIS wife as to whether she gave her love, life and time to be a "real" parent to HER husband's daughter.

How long did your 2nd husband take your daughter to the doctor, school, etc. How many years were you married before he walked "his" daughter down the aisle? Did you pay for her wedding? Did he offer? Interesting that you make a statement that you wouldn't have given his wife (the ex) the right to anything, ever,... It sounds like YOU have some unresolved issues, iwonder. That sounds a little bitter, from a person who dealt, over 30 years ago, with a bitter person who has LONG gotten past this kind of talk!

My husband and I offered to help pay for our daughters' wedding, but their mother and her husband said they were paying for all of it. The reason was because they wanted the "stepdad" to walk each daughter down the aisle and also have the invitations printed to say that the stepdad and mom invite everybody to "their" daughter's wedding. Okay, it was another time that we held OUR heads high and did not ruin our daughter's wedding, even though she cried and was miserable because it was more her mother's dream wedding than hers. She had ALWAYS wanted both her dads to walk her down the aisle. It did make them even closer, but she was miserable during her honeymoon thinking about her father, and she couldn't wait to get home and tell him how sorry she was. Your comment about YOUR husband, her stepdad walking her down the aisle ALWAYS has two points of views. Maybe you would be surprised if your daughter were honest with you.

So you see, iwonder, as a stepmom, I love my husband's children and have given OVER half my life to them. They love me and their children love me because I'm their 'grandma'. They know that I realize that I will never take the place of their mother. She gave birth to them but she and their father could not get along (nicely put) and he didn't want to be married to her anymore. We found each other, feel madly in love and havebeen married almost 28 years.

My answer to this question is ... It does depend on the people and the family AND the situation but if the stepparents are honest and loving, and the husband and wife are in love and agree to parenting terms, then I think the stepparents are REAL. Stepparents can only be real, however, if they are legally married and not just going together or just dating. I don't believe in confusing children with all the different titles, either.

The children should be able to decide what they want to call a new stepparent. My husband's girls were young and once we got married, they wanted to call me "mom". When their mother got married, they wanted to call their stepdad "dad". Interesting to see how time changes things, however. Now that both have children, one has reverted to calling me by my first name and the other has reverted to calling her stepdad by his first name. You just never know.

Trish

Well it went like this; my dh raised my daughter from the age of 18 mos. The birth father died before she was a teen. In the 11 or so years that he was alive he managed to marry a woman who treated my daughter horribly. She resented her existance, because he liked her, he liked her more than he liked his new wife, and more than he liked her daughter, everything was my daughter's fault. And she saw him twice a year. They would fight, she was in the middle of it, she would lay in bed and hear all the comments about her, all at the ripe old age of 8 or 9. Great fun for her.

My now grown daughter has basically divorced the other family, her choice and always has been. Does she have issues with it? You bet, but they aren't parent induced, she lived it, she remembers it. Her grandmother is one cold woman. I really don't feel I need to defend my stance on step parents, some are cruel, some aren't. I could go on for hours.

I just know that my dh was the worlds best step parent, and my daughter knows it as well. I also know that her step mother wasn't, not even close. I'm sure she's a good person and loves HER children, but she didn't love mine.

Like I said before, it depends on the family and the work they put into blending a family, and a lot of that foundation needs to be built before they marry, instead of receiving a phone call, "your dad got married to a lady you've never met." Lucky you, you have a step mom. My comment to that was, I hope you gave your daughter more consideration than you gave mine. That was just stupid. And from there it got worse.

Trish, what I'm saying is that most "stepfamily" situations where the people are raised in them as kids is not nearly as common as when they happen when they are already older or as adults. And in that case, most people are not willing to accept another person as a new parent or a 3rd parent. And that has nothing to do with being a jerk or unreasonable. It's just a matter of blodd being thicker than water and since your parent's new spouse wasn't around since you are a kid, that bond was never establishesd.
The Brady Bunch scenario is NOT at all realistic.