BellaOnline Forums Family Step Parenting Are Stepparents "Real" Parents?

Hi! I'm Paula Egner, the new Stepparenting site editor.

I was reading an article the other day that mentioned the lack of legal authority stepparents have concerning stepchildren. For instance, a stepparent may not even have the right to sign and approve a child's report card or school activity permission slip.

Do you feel that stepparents should be granted the legal parental rights of biological parents? If so, should those rights become effective the day the of the remarriage, or at some later point in time?

That is such a tough question!

My husband definitely stepped into the role of step-dad with both eyes open and considers my 2 children from a previous marriage his (even if my older son does consider him the interloper at times).

And I don't think my ex would have a problem with my husband having parental rights (decision wise) as long as he didn't lose his. The two men respect each other. I'm afraid I still have hard feelings towards his wife and would have a hard time with it however - I don't think she always keeps my children on an equal basis with hers. However I will admit that this may just be my own prejudice against her speaking here (no I'm not talking color, just past experience.) <img src="/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

But many step-parents come in and the relationship with the kids is not good. There is no connection. Or the relationship with the ex and the step-parent is very hostile. I would think in that instance it could set up a very confrontational type of "control issue"- with the kids stuck in the middle. The kind of thing that the divorce was supposed to settle to begin with.

Unfortunately, laws are not written to be taken on a case by case basis; and DFACS is way too overwhelmed to check into each scenario to see what is best.

The only way I could see it being feasible is if all parents and steps agree, then grant rights; but if not, then don't. Otherwise there is just going to be fighting and battles in court all the time.

New here -- some authorities are more anal about "rights" than others. For example; one doctor's office was going to require that, if I brought my stepdaughter in for an appt., her dad also had to come with us, and authorize me in person for the future. Other docs don't, and the school also recognizes me as a legitimate legal entity. But to be fair, my stepdaughter's bio mom lives 1000 miles away.

I think every situation is probably going to be unique. My mom's husband def. to me is like a second dad. Andy my dad's wife is def.like a mom to me... But, they went both went through couple other marriages after their divorce, and I would NEVER claim them as a parent and would not want them having any legal rights on me... So, I guess it depends on age and history... and if other parent is still involved makes a difference.

When I was 8 or 9 my mother dated & eventually got engaged to a guy that wanted me to think of him and refer to him as a dad/father, etc. I found it offensive and refused even at such an early age. Even though during that time I hardly saw my real dad, I still felt a connection to him.
To me, it's disrespectful to give anybody those labels unless they are blood-related in most cases. I stand strong on this opinion because I feel strongly that we need to start bringing a sense of value in blood-related family like back in the day before the divorce rates were so high.
Now for adopted childern and kids whose real parents were or are completely neglectful, that may be another story.
"Stepparents" coming into that role when the kid is a teen or young adult and beyond should stay clear of mostly everything in terms of disciplining the kid. He/She should serve as an alley to the actual parent in giving advice and such things if & when asked for it, but that's the extent of it.

I think it depends on the situation. I cannot tell you the horror stories as a behavioral medicine RN for children and adolescents that parents and stepparents play against each other daily. Then we wonder why a child is so messed up?

There are so many dysfunctional family dynamics and this is a debate that could topple buildings.

In the end I believe it depends on how involved both BIO parents are in the child's life. If the Father or mother is essentially absent then that is a differetn issue.

I had a weekly conversation with my ADHD son's teacher and we were working VERY well together. I had been trying to pin my son's father down on a meeting with the teacher and finally said you tell me when your schedule is good.

He had just gotten married and his NEW wife used he NEW name the SAME as mine to bypass the teacher and go straight to the principle whom I had a great relationship with and DEMAND a meeting to see about Evan getting testing. She told him this Mrs. XXXXXX ((my name)her NEW married name) Evan's mom and rattled off a list of stuff she was unhappy with about his school work and set up a meeting. Then asked me in a lengthy email if she could be there. I did not know she used Mrs. XXXXXX.


Both the teacher and the principal thought I had set up this meeting. The teacher was hurt b/c I WENT above her and BEHIND her back. Luckily later that week I ran into her while picking my son from his after school art class and I sad how is he doing and she said maybe we should not be talking until the meeting and I said I am so sorry about all that and I cannot believe his wife did that and she said "IT WASN'T you?

I said of course not we had talked every week why would I do that.


Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I immediately talked to the principal and he told me yes she said Mrs. XXXX Evan's MOM.....

That IS BS!!!!

I have done everything from day one to be civil and polite and she has cut me down and ignored me and been a b*tch

So where do you draw the line?

BTW I continue to be the nice guy. I refuse to let my kids see me be a b*tch!

According to my son's psychiatrist, that is the best thing to do Erika. It hurts like crazy now to see little miss so-and-so get away with all sorts of [censored], and be able to come off smelling like roses (I've been in, and still am in your position). But one day kids grow up, and they realize which parents did the manipulating, and which ones were honest and loving with them.

Just do the best for your kids. Never bad-mouth either your ex or his new little priss, because the kids might hold it against you or see it as jealousy. They will see the truth one day!

Michelle

Thanks for the words of wisdom. As hard as it is I have been and am doing exactly as you are saying and I have always said one day they will realize on their own. The hard part is Dad has the money and the BIG house and the FUN toys and the NEW cars and...and....and....and....it is soooooooo hard waiting!!!!

I am always the bad guy being consistent with the rules and teaching them right from wrong, but it sure is hard always being the bad guy.

BTW everytime I see your picture it brightens my day!!! YOU are beautiful!!!!!!

I know how you feel!

But...

YOU are the one who is there when they have nightmares, when their first crush breaks their heart, when they have a bad day at school, etc, etc.

This is what makes our kids strong - LOVE, the other just lets them have fun.