BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Doubts? More or less as you get older.

It was pretty funny! I think he liked the flavor of the bubblebath I put in the water. He's a very goofy dog, and very curious! And his curiosity gets him in trouble sometimes! LOL!

I suspect that I'm among the younger posters here. I'm approaching 26. I've never wanted to be a mother, but I'm at the age where I think I should think about it to be sure. But I find I'm unable to do so. Every time I even try to imagine my life with a child, the same thoughts race through my mind, like a giant roadblock, preventing my imagination from creating even the "kodak moments" with a kid.

The thoughts I refer to are basically that I will never experience a moment like this again. The moment I'm in is a normal, near daily scene: I'm at my desk in a corner of the living room in a fairly tidy apartment with no noise beyond the clatter of my keyboard and hum of my computer. The cat is sleeping in her favorite arm chair, so happy with her life that she smiles in her sleep. My fiance is at work, and planning to take me out for dinner tonight. I have a couple of things I should get done, but none of it urgent and no one but me will suffer from procrastination (example: The carpets need vacuuming, but I'm the neat freak in this house- man and cat could care less if it waits a day or two). My work week just ended, and I'm thinking a bubble bath and a nap would be good for sore muscles.

In short, no one is depending on me. My time is my own. My life is my own. My brain simply will not let me get past the joy of those thoughts. And why should it? Doubts? Fear of future regret? Less and less everyday, my friends. Why give up the life I've been working so hard to build that I like this much?

Something I wrote years ago that I recently found: "I didn't like being a kid. I wouldn't wish the misery of childhood on anyone... least of all a relative."

Myrabeth: Most of my life I've had the same feeling as you, that I could not imagine a kid being in my apartment, in my life. I would try to think about the mechanics of raising a child and I could never quite wrap my brain around it. I got to the point where I finally asked myself why do I have to think about it at all. That was the sign for me that motherhood was not for me. I can't see a messy house with lots of noise and constant activity. It is just not me.

In fact, when I told a childhood friend that I was considering adoption, she stated, "you know you like your long naps on the weekends." I've always had low energy levels since I was a teenager. I guess it had something to do with my horrific periods that would last two weeks and where I would almost bleed to death each month. Trying to keep up with a little one (especially at this age), would probably do me in. LOL.

A child just does not fit into my existence.

I once had a goofy cat that used to drink the water out of the toilet bowl. He almost fell in head first one day. It was a riot to watch!!!! He was always getting himself into one predictment or another.

I spent most of my 20s thinking I would have a couple kids. I spent 29 - 31 trying to get pregnant, freaking out, going back on birth control, going to therpay (with and without husband), trying to get pregnant AGAIN, flipping out again, and going back on birth control. I'm now 33 and I ABSOLUTELY know this is the right choice for me. I'm so glad to be done with all the "do I or don't I?" cr*p. Yes, my friends are all having babies, and yes, it's annoying (for all the reasons that have been discussed on other threads) but at the end of the day I am SO glad it is my friends with the kids and not me.

I am glad I found this thread. I am 29, and will be 30 next month. I have been married for 6 1/2 years. When we got married, I said we would start trying for a child in 3-5 years. I wasn't really sure I wanted children, but assumed one day I would. So, 3 years ago, I went off the pill. We were not trying, and I avoided that time of month when I could. I figured, if it happens, it happens and I will be fine with it. I would rather be an accident than something planned. Well, 9 months ago I got pregnant. I was a mess. Suddenly, reality set in and I freaked out. I kept saying I do not want kids, but was stuck. At 6 weeks, I miscarried. I would have been due this month. Anyway, my first question to the Dr was when could I start trying again. For a month, I could not wait to try again. I thought that what happened was a way of showing me I really was ready. Then, when the time came to try again, I tried for two months, freaking out each time. I ended up in therapy, but I don't think it helped. Now, I don't know what I want. I actually see having kids as being the end of my life. The only problem is that my husband really wants a child in his life someday. And here, I feel the clock ticking. Don't think I want them, but I want him to have that child he always wanted. I have never been more confused in my life. Everyone tells me I am just not ready and may change my mind. But I am stubborn, and just dpn't see that happening. Although, I also worry of regret when I am older. It is even harder for me because I HAVE been pregnant. So if I don't have a child, I will always think about what would have been had I not lost this one. Yet, at the same time, I still can't imagine giving up my life to raise someone else. Does that make sense? I just wish I could come to a decision that would make me happy. Having a child doesn't seem to do it, yet, not having one for my husband makes me miserable as well. I am in a lose lose situation if you ask me. I know you should never do it for someone else, but I hate denying him this.

Of course, I also think that if I am going to do this, the longer I wait, the older I will be before they are out of the house and I get my freedom back.

Before I got pregnant, I assumed some day I would have kids. I still talk about "if we have a kid....". But after what I went through, having it brought to reality, well, it scares me. I almost wish it never happened so I could get back to that place when I felt it would be okay if it happens. Now, I am just not so sure. And yet, I think about this all of the time and it is eating me up inside. I almost feel that if I don't have a child, this will all consume me rather than make me start to feel better. I guess only time will tell.

The truth is, as someone else said, I WANT to want them. I just don't know how anymore.

Hey RNS,

The way you feel about babies is the way I feel about religion. I love the music; I love the people; I love the togetherness. But I just can't believe that there's a god --- what just god (in my thinking, anyway) could allow Darfur to happen? What just god would allow us to despoil the planet to the point where polar bears are drowning --- and not interfere? Where is the burning bush?

I'd like to believe; I really would. My friends who are religious seem to find a real comfort in their faith. But one simply cannot will oneself to have faith. Teetering between agnosticism and atheism, I am working on the assumption that this world, this life, is what we've got. Therefore, ethics are high up on my list (as they are for most atheists). Actually, the Golden Rule, etc., (a list of basic ethical conduct) is common across many different religions; it also happens to be plain old common sense, and a damned good idea.

My friends who have faith, and my friends who *really* wanted kids (and have them --- damn, THAT is one short list!) seem very, very happy. I am happy for them, too. I wouldn't mind living their lives. But one simply can't wish and make it so. I have my mindset and my circumstances and my values, and they all call for my not bringing another life onto this overcrowded planet. They also call for my trying to live well and ethically. If it turns out that I'm wrong, and that there is a God...well, if my living ethically and thoughtfully hasn't been enough, and I don't make it into the ultimate "in group" (heaven), then I'll just have to experience that. But I can't pretend to have a mindset other than my own while I'm here on earth.

This forum gets better by the day, folks. Thanks for the fab conversations!

I think if you have any doubts, wait. Go back on the pill and let yourself breathe a little, take some time to think it over. You're only 30, there's still plenty of time to figure out what you want. It sounds like you're leaning away from having children right now, and bringing a child into a situation like that could be a mess. Your husband should understand. I mean, what if you couldn't have children? He'd have to deal with that, and you'd both work it out. After all, YOU'RE the one who has to go through pregnancy and childbirth, not him. You'll be responsible for the bulk of baby care, no matter how much he says he'll pitch in. Just take some time, relax, and think about things, and talk to your husband. Everything will work out.

If you decide you don't want children, your husband can always have a child in his life some other way, such as being a positive influence on an underpriviliged child through Big Brothers, things like that.

Cindy

Bonsai, great post. I could have written it myself; I feel exactly the same way about religion.

RNS- it sounds like a tough situation for you, and I'm sorry you're going through it. I agree with Cookicody- there's time to think and reassess. I'd go back on the pill, and start talking it through with your husband. It may be that he also has adjusted his opinions during this process, and he definitely needs to hear how you feel. Best of luck to you, whatever happens.

RNS, I would talk to your husband about your feelings. You have time to make this decision. You and your husband can explore together whether he wants a child or wants a child in his life-this can be two different things.

My husband enjoys kids-he is going to be a high school teacher and he is a Big Brother for two kids. He loves being a Big Brother. But he loves coming home to me and our three cats. He feels that he has the best of both worlds.

Elise and emeraldwednesday, I agree with your thoughts on religion. It is hard for me to believe that you only go to this great place if you are catholic...or jewish...or baptist....or muslim...and whether you have been a good person is not necessarily relevant. I like to think that god does not discriminate. If there is a god and god does discriminate and good people our left out based on their beliefs, than I am fine to be one of those left out. There is enough discrimination in this world...and that would not be my idea of heaven.