BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage how do you get kids & hubbies to help out?

[quote=His Brandy
My teen daughter is having a lot of trouble with meeting people of like mind and maintaining a relationship.

She meets guys who try to tell her what to do or control the entire situation/relationship and she tells them where they can shove their opinions.

[/quote]

Its great that you teach them to evaluate situations themselves and not expect them to follow your choices necessarily (just as one of my daughters may choose to be a SAHM). It sounds like (from what your saying) that your daughters expectations are similar to mine. It seems sad that the young men are being forceful in their opinions etc but may I suggest that these same young men more than likely come from traditional homes where they are taught a 'womans place is in the home' and the man provides.
It can be confusing to take on a role as an independent women who provides equally finacially and shares domestic chores when what has been modelled to us is tradional roles (believe me I know this from personal experience)...
Has your daughter seen examples in her life of shared financial responsibility (ie the earning not only spending ) and examples of men who expect to share chores equally?(ie without it being 'helping')
Its one thing to see them in other families but we all know the learning that takes place in our homes from our parents...
I understand this would be a conflicting time for her...

As the mother of 2 boys and 2 girls I had always considered I was doing a diservice to my sons not to model shared responsibility with my husband but I can see that it could also cause problems with my daughters forming relationships.

I hope it works out for her and she meets people with whom she can forming lasting happy relationships. I think we are ijn the middle of a huge shift in relationships and gender 'roles' which is very difficult for todays youth..Best wishes hope things work out for her

Biscuitgirl,

I think you and I may have very different views on what equality means and what sharing responsibility for a family means.

Equality to me doesn't mean anything other than each partner's efforts towards the family are equally valuable. One is as necessary as the other. One is as worthy as the other of respect, love, attention, whatever. One person is not better than the other, we are simply different, our talents and interests are different.

True equality is not seen in who holds the paycheck and who holds the broom. Everyone has a job to do and a household or family can not run unless those things are done. Just as in business...is the boss more important than the person who takes out the trash? They are both required to running a smooth operation.

If we teach our children that the partner who chooses to maintain the home is unequal to the partner who leaves the home to work then they will indeed see the tasks of home management as less valuable. There will indeed be inequality. It doesn't work that way in my house...I do my job and I am respected and cherished for it.

My husband and I definitely share responsibility of home and family. He simply doesn't do the tasks of cooking, cleaning and some other things around the house. Why should he? He puts his share into working outside the home to make the money we need to pay expenses and obtain wants. I think that as long as a couple feels they are working together to provide for the needs of a family and hone, even if their tasks are different then they are sharing the responsibilities.

Hi His Brandy, I think , like you that if each partners work IS equally valued that IS equallity. The sad fact is that homemaking in our society is not valued as highly as earning a paycheck...(even though anyone who has even taken full responsibilty for a home knows it is). The fact that women ask 'how can I get my husband to 'help' shows the attitudes that exist about the total insignificance of homekeeping...If men truly valued and understood that keeping a home and caring for children full time (whilst he is in paid employment ) IS AT LEAST as much work as what he is doing outside of the home then why on earth would they even consider the work that needs to be done on weekends and evenings is not their responsibility to share...ie if being at home is truly considered equal to working outside the home...then each partner is valued for contributing equally between the hours of 9-5.....of course if the women has worked full time in the home between 9-5 and the man has worked the same outside the home 9-5....then why is it then considered her job to also do 90% of the remaining work...Do you see what I mean? Homekeeping has never been considered equal to paid employment. This is not because it is not...it is because of many factors...including the fact we live in a patriarchal world where men have elevated paid employment to high staus and society in general has denegrated 'womens work...hence terms like 'a lady of liesure' 'oh, Im just a house wife (I love the idea a woman is married to a house dont you)

There is VERY little recognition of what women do in the home regardless of whether they are SAHM or employed mums....

If you and your husband really both believe the work you contribute is equal then why would you not share household tasks outside of your work hours???

You mentioned before you have a lot of liesure time, perhaps your daughter (whom you mentioned before is an only child and she sounds older) but Im speaking about mums like myself with 3, 4, 5 young children.....

'My husband and I definitely share responsibility of home and family. He simply doesn't do the tasks of cooking, cleaning and some other things around the house. Why should he?'

You ask why should he....he should because he values what you do s much as earning a paycheck! Thats why. Because he recognises that caring for only one young child is equivalent (in recent studies to 2 full time jobs ) When your children was home surely he did ALL the housework in recognition you were working 2 full time jobs per week right?

I dont mena to pry but have you worked outside the home at all and if so how did you feel about it.. If your child/children are grown will you return to paid employment?

Biscuitgirl:

You brought up so many points and questions, I'll just respond in order so I can refer back to your post to give you answers.

I never really thought about if things would be different if my husband worked from 9-5. Through our marriage, he has always put in long hours, sometimes working more than one job or operating his business while working another job. 50 hours is a slow work week for him.

I doubt I'd want him doing household things even if he had a 40 hour week. We agreed to this when we married because it's how we both wanted it. Becoming a wife and mother are what I wanted to do with my life. I have passion in the things that some today don't value, I take pride in doing them. And he is perfectly content with that as his skills are better used for other things.

"There is VERY little recognition of what women do in the home regardless of whether they are SAHM or employed mums...."

Who do I need to be recognised by?

I never said my daughter is an only child. I have three children. I have a sixteen year old daughter, a twelve year old son and a three year old daughter. My children are all still home, I even educate them at home though this is something my husband takes part in.

And yes, I still have more free time than he does. I am not suggesting I prop my slippered feet up and nibble chocolates all day. It's 8:11 pm on a Saturday night and he is still working after leaving the house at 7:30 am. It takes me a maximum of two hours a day to clean the house. I spend a maximum of two hours on dinner. Schooling takes us 4 hours a day. I think I average about 8 hours on what might be called work in the home. He spends an average of eleven hours a day working out of the home.

"I dont mena to pry but have you worked outside the home at all and if so how did you feel about it."

I ran the office of my husband's business for three years.

I have filled in as my husband's helper for a week a time before. I truly can say..I was happy to be home again.

I have no plans to become employed after my children are grown. I am doing what I love now and will take the time I am not schooling them to work on my writing and other hobbies.

Hi Thanks for your response. I guess at the end of the day it comes down to different beliefs. As you can probably tell I dont believe in gender roles....ie doing or being a certain way simply because you are male or female....(if you were the male and your husband the female Im assuming that you would reverse roles? I think thats what Im understanding although I may be wrong.) however I do respect that you are totally entitled to believe in them if this is your choice.

To me the individual talents (regardless of gender and often in complete opposition to socially imposed gender roles) and flexibility of roles are extremely important and these are values we have chosen to model to our children.

many will say 'oh but my husband is better at earning money and Im better at keeping house' but the truth is we are not born with these talents they are socialised into us and we are molded by parents, society, education etc..
Your husband and yourself have chosen to model traditional gender roles to your children and this is your right too I guess we will just have to agree to disagree on this topic at least.
Just different stokes for different folks I guess.

Biscuitgirl,

It does come down to beliefs. What works for me, what makes me happy and what is right for me may not be for another.

Individuals do not fit well into small boxes. We are each too unique for that.

If you color the box "every woman should strive for this" instead of "traditional gender roles", it's still just a box at the end of the day.