BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage how do you get kids & hubbies to help out?

Hi I think the first thing you should do is to stop thinking of it as your responsibility and as them as 'helping'....For too long women have assumed responsibility for what should be a shared task....the situation will continue until women change their approach...Sure you should not have to complain endlessly and 'nag' as you say but the sad fact is that sitting around hoping others will give us a fair deal in life denies the usual selfishness inherant in all of us.....

Put simply...fairness is your ONLY if you expect and demand it....As a full time working mum of 4....I simply expect that all labour is shared...In terms of my husband he knows that we split everything...why not....we are equally responsibile....You may think this is because Im working full time? but it was the same when I was home with young children...(which he was at one time too) The person at home with children is working AT LEAST as hard as the one in paid employemnts and should complete only what can be achieved fairly after childcare responsibilities are factored in the rest should be shared...(incidently reseasrch has shown a parent at home caring for one child under 5 is working the equavalent to 2 and a half full time jobs per week).....How dare the person in paid employment assume that they should them also take on full or 90% responsibility for the chores as well!!!!!!
In terms of children...hmmm they can be trickier but the premise is the same.....learn to get a thick skin...if they dont do their share then remove privelidges, tolerate the mess (toa resonable extent and only return privelidges when their share is done....

Sorry if it sounds harsh but how serious are you about equality in your hom...if your happy to take on most and lament their lack of 'help' then probably little point in trying to change things...Incidently ....mothers, you do you children no favours with the later approach...more and more teens are growing into a world where their partners willl expect equality...to not teach them could really have a negative impact on future relationships....in my eyes...its really all about respect for one another

Good luck....hope it works out

Managing our home is absolutely not a shared responsibility. He does not ask me to share in the responsibility of making money for all our needs and I don't ask him to do daily tasks in our home

Do I work hard? Certainly. But I've been on the job with him...mine is easier and I have more free time, thank you. I do what I do out of passion for it. He does what he does out of a need to provide for us.

How does he dare to expect to not do household tasks? Because I wouldn't respect myself if he did.

sorry but I simply dont understand not respecting yourself for expecting fairness..I hope any spouses your husband choose think like you...otherwise they may have a difficult time making successful relationships work in the day and age....I hope you do realise that the way you are living is how my grandparents live...theres nothing wrong with it for you and your husband if it works for you...but children...well thats a different story...

My husband and I share the respeonsibility for both providing and chores...Why....because its fair and teaches our children several things

flexibility of roles...ie women dont care exclusivly for house whilst men 'provide'
it teaches respect for individuals
it promotes personal responsibility
we are not dictated to by religious or gender roles...


Hey but thats us....if you dont like my advise...IGNORE IT...no need to get nasty>>>>you asked for advise and them through it back at those whos opinions challege your own...sorry but I dont think thats fair

Sorry but I wanted to add...that your labour of love is absolutely no less than mine....the fact that I teach full time and share the raising of a family with my husband is as worthy as your choices...Tooo often I see SAHM take the highroad as if in some way they are 'all scrificing all giving implying other are not...I believe all mothers work its just some of us work out of the home as well..

You see what I do has as much passion....its just different.
Had I not had 7 years formal training behind me when I married the choice to be a stay at home mum may have been easier...after all I would have had little earning potential anyway...
In terms of children...I know that when I had young children at home I had a heck of less free time than my husband...
As an educator I can tell you I would never model to my children what I didnt want them to learn...so long as you realise and are comfortable teaching your children traditional gender roles with the knowledge that they will almost certainly meet partner who disgaree with them...hopefully conflict and divorce will not be the result (as so often is nowdays)

Like I said If you espouse and promote tradidional roles you really have no place then complaining about YOUR CHOICES and the disadvantages that they afford women....

Believe me having been both a SAHM and a working mum...SAHM gets a raw end of the deal

I really like your rewards system. We have one left at home (he is 15) and I really miss having a full table at dinner time. When the kids come visit sitting down to the table for a meal is my favorite time as we are all there together.

I haven't gotten nasty with you. You however, laid down some pretty harsh judgements on anyone who feels the house is their responsibility.

I never asked for advice, I was not the person who started this conversation. I shared my feelings and comments on how things work in my house since the person who did start the discussion asked how others manage.

You challenged the way we live and even insulted us for it by asking how dare a man expect that and pointing out why our methods are wrong.

My responses to you were solely on explaining why we make those choices and feel as we do. That has nothing to do with you or the choices you have made.

I am not sacrificing anything at all..that's what I was trying to say to you. I love what I do while my husband is the one sacrificing because he does what needs to be done to take care of our needs. So then why shouldn't I feel it is right to take care of domestic things instead of asking for his participation in that?

I am very comfortable with what I teach my children. We live in a small town where more than 50% of the women still stay home rather than go to work. My teen daughter already works and plans to continue to do so, as long as she is happy then that's all I can hope for her.

I was looking over the comments you made directly to me and one of your comments confused me..

"I hope any spouses your husband choose think like you...otherwise they may have a difficult time making successful relationships work in the day and age."

Are you suggesting my husband will have other spouses or am I misunderstanding what you were trying to say?

Hi, what I was trying to dsay is that if you model traditional gender roles to your kids and they then go on to meet and marry the children of mothers who strongly believe in equality..your own children may have a terrible time making their marriages work...Personally working with teens I dont know any young women nowadays who DONT expect the husband to completely share childcare and housework...the young men I know nearly always expect their partners to contibute to the income and for both husband and wife to share chores....It sounds like we come from different places but I honestly dont know anyone who lives in traditional 'man earns the money, women cleans house roles' If it suits you that is good as I said but how will it impact on your childrens future relationships in a world where shared responsibility and income generation is an expectation for most of their generation? Thas all I meant and certainly not that your husband would remarry

"If it suits you that is good as I said but how will it impact on your childrens future relationships in a world where shared responsibility and income generation is an expectation for most of their generation? "

My teen daughter is having a lot of trouble with meeting people of like mind and maintaining a relationship.

She meets guys who try to tell her what to do or control the entire situation/relationship and she tells them where they can shove their opinions.

She has no interest in being at home caring for the domestic things. She isn't certain that she wants to have children. She chose a job doing something she enjoys and intends to continue working. She has some thoughts of opening her own business.

None of her female friends are going to college. Three have already married or moved in with their boyfriends (those three do not work) and two have already had babies. One of her co-workers has quit due to having a baby and choosing to stay home to raise the child instead.

We are in a small southern town. Not every family is completely traditional but it's fairly normal to see people holding to at least a few traditional beliefs or aspects. So I really don't worry about my children as I have not raised them to think they have to live and think the way I do. I am raising them to evaluate themselves and make good choices that lead to lives of fulfillment.