BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage Cheating husband

Hi. I saw this forum and I figured maybe this will help me. I need some sympathetic ears. I can't tell my family what's going on. They will be terribly hurt. My husband's family is very sympathetic and they are on my side.

I found out not too long ago that my husband is cheating on me. Unfortunately, he said he cannot give up the woman because he has feelings for her. I love him and did not want to give him up either. So I did not make him choose. So for a couple of weeks, I was sharing him with the other woman. At the end of the day, he comes home to me. But everytime he comes home, he is still distant and does not want to communicate. He said he hates himself for ruining too many lives but he just can't choose.

Recently, the other woman broke up with him because she couldn't bear that no matter how many times they hang out together, he still comes home to me. My husband was hurt and I was there to support him. I thought after that, we'll be able to move on. He was mad at the woman for dumping him and he didn't want to speak to her again. But that only lasted for a couple of days. They are on speaking terms again. I don't know if they are back together. It's not very unlikely. He still cares for her.

He said he needs space. He needs to find himself and he needs to find out if we can still save our marriage. So now, I am about to give him that. I will move out of our apartment temporarily to give him space. My fear is, what if he realizes he won't miss me? How can I be sure he will really use this time to reflect and find himself? How can I be sure he will not use this time apart as a go signal for him to fully look at the possibility of a relationship with the other woman? I am in a tough spot. They work together so they see and talk to each other every day.

Should I just give up now? I really love him so much? How am I suppose to spend my days without him. My life was revolving around him.

Sometimes, I wish I can just die right now. I just want the pain to go away. I want the pain to go away. I want the pain to go away.

First of all, marriage is for two people, not three. Your husband needs to be a man and make a decision for himself. If you leave your apartment he may use that as the decision. If he needs "space", let him move out. Don't make it easy for him - he's the one who started everything.

I would suggest that you go to marriage consouling. If you can't afford it I believe that most cities have sliding scale consoulors to help you. If he won't go, go without him. These people are trained to help you see where your thinking is correct or faulty in viewing your problem.

Right now you are hurt and mad, which is only natural. But besides being mentally cruel to you, he is also being physically cruel - you could get a disease from this other woman.

Good luck to you.

I am not a counselor but what do you want ? Will you be able to get past this ? Even if you do get back together are you going to wonder where he is when he is late coming home ? Do you really want someone who would treat marriage vows so lightly ? How are you going to feel if he says well she broke up with me so I guess I will just stay with you ? I say sit down and decide what you want. Right now this guy is having cake and eating it to. Personally I would just get out and thank your lucky stars that you found out now. Yes divorce or any type of break up is hard but call your local hospital for groups, they usually have a list or can easily direct you to a group for you. Good luck and so sorry that you have to deal with this.

I very much agree with Cathy-don't make it easy for him! He is the one who hurt you, let him get out. He'll find out life's not easy.

You sound very desperate and my heart goes out to you. You need counseling for yourself. Please, please go to a mental health center or hospital directory and find a counselor NOW!

Do not do anything foolish. If you die, your husband will still be living his own life and you'll make life easy for any other woman he may be with.

Personally, I would not want a man who "can't choose." What did he think marriage was? Choosing to be with someone you love and commitment, that is what marriage means.

I would also be afraid of sexually transmitted diseases. If this woman partnered with your husband, you have no idea how many other partners she may have had. Your husband is putting you at serious risk. Tell your doctor and get any tests she or he recommends.

Protect yourself financially by going to a lawyer or Legal Aid Society. Discuss your problem and don't hold back. A lawyer will be very practical where you are emotional.

If you have joint bank accounts, you have the right to withdraw half or even three fourths of the money. Open a new account, in your name only, in another bank and let the bank officials know that you and only you are to have access to the money.

Your pain will go away, believe me. This man is not worth your love, your tears, or your life. Do not make anything easy for him.He is no man at all to put you through this.

You can't be sure of what he will reflect on or choose. It's his choice to make.

You can be sure that you take care of yourself and get your life in order. Your next step has to be what is good for you...with or without him.

I agree with everything Kristen said to you. Put yourself 1st. Get help for yourself. You will just make is easy for him if you allow him to do what he wants to do. I would kick him out. I had to do this in the past so I know it is not easy. I had to do this for another reason but I did it. You mentioned that you love him. It does not seem like he loves you to do this. Do you have kids too?

Would you want your daughter or son to stay with someone doing this to them? I feel bad that you are in so much pain. I could never trust someone again doing this right out in the open. He is expecting you to just put up with it so he can have a home to come to, yet go & play around. I'm sure if you were the 1 cheating he would not put up with it.

I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but it does seem that you love him more than he loves you & he knows this & is using that. This is not your fault. He is the 1 who is doing something very wrong. Please don't talk about dying. Call a hot line or go to the hospital if you feel so bad that you don't have hope. Things can get better. I know that is hard to see. He is not worth your life or time. Anything you do make sure it is to take care of yourself & your well being. Financially too. Please let us all know how you are doing. I can only give you my opinion but I do care. Thanks for reading all the good suggestions. Good luck & Best Wishes to you. SilverK, from Chicago.

How am I suppose to spend my days without him. My life was revolving around him.

This statement jumped out at me the most. You should never let your life revolve around your husband. You must have outside interests; that will be the key to moving on with your life. You cannot let one person be the be all and end all of your life...you should only depend on yourself for your own happiness. You are an important person, and you need to acknowledge that. You need to take care of you.

As for your husband, why are you feeling sorry for him? He is completely manipulating you. He has you right where he wants you. He can still have an affair, but he can come home and pout and put on this "I'm in love with two women and I cannot choose" act, but it's just an act. Do not fall for it. If he truly chose you, he would never have pursued things with another woman, and he wouldn't be trying to keep it up. I agree with the other posters that he should move out, not you. Do not make things easy on him.

Yes, broken hearts are awful. And yes, they make you feel like you want to die. But you WILL get over it. This too, shall pass. You are not the first, nor will you be the last person to ever experience this. You can build a life for YOURSELF and not base your happiness on another person.

Good luck.

Thanks to everybody who shared their thoughts, opinions, and advice.

I think my husband and I will call it quits.... it's just a very sad moment. We're just several days away from our anniversary. But maybe, it is for the best. Maybe there's somebody better for me out there. Someone who will treat me better and love me better.

Thanks again. I will keep you all posted.

Bless you! Please keep in touch.

I, for one, think you're doing the right thing for yourelf. There IS someone out there for you!