BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids New here

Timsgirl, I don't want to lecture you, or give unsolicited advice, but it concerned me a bit when you posted that your fiance did want kids someday. No disrespect intended. I'm just afraid you'll build a life together, and he'll change his mind. Please talk with him again. It may be a deal- breaker, but it's better to know now, than 10 years down the road. I don't mean to be pessimistic, just realistic. My ex- husband did this. He swore up and down that he wanted a life with me, but after three years, he decided that he really wanted kids. We divorced amicably, but it was still difficult and expensive.

Hi Mephistophelia,
I understand your concern about Tim wanting kids. I have worried about it since that first talk and we've talked about it more times than that. I've asked him before he was really sure about building a child-free life with me, and he's said yes. Now I know that could change in the near future. I'm 99.9% sure it won't, but Tim and I aren't planning on getting married for a few more years at least. Plus, he knows there's no budging me, and now (I don't know if I said this in my earlier post or not) he defends the child-free lifestyle and tells everyone that we're not having kids. His parents are fine with it so that's one other good thing. He even said to his dad the last time we were over his house that "I'm just glad they're yours and not mine," talking about his younger half sister and two brothers. But my point about how we're not marrying until most likely when I'm out of college is that he has plenty of time to change his mind. I appreciate your concern and I understand where you're coming from. I just think personally that since he's so into the child-free lifestyle now and really accepts it that he's made his final decision. Like I said, I know that could change, but I just know in my heart that he wants me and not kids, plus, I'm praying that nothing in HIS heart will change.

Oh! One more thing. To Mephistophelia, I'll talk to him about it again and will continue to do so. Not a day goes by where I don't mention something good about being childfree or something negative about having to be a parent, so it'll come up again.

And to Ingilbert---after you talk to your husband about the kid thing again and mention your points let us know how it goes! And good luck.

One of my coworkers was working from home today, and emailed me that her two kids (ages 10 and 7/8-ish?) are sick. Her 10 year old started throwing up yesterday and she took them to the doctor today and found out they had the flu, and as a bonus, the doctor told my coworker that she will probably get the flu too (her husband is on a business trip, lucky for him)! She was describing the kids' symptoms and telling me how worn out and nauseous she was becoming, and I couldn't help but feel sorry for her and think to myself "I'm SO glad that's not me!" I would be so sick myself having to clean up their sicknesses! I can clean up after the dogs when I have to if they're sick but mercifully that's rare and not as much "volume" as a kid can produce, you know? (Not trying to be gross!) I would hate to have to try to care for someone else when I wasn't feeling well, but of course she will have to do it on her own since her husband is gone!

Cindy

Just another reason I love my rabbits -- they don't barf (they are physically incapable of it).

You're rad...I wish you were my neighbor
I'm 26 and new here too. Its so nice to hear a perspective like yours from someone my age. And vive the long post! Thanks!

I just had to laugh when I read that! Martini, you are right on. My husband has muscular dystrophy and it is still his job to vacumn once a week, help put away dishes, and clean toilets and sinks.

I'm easy compared to his mother--she made him shovel his wheelchair ramp when he was a kid!

I am new here too. I saw your note on the other thread about wanting a horse. I do have a horse. It is like having a child, I think. They are very labor intensive and expensive, but I would much rather have a horse than a child. I love my four legged baby. People without horses don't understand the connection. I would not advise buying a horse without knowing exactly what you are doing. Find a trainer, take lessons, read books. I've been around horses for 25+ years and have owned my own for seven years. There is such a steep learning curve.

BTW, Those people who laugh at you are not your friends, they are idiots. Ignore them.

I concur with all your reasons for not wanting a child. I have child experience as a teacher and working in a nursery for a short while. Teaching "cured" me of romanticizing the idea of children....also seeing friends and family have kids and turn into myopic bores. People who decide not to have children think more about the subject than people who have them do! I'm almost certain.

When my husband and I got married, we both thought we would have kids...but then after really seeing how families were...and teaching, etc., we changed our minds. It was a slow process. I read lots of books on the subject. This society is geared toward procreation. It is difficult to buck the trend. But don't apologize for yourself.

Hey PMO,

Welcome!

I'm a high school teacher (I teach music) and agree that it cures one of any romanticized "vision" of children. At least parents of high schoolers have generally, by that time "gotten real" an realize that their children are not exactly God's Gift.

I worked as a groom at a horse barn in high school. Loved it. Got riding lessons on the two horses I cared for: a gigantic grade horse (half-Thoroughbred) named Dapper (hunt seat) and Toby (a dressage horse...a straight Egyptian Arabian who'd won a silver medal in the 1968 Pan Am Games). But I don't think I could hack having my own (in fact, I had a perfectly set-up barn and a nice fenced in paddock here at my house...we're letting the paddock revert to forest and the barn is now my husband's domain!)

When I get my ducks totally in a row, though I think I'd love getting a 1/4 or 1/2 lease on a horse. Nothing fancy...just hunt-seat hacking. Too bad they don't have children available for quarter or half lease for people who are curious about parenting...they could "try before they buy". I bet a lot of people would leave it at that!

Elise