BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids New here

I just want to say that I'm so glad I found this forum. I've been feeling really down lately. I'm sorry, this is going to be a long post, but I've been keeping this inside for a long time and I need to vent. Let me introduce myself.

I don't want to have children. I've never wanted children. I "babysat" all my dolls. I never pretended they were mine. I've thought about adopting since I was 12, but never actually giving birth. I'm not even sure if I want to adopt anymore.

I'm 26 and I've been married 3 years. Several of my friends have children. My sister has a 2-year-old and another due in July.

I LOVE children. I've worked with them my whole life. I taught gymnastics for 6 years. I started babysitting when I was 11. I'm the oldest of 6 cousins (my sister is my half and 6 years older.) I am so happy with my nephew. I love him, I LOVE playing with him, he is so smart and creative and special, I spend hours making him crafts. But then he goes home to my sister.

My husband wants kids. His family wants me to have kids. I'm pretty sure my mom wants to have grandchildren, and I'm her only child. My sister wants her children to have cousins, and my cousins and friends want their future children to play with my future children.

I love my husband dearly, but he can be frustrating at times. He is the most wonderful man, and frankly, I don't want to share him with a child. What kills me is that he is SO good with kids. He would be a great father. I don't want to deny him that, but why is what he wants more important than what I want?

EVERYONE knows that I don't want kids. Yet they persist. They think I'm going to change my mind. Maybe I will. But the more they talk about it, the more upset I get.

Maybe I don't want children because I have worked with kids my whole life - I've seen it all, from newborns to teenagers. Maybe it's because in school they drill it into your head that if you get pregnant, your life is over.

1) I've seen kids at their absolute worst. Imagine living with those kids.

2) Childbirth. I have no interest in pregnancy, and frankly, it scares me. I'm a private person. I don't want to throw up, I don't want to go to endless ob/gyn visits, I don't want my water to break while grocery shopping. I don't want to push something out of my body, I don't want to be cut open.

3) Financial strain. My husband tells me we can afford kids because his parents had 3 kids with no money. That just seems ridiculous. They couldn't give their kids anything. My parents divorced and my mom and I had very little for a long time. However, she went without things so that I could always have new clothes or go out to movies (although I started paying for my own stuff when I started babysitting.) Growing up, I felt like I was denying my mom her freedom. I know she didn't feel that way, but I did - and it made me angry that she put aside her own interests for me.

4) Teenagers. Babies are cute, but they're like puppies - it doesn't last forever. Unlike animals however, children talk back.

5) Peer pressure. I was one of the most popular kids in my class until we moved to a new town. The kids in my new town made my life a living hell. After all the abuse I suffered, why would I want my child to go through that? And why would I want to relive that?

6) Overpopulation. I watch "A Baby Story" on TLC with parents who already have 5 kids and go to get invitro so they can have more. Get a dog.

7) Freedom. Though I have a half-sister, I grew up an only child. Marriage is difficult enough to navigate when you're not used to sharing anything - throw another person into the mix and I have no free time whatsoever.

8) Career. I am still in the entry stages of my career - one that's not a 9-5 job (I'm an editor/videographer) and also have to work another part-time job to pay bills.

9) Goals. All I've ever wanted since I was a girl was to live in the country on a couple acres and have a horse. To me, that is what I am striving for. To me, that comes first.

10) Parents. They are getting worse and worse. I live next door to a grammar school and I work at a park district - I see hundreds of parents and children each day. Everyone thinks that their child is perfect, even though 80% of them have no discipline whatsoever.

11) Physical or Mental Issues. What happens if there are complications with the pregnancy? What if there are serious threats to my health? What if my child is born with mental or physical problems? What if my child is hit by a car or develops cancer? One of my friends has a child who was born blind due to a genetic disorder. She just gave birth to another child who could have the same problem. My sister hemorraged badly. One friend ripped her [censored] quite severely during childbirth and needed stitches. Another friend suffered pre-eclampsia, almost died, and gave birth 2 months early.

12) Each Redbook magazine issue does a profile of a "real" woman, and the women mark what they think are the three words that describe them the best. So often the three words are "mother," "nurturer," and "wife", even though they may also have a career. I don't want motherhood and wifehood to define who I am. But, it seems like if you don't give your children 100% of yourself, you are a bad parent.

13) Help. My husband can barely do a load of dishes. What happens when I have to clean the house AND raise a child? It's not his fault - he was raised in a house where his mom was a stay-at-home mom (even though they had NO money) and his dad did nothing around the house except watch TV.

My husband says that it's okay that I don't want kids. But, I think that he thinks I'm going to change my mind. I tell him that if I don't change my mind, would he divorce me? He says he never would. I think everyone thinks I'm going to change my mind. Even when I end up in tears after conversations with my family, they say "well your sister was 30 when she had her first child," or "you're only 26 - you still have a long time to think about this."

If I ever had a child, I would love it unconditionally. However, I know that there will be some resentment there on some level. That's not fair to the child, either. And I shouldn't have a child just because my family wants it.

This bothers me to no end. I'm so glad there are others out there who are like me. I was starting to think that there was something wrong with me. I don't know anyone else who doesn't ever want children. They don't want them "right now." They want them in 10 years. They think I will too.

Thanks for letting me vent. I will try to not post such long posts in the future.

Lngilbert
Welcome first.
It�s so delightful to read your sentences; as I see you have thought about your way quite rational. You have enough sane reasons to haven�t child and personally don�t think, possible changing in your attitude for future but nobody can deny any change possibility whatsoever.
Just care to won�t have child accidentally.

Hello- a lot of what you have said had me nodding in agreement, especially #12, #13 and #4. I'm new here too but so far it's been a great place to talk about this. There's a post called "what childfree means to me" that you might be interested in reading. :-)

Welcome, lngilbert.

Your post shows that you are aware of the issues of having children and are really considering all the options, possibilities and problems that can arise. I applaud you for really thinking on the issue.

As for the above-quoted section, only you and your husband (and if there is to be a kid, the kid) are important in this decision. No one else. His family and your family do not get a vote; if they want more kids in the family, THEY can have them.

If you really do not want children, then your husband either must accept that or move on. It's good to hear that he has already said that he wouldn't, but those really are the only two options. It's not possible to compromise and have half a kid or a temporary kid: just like you can't be semi-pregnant, you can't be a semi-parent. Some couples do indeed break up over this kind of decision because some people feel strongly about the issue; only you and your husband can determine whether or not that is the case here. It's really sad and offensive that so many people outside the decision feel the need to impose their opinions, especially because their comments can so often be rude and hurtful. Just remember that their feelings are not in any way relevant to this decision, no matter how pushy, passive agressive, or cruel they get.

But whichever you decide, tell your husband to get off his lazy [censored] and do some housework! He's not living in his momma's house! He's a grown-up so tell him to start acting like one! If he doesn't want to eat off the floor, then he's going to have to do the damn dishes!

Thank you for your replies. For some reason yesterday I was so upset about this. I feel much better, and I've been reading posts. I feel much less alone now.

You remind me a lot of myself! I too really love kids, particularly younger ones, preeteens make me a bit nervous but I like teens fine. Im a special education teacher and I have a class of students age 15-21 with severe physical and cognitive disabilities, although they are teenagers their funcitoning level is infant-toddler. Most of them cant speak due to their cognitive limitiations. I really love these kids and enjoy working with them. Previously I had a class of mildy cognitively disabled teens with emotional issues, and I loved them too! After working with them all day though Im kind of kidded out and like to have alone time to be with my husband and my 3 dogs and 3 cats and selfishly do whatever I want. I cant imagine coming home and taking care of a kid. I like playing with friends kids, but I like giving them back too. My husband agrees with me, so Im lucky wiht that. I too am preety young 28, almost 29, and I recognize I may change my mind, but I probably wont. Anyway I can always a dopt. Your not alone.

Bears just lost the Super Bowl. Don't tell my husband, but I knew they wouldn't win. Oh well.

I love kids a lot. In fact, when I was teaching gymnastics, parents would ask me if I had children. When I said no, they would tell me what a terrific mother I would be some day.

So why is it that so many people who make TERRIBLE parents are the ones having tons of kids? I was watching A Baby Story the other day (just briefly, I tend to not watch those!) but it was a part where the couple's third child was getting baptized. Their other two children were just running around willy-nilly during the ceremony. No one made an effort to control them. I would NEVER have acted like that, nor would any of my cousins! We would have been slapped!

Same thing at the park district - these parents make no move to discipline their children. You can tell which kids have the good parents and which have bad parents. The good parents will actually discipline their children without being angry and the children listen. The bad parents ignore their child until he or she makes a scene, then either "scolds" them in a bored tone or flies off the handle.

So why don't I want to have kids? Wouldn't you think that the people who would make good parents would be more biologically geared towards reproducing, while the bad parents would be less likely? That doesn't make sense scientifically, as parenting is more of a cultural and societal thing than biological, but one can always speculate.

Hi there I'm new too - Hi there! - all of what everyone has said really strikes a chord with me. Like you lngilbert my husband kinda wants kids (or kid) and I don't... Over the last year when my friends have been having children I've been trying to change my mind and get used to the idea of having children.

But it's like trying to make yourself like celery or something, it just isn't happening and I've been making myself quite ill as a result..

I too love children, I visit my friend and am happy to hold and feed her baby and really do think she's great. I'm 32 and I've not wanted children since I was 16 (or younger possibly). I think my husband thinks it's a "phase" I'm going through and just something that has come out of my depression - I think it's more of a cause.... The points you have above are many of the reasons I don't want children myself (I often get accused of looking too deeply into it). My other reason is that I'd have to come off my meds that are helping me to stabilise my moods during pregnancy and for several months after birth if I were to breastfeed - I have a higher liklihood of postnatal depression because of this. I live in a city with no real friends and definatelty no support network and both sets of parents live a good hour away from us - the isolation with a baby I don't want really petrifies me....

Ingilbert: Many of your reasons for not having kids are the same as mine! You are definitely not alone in your thinking. It seems like you've put a lot of thought into this which is awesome. I think that if more people put that much thought into the baby question, that more people would not have them. Don't let anyone pressure you into having a child. It's YOUR body, so you should have the final say. As for your hubby, sounds like he is okay with not having kids, but he needs to help around the house more.

Purplegirl1974: I can't believe you don't like celery! (Just kidding).... If you have a higher likelihood of postnatal depression, I think that is a very good reason for not having children. Postnatal depression is SERIOUS, and can be life threatening. There are lots of ways to enjoy the company of children without becoming a parent. And to those people who accuse you of "looking too deeply into it"... I would say that perhaps they did not look deeply ENOUGH into it before having kids.

I hear so many stories from my co-workers who have teenage kids and are struggling with teenage issues with them (the "I wants" , bad grades, lack of inclination to do anything, lack of caring). Many of them are now just looking forward to the day when they move out. The stress they are going through is serious, and I feel that ONLY people who are willing & ready to help their kids through all of the pressures of today's society should tackle this amazingly difficult chore.

jmb - hear hear!

Every parent says "I would never wish them away" there is always a silent BUT in there - whatever age they are there is the demands... 0 - pre-school 24/7 care - scary things, smelly things noisy things, tiring things, annoying things to contend with... School - they mingle with other children picking up lice, colds, bad habits, bad words, bad behaviour, you still have all of the looking after them out of school, providing them with the "essential" toy that everyone else has, weird eating, breaking things, noise etc... Teenagers - OMG! I just don't need to say anything... Then they hit 20 and are nice human beings (although my brother didn't get this until he was 24)...

I have 3 guinea pigs who are great - give them cucumber, water, clean hay, cereal and a couple of cardboard boxes and they are eternally greatful... I have 2 cats who ask nicely for food, clear their plates and sleep soundly (most of the time) - that I can handle - a kid who wipes poop all over the wall or shoves pennies up its nose and screams louder than a mneumatic drill - um, no!