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mixed up emotion, help please #286528 01/03/07 03:02 AM
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cunfusedtn Offline OP
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Please Help,

Over the past month I have started to see a girl who is absolutely wonderful. We actually met over the summer but it was not until we ran into each other in early December that our relationship and friendship began to take off. Since that time it has been like most ( i will explain in a minute) everything has clicked wonderfully between us. We have great conversation, we share many of the same interests, we are both fascinated by our unique little differences, we both share a physical attraction for each other, and perhaps the greatest attraction is our mental attraction towards one another.

On a platonic level our relationship is doing well, but we have both expressed and shared desires to grow our relationship into something more. Yet in so doing she has expressed to me her feelings of mixed up emotion. Two times now we have engaged in romantic evenings filled with deep conversation and expressions of physical attraction, yet on both occasions the morning after has yielded her complete break down.

So this is where I am really confused but before I go on you should know that I have abstained from being involved in any type of relationship my entire life (25 years) because I grew up in the midst of two miserable relationships. Yet, now that I am finally through with school and on my own, I feel ready to to become involved with someone. When I met the girl of which I have been writing, I was by no means looking for any type of relationship. I had actually planned on meeting her friend not her. As I said, we just clicked, it was a feeling I had never had before towards a girl (she is 23).

Moving back to my troubles... After both of our romantic experiences, in her breakdowns, I have learned more and more about her.

After our first experience she told me that she really liked me but was not wanting a relationship at this time. She went on to say that she had just gotten out of a two year relationship and wanted to take a break. She just wanted to be good friends for the time. As you might imagine this tore my heart to pieces and made me really blue. Yet at the same time she said that she wanted to keep on going out. Realizing that friendship should be the core of any serious relationship, I was alright with doing this for a a little while.

Now to the second experience... I again started to take her out and again we started to have a wonderful time together. Our friendship deepened and again our romance towards one another began to blossom. This time we were very open and discussed many/most of our issues and concerns beforehand, yet one thing led to another and again we found ourselves in the midst of romance. And again the next morning she had a breakdown. As I held her in my arms she professed her affection towards me but said she was not ready for a relationship. She said she was confused and then she went on to tell me that she was seeing someone else. This time my heart nearly split. I did not know what to think. She said she really liked me and wanted to be with someone like me for a serious relationship, but for the time being she just wanted to have fun. Her other friend she said was just a jerk (her words) who she "used" for sexual need.

I am so confused. Is this typical in relationships and dating? I am not angry with her I just want to resolve our misunderstanding and move froward. Is that possible? She keeps saying she wants to be friends but i don't know if platonic friendship is possible considering our innate romantic affection.

So my question is: how do I salvage this relationship and grow it into something serious? I am very patient and want to see this work and considering that our friendship is strong, I believe it can.

Please Help. Very Confused

Re: mixed up emotion, help please #286529 01/03/07 09:06 AM
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Alexandra Offline
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There is nothing to salvage if she doesn't feel the same way. I'm afraid your best bet is to take her at her word, and either move on to a more meaningful relationship with someone else, or accept her view and treat the relationship as she does.

Those, are your choices. Full stop.

Re: mixed up emotion, help please [Re: Alexandra] #289051 01/23/07 06:45 PM
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Pam_Relationships Offline
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I pretty much agree. You sound like a nice person who deserves better. Don't underestimate friendship, but keep your distance sexually. Wait for the right person who will be committed to only you.

Re: mixed up emotion, help please [Re: Pam_Relationships] #289137 01/24/07 02:20 AM
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cunfusedtn Offline OP
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Thank you both for your advice, I really appreciate it. As I said, I am in my mid twenties and she is the first person with which I have ever been intimate (so this is especially hard). I supose my naive nature associated intimacy with commitment. I guess that in the real world such ideals are only ideals not standards.

Nonetheless, somehow (this may be my naive nature) I am still believing this friendship/relationship is going to work out.

Newly realized honesty between us has shed light on the complexity surrounding the possibility of successful relationship/friendship between us.

As it turns out she came from a single parent family and grew up in the midst of a miserable eventually failed relationship. That, and her just coming out of a long term relationship, she says, makes it hard for her to commit but that she does not want to rule out commitment between us; but, at the same time, she does not want to rush into something that is going to fail. She said she is really confused... and has apologized for being misleading but at the same time she does not regret what we have done and that she has feelings for me and that those feelings are important and real.

So, I guess, I need to step back and think about the possibility of this relationship. She wants a relationship but maybe not as fast as I thought or as we were going. I agree that the intimacy must be cut back and that the friendship should continue to develop. I probably should not mention her other friend whom she says she is wrongly using, but hopefully, and I might suggest at some point that she stop seeing him (I really don't know what to do here). (suggestions please)

Perhaps, if we are both mature, there may still be a chance. Maybe I am just hopelessly naive? I do appreciate all your advice and welcome further comment and advice from all.

Thank you...


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