I have no idea what "way too hard" is! But if you're troubled by your grief consider talking to a counsellor, a priest/minister or finding a bereavement support group. Especially if you can find something for miscarriage. It sounds to me like you've done some healing but maybe not as much as you wish. A "trained professional" might be able to help you work through stuff. I'm up and down from hour to hour and minute to minute, a little more than 2 weeks after my second miscarriage. I haven't been crying, but then I don't cry much anyway, but I still feel like part of me died that day. I hope you find someone to help you through this ... all the best and God Bless.