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I will be married 37 years in January. Tonight I am so fed up. It is Christmas time again and for the last 7 years Christmas consists of me cooking a dinner and we put up a tree. No presents for each other because he doesn't believe they are necessary. No friends over nor do we go anywhere. I am 61. There is a lot to this unhappy story and I really need a place to talk. BTW it isnt only because it is Christmas that we dont do anything together. He wont visit family or any friends that we did have. No vacations although he has gone himself three times over the last five years and lied about it. Just seems to be bothering me tonight. Only discussion we seem to have is what a bad housekeeper I have become. It seems when I come home for work I just feel dead and neither of us do anything but that is all my fault. Okay I am rambling.

Well you have a choice.
Either go on as you are, or branch out and do the stuff you want to do, for yourself. Simply because he wants to play the "Bah Humbug" role, does it mean you have to go along with it? He does what he wants to do, and you get to do what you want to do. Sounds reasonable....
Is that so difficult?
Remember - Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and over again,and expecting a different result. he won't change, so I guess it's over to you.

The choice is yours.

Bellefille, that's sad, and it doesn't have to be that way. Alexandra's right, he's not going to change so you need to. Feeling dead inside is sooooo wrong. Screw cooking dinner, let him fend for himself or toss him a frozen dinner. Just walk away if he crabs on your housecleaning. Find some friends that love the holiday and spend it with them. What's he gonna do? Crab about it? You're going to get that anyway. Take the power back, hun, it's never to late to be happy, you just have to choose to do it.

It doesn't matter if you're 61 or 21; you weren't put on this earth to be miserable. You have to live your life. If you don't want to leave him for various reasosn, then you need to be "in the marriage but not part of it." Live as if he is an odious roommate that you put up with. Make new friends through classes, hobbies, and online.

One question: Was "Mr. Grumpy Bah Humbug" always like this?

Gee I was really down last night to have posted here. I have never done that anywhere before. There is a whole lot to this story that I dont have space to write. My main problem seems to be I cant seem to look after myself. By that I mean my self-esteem is so low and I dont know how to work on it. After a long and unhappy marriage (alcoholism, lies, women, etc) I thought we had settled down and we seemed to be comfortable together. Then in 1999 I found he was chatting online. Then a woman arrived to visit him from south in Feb. No one comes north in Feb for a vacation and he was also on chat lines saying he was divorced, etc. So I made him leave. That was our third separation. He hasn't drank since 1983. He was gone a year and the whole time he was after me trying to come home. He sent flowers. When I got home from work he would either be in the yard or on the computer or phone. He really courted me. I didnt have time to get over the breakup and start fresh by myself but I didnt want to have him come back. But he begged and so after a year I gave in. Since then it has been no Christmas, birthday, vacations together, dinner out or anything. He now says he had to come back because I was depressed, the house was dirty and he had to look after me. We were living in a mobile home for 33 years at the time. So he wanted to sell and move to an apt, no responsibilities. I didnt want to but I gave in. At the time I said you take half the money and I will take half and we will go our separate ways. But he wanted to stay together. So here we are in a lovely apt which I really like but could not afford on my own and we are like room mates. When we got married I was 139 lbs. Now I am 260. I need to learn how to make my own life, take care of myself, get healthy while still living here at least for another year. I am nuts arent I.

If you want honesty then keep reading...you won't get healthy and learn to take car of you while staying there and living with him. If you have not by now, your not going to do it in another year. It is because of your relationship with him that you are unhealthy and depressed and have no self esteem.

If you do decide to stay then decide what you want for christmas, birthday etc and go buy it. Do not rely on other people to provide your own happiness and needs. Regardless of who you are with or whether your marriage is a good one or the pits you still have to tell the good spouse WHAT you want for christmas. Spouses are not meant to read minds and emotions and are NOT psychic, for us to expect them to be such is simply setting our marriage and relationship up for disaster.

IF he or she is doing somethng small or BIG that drives you insane you have to in all fairness tell them. To suddenly EXPLODE on them is not fair. I love people who say you have been doing that everyday for 7 years and you make me crazy everytime you do it and the other one says OMG I did not know that!!!

As a single mom of 2 small children when I finally left my marriage vs. jumping off the nearest bridge I began buying whatI needed for christmas and wrapping it to me from the kids. That way they had something to give me and I had something to open and I got what I wanted/needed.

Sorry to ramble.

Please take care of you.

Bellefille, this is an unhealthy, clinging co-dependent relationship. It's not love, it's need for something, and "yech" is better than nothing. Wrong.
Being happy, confident, fulfilled but alone, is far, far better than this.
He didn't come back because he loves you. He was at fault, but gave you all kinds of reasons - with your 'failures' as the focus - to make you think he was doing you a big favour.
And you, being needy, (sorry to use the term, I don't mean it perjoratively) took him back, thinking it would do you both good. Actually, you "gave in". Had you been stronger and more independent and self-reliant, you would have found a way to say no.
Kick him out, and get counselling.
You are soooooo worth much more than this!
Oh, and -



Happy Christmas!!

Bellefille-first let me say that in this forum we listen and we don't judge. That said, may I also say that I like to think good advice is given here.

Your marriage is not a marriage in terms of love and respect. The fact that he criticizes you for housekeeping is his way of demeaning you and putting you down.

He is not looking after you, he is manipulating you and making you think you can't survive without him.He didn't want to split the money from the sale of your mobile home because he didn't want you to have it.

As the editor for Marriage and as a relationship writer who gives seminars on relationship problems, I can tell you that you will not get better living with him. I have seen women in your circumstance and it is a co-dependent, enabling situation that is ruining your life. You must get out.

Do you work? If so, do not, I repeat, DO NOT, give him any of your paycheck. Get your own account with only your signature on it. Let a bank officer know that your husband is to have absolutely no access to your account.

Do you have children or relatives with whom you can stay until you can get your health back and are able to be on your own?

61 IS NOT OLD!! There is life ahead of you if you make an effort to get away from this emotional vampire.

It will be hard, but you must make a serious life-altering decision. Leave him and become happy or stay with him and be miserable. I'm sorry to be so blunt but this is a desperate case.

He will not change, be very assured of that. You must change and save yourself. There are support groups out there and online. Help yourself, please. It is up to you.

And buy yourself something beautiful; plan a weekend away without him. Tell him you love yourself enough to take care of YOU.

"Loving yourself is not a selfish act, loving yourself enables you to love another." CK


Sacred Jude, Spirit of Hope!! [color:"blue"] [/color] [color:"blue"] [/color]

Thank you for the replies. Your honesty has helped me a lot. I realize what you are saying is true but to hear someone say it out loud helps me. Since I posted I have been feeling better. I have my house all clean for Christmas and most of the decorations up. I have made plans for myself for two evenings out so far over the holidays. I do work and only pay what we agreed on when we moved in here. I have some debt I need to take care of before I can move out. When we moved in here I insisted on having my own bedroom so I have separated myself somewhat. I have my own car, am free to do or go whereever I want (as long as he doesn't have to participate), feel safe in my home. I know a lot of other women have it a lot worse than I do. But I do know I have to take care of me. The past few days when he has said something snide to me I just looked at him and told him he was not hurting me so save the sarcasm.

It sounds like you are on your way to taking care of you!!!!
Keep up the great work!!!!
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